It’s All About...Resolutions

[January 7th, 2009]

Happy 2009, fellow freaks! Woot! You and me and people across the world are taking a huge proverbial bubble bath, scrubbing out dirty and disgusting habits to emerge cleaner, healthier and holier than Obama Himself. Bye-bye, cursing and general debauchery. Hello, smoking ban!

Now, let’s review the rules. This is not Lent, y’all; the idea is to actually purge from our lives the general poopiness that cripples us with negativity. Forever. Which means you’ll need to replace the ick with something better. Which is where we come in. Consumer Whore’s got resolutions for improvement with price tags large and small. We’ll be expecting a thank-you note in the mail shortly.

Never, ever get caught wearing plastic bags over your shoes again.

Yeah, you. We saw you rocking the Fred Meyer bags over your tootsies out on the frozen tundra. Buy yourself a pair of Wellies, already. Aubergine Hunter Wellies, $125. Imelda’s Shoes, 3426 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 233-7476, imeldasandlouies.com.

Show your friends more love.

Got a BFF? Love ’em high-school-style with the “Best Fuckin’ Friends” broken heart necklace by In God We Trust, because…ain’t no friend like a best friend. Necklace, $220. Local 35, 3556 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 963-8200.
Wear more hats.

Once upon a time, people were required to wear hats. Bring it back. Especially on the days between shampoos. Tree Hat (right), $36, and unisex fedora, $38. Bonnet. 412 NW 11th Ave., 954-2271.
Save some money.

What’s your favorite color, again? Money? We thought so. Save it. Plastic piggy bank, $3.50. IGPEI Toys. 1534 NE Alberta St., 775-9599.
Stop disrespecting your co-workers by showing up somewhat on time.

The cell-phone alarm clock just isn’t working anymore. Especially since you sleep with it in your hand with your thumb on the “snooze” button. Go back to basics and get an alarm clock already. Furni Creations Alba Clock, $88. Olio United. 1028 SE Water Ave., 542-5000, oliounited.com.

Quit stalking people on MySpace, Facebook and various social networking sites.

You’ll need some serious software to break the addiction. Have your best friend install it. Then you two can go back to the normal kind of stalking regulated via the United States legal system. Net Nanny 6.0, $39.99. netnanny.com.
Shop local.

Because that, my friends, is what it’s all about. Support your community…and we’ll be back on track in no time. Eat Shop Portland 2009, $14.99. eatshopguides.com.
Shape up.

At this point, everyone would rather you develop an eating disorder than listen to you bitch about your weight. Work out, keep your food down, and shut up. Skinny Bitch Fitness DVD, $9.95. warnervideo.com/skinnybitchdvd.
Shave the flavor-saver/soul patch/small growth of vaginal-like hair underneath the lower lip.

Seriously. Do you want your face to resemble a butchered version of the Brazilian reverse Hitler? Come on. Gillette Art of Shaving razor, $100, and Jack Black Beard Lube, $16. Haberdasher, 428 NW 11th Ave., 802-7374, shophaberdashers.com.