[July 1st, 2009]

IMAGE: Dennis Culver

It’s true: Blowing shit up on the Fourth of July expresses solidarity with our Founding Fathers. But on this holiday, WW would like to remind Oregonians that our kind of fireworks are as down-to-earth as we are. Oregon bombs burst up to six feet in the air and no higher, thank you very much.

So, while the TNT Fireworks Warehouse in Vancouver, Wash. (10400 NE 13th Ave., Lot B), bills itself as the largest fireworks tent in the world, its 13,000 square feet of explosives are largely Oregon-illegal, and therefore of no interest to you.

However, if in case you accidentally wind up at TNT Fireworks, be comforted by its “Oregon Safe Sane” aisle: thousands of genteel sparklers, lulling fountains and placid Piccolo Petes sure to win friends or impress the ladies. Just avoid the other, much more exciting aisles: the ones selling sexed-up explosives with names like Proud American Triple Break, Texas Cyclone, Full Metal Jacket Finale and TNT Fireworks’ business manager Amanda Baxter’s personal pick, The Destroyer. These orgasmic products reach epic heights before exploding into last-minute bursts of tear-jerking partriotica.

But, just for the record, TNT Fireworks won’t stop Portlanders from buying Oregon-illegal products: “It’s out of our control what they do with them once they leave,” Baxter says.

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WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T VISIT: TNT Fireworks Warehouse, 10400 NE 13th Ave., Lot B, Vancouver, Wash. 877-345-1916. Open 9 am-11 pm. Closes July 5 at 9 pm.

^Headout Picks

THURSDAY JULY 2

[MUSIC] BILAL
The sexy, robust RB of neo-soul singer Bilal is on par with both Maxwell and D’Angelo. Who needs Auto-Tune when your voice is this good? Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 8 pm. $20 advance, $23 day of show. 21+.

[BOOKS] THE FIRST DOG
Thank God this whole Iran election thing is blowing over; now the media can get back to covering the president’s dog. Beth Zappitello, co-author of The First Dog, will be joined by special guest Cooper, a Portuguese water dog whom Zappitello may or may not try to pass off as Bo Obama. A Children’s Place Bookstore, 4807 NE Fremont St., 284-8294. 1 pm. Free.

SATURDAY JULY 4

[MUSIC] DIRTY PROJECTORS
Yeah, it’s Fourth of July, but the left-field pop of Dirty Projectors is more than worthy of some post-barbecue love. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8:30 pm. $13 advance, $15 day of show. All ages.

[SPORTS] VAMPIRE BASEBALL
Your options for enjoying some Portland baseball this Fourth of July boil down to two: in the morning with the vampire kids from Twilight or in the evening with the real ballplayers. PGE Park, 1844 SW Morrison St., 553-5555. Vampire Baseball is at 9 am. $49-$135 via Ticketmaster. Beavers play at 7 pm. $11.50 - $40 via pgepark.com. Fireworks follow

MONDAY JULY 6

[SCREEN] CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON IN 3-D
If the recent glut of 3-D monster movies at the multiplexes has been understimulating, Hollywood Theatre has your cure: The Creature From the Black Lagoon in….front of your stereoscopic paper glasses. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy Blvd., 281-4215. $4. See page 56.

[DRINK] SCIENCE PUB
We know that when we get drunk, we usually want to talk about science. So we’re glad Lisa Sardinia (a Ph.D. and associate professor of biology at Pacific University) is at the Bagdad tonight for her talk, “Genetic Testing: Do You Really Want to Know What’s In Your Genes?” Spoiler alert: it’s alcoholism. Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne. 7 pm. $2. 21+

TUESDAY JULY 7

[MUSIC] TARA JANE ONEIL
Tara Jane ONeil’s sparse, lilting post-post-rock is the perfect fit for a relaxing summer night. Valentine’s, 232 SW Ankeny St., 248-1600. 9 pm. Donations accepted. 21+.