WILLAMETTE WEEK'S DRINK GUIDE Drink Listings A B C E F G H I J K L M O P R S T U V W Y Z AALTO LOUNGE Category: Local Hangout/Wine Bar Best: New bar to hit Belmont since time began. The Specs: Almost every wine bar on the planet is targeted at drivers of German SUVs, not you and me. But early this year the used-furniture store Sit Babe Stay was split in two, and the west side was turned into a swank bar that's meant more for the hoi polloi than the hoity-toity. It's a high-ceilinged space with a long bar, small tables and cozy aluminum armchairs--all very retro without being overbearing. And it's non-smoking (there's an impromptu smoking room in back). Brief as it is, the wine list includes several well-balanced French, Italian and Spanish reds and whites. Prices run $4 to $6 a glass. Of course, there's the typical selection of olives, bread and cheese. Aalto's only flaw is its lack of Napa and Sonoma wines. But that's really a quibble; otherwise, it feels as though I'm giving up a secret telling Portland about this fine new place. Seen & Heard: "That 'W' on the women's restroom is really small." 3356 SE Belmont St., 235-6041. Evenings Wednesdays-Sundays (other evenings, too, as the owners' fancy strikes).Beer and wine. (PD) ALIBI Category: Hipster/Karaoke Best: Re-creation of the bar that facilitated each week's flimsy plot device in which Starsky and Hutch shook down Huggy Bear for the word on the street. The Specs: Ignore the occasional Intel middle-managers enjoying a "wild" co-worker birthday party and ensconce yourself in an oversized Tiki-style booth. The Hawaii Five-O decor and zealous KJs virtually ensure an evening of salubrious stimulation. In this day of cutthroat karaoke, when a wrong note or an ill-timed hip thrust can result in utter shame, the Alibi is perfect for first-timers. Here, the karaoke harks back to the days of crowd sing-alongs and genuine applause. It's a mixed-drink-and-appetizer kind of place; shots will flow and the last of the hipsters will mingle. Seen & Heard: "Randy from accounting thinks you're cute." 4024 N Interstate Ave., 287-5335. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (TS) ATWATER'S Category: Swank Best: Place to view Portland as a bigger city than it really is. The Specs: Every city needs at least one sky bar that has a fantastic view and serves upwards of 50 different kinds of martinis. New York had its classic Rainbow Room and Windows on the World in the Twin Towers, and Portland has Atwater's on the 30th floor of Big Pink. If variety's your thing, you'll appreciate that you can have your martini prepared a zillion different ways--dirty, stirred, with a twist, olive or an onion (singles $7, doubles $11). Choose a cocktail from among a list that ranges from the traditional to the freaky with names like the Leroy Vinnegar, the Journalist, the Dean Martini, or The Georgetown. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights Atwater's is also the downtown place to hear live jazz. The Atwater's Trio with Mel Brown plays every Friday and Saturday night--with no cover charge. Seen & Heard: "Can't they make it rotate? Like the Space Needle?" US Bank Tower, 115 SW 5th Ave., 30th floor, 275-3600. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (ML) BALZERS BAR & GRILL Category: Booty Call/Rump Shaker Best: For going "one on one" with a professional athlete. The Specs: Although this former lesbian bar is dark to the point of being downright dank, Balzers is now the site of one of the hottest hip-hopping clubs in the city. It's also one of the best spots in the city to gawk at celebrities (Robert De Niro, Cuba Gooding, nearly any pro NBA player that isn't a Laker). When you're not rubbing elbows with the high and mighty, you might want to grab a stiff drink at the longish bar full of cigar smokers, or a cold brewski before you head out to the dance floor full of honeys and mack-daddy wannabes. But if you're hungry, you should probably eat someplace else first. Nearly half of the items on the menu have been crossed out with a fat marker, leaving a few burger choices and what looks like a great basket full of catfish and chips. Also, one of the stiffest dress codes in P-town applies--no jeans, hats or sneaks. (Cover charge: $5.) Seen & Heard: "He had the nerve to call me a pigeon!" 53 NW 1st Ave., 274-9901. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (BB) BAR OF THE GODS Category: Hipster/Patio Best: Place to heat your tush outside. The Specs: For an establishment with a clearly Bacchanalian theme, Bar of the Gods has an aura of industry. A waitress dutifully empties ashtrays, a bar-back changes a keg, customers play pool, and Southern Culture on the Skids and Dead Kennedys demand attention to their music. It's not just some tossed-off playpen for youngsters; the decor and beverage selection have been carefully considered. For beer, we have Guinness, Oly stubbies, Boddington's in a can, PBR on tap and plenty of Northwestern microbrews. Then there's Coca-Cola in the old-fashioned bottle and stout 10-ounce soda bottles. Liquids have been chosen as much for their taste as for their street-cred cachet and the aesthetic merits of their containers. Wine is less remarkable, but if you're looking for a palatable and cheap bottle of red, BOG fits the bill. Seen & Heard: "If I stopped taking it today, I probably wouldn't get pregnant for another three months, it builds up so much in your system." (couple debating the effectiveness of the Pill) 4801 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-2037. Open daily. Beer and wine. (CM) THE BENSON HOTEL Category: Swank Best: For a Mrs. Robinson encounter. The Specs: Sitting in the Benson Hotel bar, even the biggest schlub feels like a playah. With enough open space to put on a full-court scrimmage or maybe some Sondheim; Texas-sized chandeliers; tall, leafy palms; and live, easy jazz, the Benson manufactures the sense that something important or romantic is always about to happen. This is a place to drink the good stuff: Glenlivet scotch or Belvedere vodka, maybe. Sip one of the best martinis in town while checking an impossibly long, gold-framed mirror to catch the shy glance of a sophisto traveler wondering about Portland's action. The Bondian cocktail comes perfectly chilled and stays that way in a small, glass decanter resting on a patch of ice. Seen & Heard: Dark-suited business jock at the bar: "I'm about to have sex over here. You wanna take this plate away?" 309 SW Broadway, 228-2000. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (MM) BEULAHLAND Category: Hipster Best: Place to go instead of greasy Holman's. The Specs: Charmingly cluttered with all manner of scavenged decor: formica tables, overstuffed chairs, rotating art, giant light bulbs. Happy hour ($2 pints from 4 to 6 pm on weekdays, all day on Monday) makes this a fine place to while away a lazy afternoon, sipping an African Amber or Rolling Rock and perusing counterculture rags amid tattooed types and indie rockers. The jukebox rules: The Damned, New York Dolls, T. Rex, Louis Armstrong, Jim Nabors, local discs and tons more. Bonus points for free rock shows, pool, cream soda, simple vittles and a breezy back patio. Seen & Heard: "I just saw that dog sneeze in some guy's drink." 118 NE 28th Ave., 235-2794. Open daily. Beer and wine. (LB) BILLY REED'S Category: Local Hangout/Swank Best: Place to surf the Net while waiting for your turn at the pool table. The Specs: Swanky hipster joint meets sports bar. In one section, the pool table, darts and video golf share space with three wall-mounted Internet stations. Above a bar sided with backlit marble slabs hangs a long rack of wine glasses; atop that, construction hats alternate with Frederic Remington-style cowboy bronzes. A dozen wines are available by the glass; the drafts range narrowly but reliably within the Deschutes-Widmer continuum. The bar has the full restaurant menu, with appetizers ranging from tequila prawns to Grandma Peter's cheese potato pancakes. On a warm, dry summer evening, watch the MLK cruisers from the European-style terrace. Seen & Heard: "You know, somebody said, 'If a man could concentrate on one problem for 15 minutes, he could solve all the world's problems that way.'" 2808 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 493-8127. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (IG) THE BLARNEY STONE Category: UK/Local Hangout Best: Place for warring factions to debate the famous question: which claims the right to rule--Guinness Stout, Harp Lager or Strongbow cider? The Specs: While boasting the title "Portland's most authentic Irish pub," the Blarney Stone is actually a bizarre blend of cultures--where else can you hear a heavy Irish brogue and a slanted English accent chatting loudly over a jukebox blasting the Doors' "Break on Through"? What draws such disparate crowds together under the Blarney Stone's lofty ceiling? Could it be the excellent, patiently poured pints of Guinness? The large stage with its assortment of local folk and rock acts? Or the call of the green-as-an-emerald-lea walls? Only return visits will help solve this multiculti puzzle. Seen & Heard: "Oi, cheers, mate." (In American: "Ooops, almost forgot my soccer jersey--thanks for reminding me, chief.") 3862 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 234-7474. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JG) THE BRAZEN BEAN Category: Swank Best: For gawking at aspiring CK models doing ill-advised Groucho Marx impersonations. The Specs: This swanky, turreted house is nestled away in a private grove of trees, giving it an ambience both highly romantic and highly exclusive. Its designer-approved decor is a pretentious pastiche of chandeliers, heavy drapes, medieval brick and elaborately framed dog paintings, but the Herculean drinks and delicate menu almost make it worth stomaching. Try the Voodoo Lady (Chai, rum and Kahlua) with a pear and smoked salmon salad, but don't drive home. One drink here will put you over the top. Seen & Heard: Dryly: "You'll have to sit outside." 2075 NW Glisan St., 294-0636. Closed Sundays. Beer, wine and liquor (and stellar martinis). (JS) BRIDGEPORT BREWING CO. Category: Brewpub Best: Old Pearl District warehouse not yet converted into costly condos. The Specs: Tucked into an industrial corner of the Pearl, Bridgeport's brick-and-wood brewpub has a mysterious power--not only does it ferment some great "firkin" beer, but everyone who goes there succumbs to an inexplicable urge to tuck their T-shirts in. It doesn't seem to matter that Bridgeport's pizza comes in drippy, sizable slices that could satisfy local loading-dock laborers; or that the beer itself has a hearty, roughhewn edge to it that matches the room's old-fashioned factory feel; or even that Bridgeport began its brewing quest years before microbrews were trendy. Nope. The people who flock here are so button-down and uncalloused, it's easy to forget you're sitting next to a rusty railroad spur. Good thing the beer is robust enough to remind us of what Portland once was--an unpretentious port of call on the wild frontier. Seen & Heard: "You can't be too careful with this stuff." --barman explaining why the strapping Old Knucklehead Ale (8.9 percent alcohol/volume) is only served by the half-pint. 1313 NW Marshall St., 241-7179. Open daily. Beer and wine. (JG) BRIG Category: Gay/Booty Call/Rump Shaker Best: Place to pretend you're starring in a gay-themed college movie. The Specs: A long, long time ago, the Brig and its deckmate Boxxes was (and in a weird way still is) the Fish Grotto--a family-friendly seafood restaurant. But, over the years, "bottoms up" has taken on a whole new meaning here. Or, let's just say, if you are the type to say after an all-night bender, "I don't remember who, or what, I kissed last night," this is the place for you! But first you have to figure out how to get into the Brig. On Friday and Saturday nights you must pay $5 to enter the gay-friendly Boxxes--which has recently added a Baby Bear-size dance floor. If you want to drink and dance on the Mama Bear-size dance floor at the Brig, you must leave this aluminum-paneled playground (in Boxxes everything is aluminum: aluminum cans, aluminum tables, aluminum palm trees) and go around the corner to pay another $5 and enter the intensely heterosexual Panorama. After you snake your way across the P-word's Papa Bear-size dance floor, you can make it back to the het-meets-homo Brig. Unless, of course, you're on the "permanent guest list" where a mere five bucks can get you in anywhere but the DJ booth. (Don't ask how you get on the permanent guest list.) Whatever. Seen & Heard: "It's sexy and expensive. I like it." 1035 SW Stark St., 226-4171. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (BB) THE CHEERFUL TORTOISE Category: Sports/Local Hangout Best: For feeling like you're in a ski lodge at any time of year. The Specs: Wood, televisions and real-live '60s Love Garden fireplaces are everywhere you turn; tables are tight but guarantee some sportsmanly bonding with your neighbors while watching the game. Saturday nights feature the musical stylings of Harrison, who is best at Neil Young, Van Morrison and most contemporary-classic MTV rock. Beer is cheap ($2.25 for domestic and $3 for microbrews) and plentiful; the list includes most microbrews and everything you ever drank out of a keg. Food--including every drunken munchie you dream will be in the fridge when you arrive home at 5 am at the end of a Saturday night--is fried beyond recognition to a tantalizing, tangy crisp. Seen & Heard: "This place would be even better if they had rodeo." 1939 SW 6th Ave, 224-3377. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (KD) CHOPSTICKS EXPRESS Category: Karaoke Best: For seeing Elliott Smith sing "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" with no cover. The Specs: This karaoke haunt has undergone many cosmetic changes in recent years. What was once a cozy enterprise snuggled in one corner pocket of the place has expanded to a larger and somewhat more sterile set-up in the back part of the bar. Sing your heart out on a black-and-white checkerboard floor as lights flash and dance upon your face. A favorite hangout of some of Portland's indie rock stars, Chopsticks is known for the extensive repertoire of songs in its karaoke bank. (You want Fatboy Slim? They got Fatboy Slim.) And like most K joints, this one features a democratic array of prunish seniors with spunk, tykes who are alright, and sad alkies. God bless 'em all. Seen & Heard: "Is that really Morrissey?" 2651 E Burnside St., 234-6171. Closed Sundays. Liquor, beer and wine. (CBB) CLAUDIA'S Category: Sports Best: For enjoying the healthy competition of televised sporting events without the nasty irritation of jockitis in extremis. The Specs: Though it resembles a NORAD bunker on the outside--squat, square and crowned by a ring of sinister-looking antennae--Claudia's is an astoundingly friendly sports tavern, full of warm wood surfaces and smiling faces of all sorts. There's even a fireplace, plus a row of high-backed Captain Kirk lounge chairs lining the bar itself, always the first territory seized during the crowded football season. Yet amid the various whoops and hollers that fill the air, you'll notice something missing: Bud-drunk frat boys wailing wazzzzzaaaahhuuup! and high-fiving each other. That's because Claudia's is the sports bar for the rest of us. Leave your machismo at home and enjoy the game. Seen & Heard: "If these [bar] chairs reclined, I'd be here every day." 3006 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-1744. Open daily. Beer and wine. (JG) CANDY'S CLUB 21 Category: Hipster Best: Escape from noisy opening bands at EJ's/Place to ditch your hemorrhoid clinic appointment. The Specs: Dependable dive with stiff drinks, grilled-cheese sandwiches and wood paneling. Even on sunny days, relative darkness fills the little cocktail castle. The light may not change much, but the crowd does; weathered regulars give way to younger, hipper, weathered regulars come nightfall. Spend happy hour ($1.75 well drinks 4 to 6 pm Monday through Friday, $2 pints Sundays after 9 pm) gazing foggily at the Jim Beam bottle collection (and one lone horse) from a hearty bar stool with Zeppelin blaring. Seen & Heard: "And then I watch that bitch Martha Stewart sometimes and I get so jealous and mad--she's so crafty!" 2035 NE Glisan St., 235-5690. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (LB) COBALT LOUNGE Category: Hipster/Booty Call Best: For spending the last days before you become a real rock star prancing around and drinking Heineken. The Specs: This mood-lit, two-bar extravaganza edges toward an L.A. aesthetic with shows almost every night and occasional go-go dancers. It's great for a beer and schmoozing with your rocker pals who almost made it. Drinks are somewhat weak, but it's got some of the best acoustics in Portland. Perfect for seeing live gigs, but please, folks, leave the making out at home. Seen & Heard: "I just felt the producer had the mix all wrong, you know? It wasn't supposed to be that fuzzy." 32 NW 3rd Ave., 225-1003. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JS) COLOSSO Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: Place to spot local rockers. The Specs: Sweet tapas bar drenched in sultry red and soft candlelight that makes everyone beautiful (including the foxy servers). Cozy and romantic (the best velvet-curtained nook for two since the 1201), yet spacious and social. Delicious cocktails (most around $5 or $6) include fresh ingredients like muddled citrus, mint and strawberries, and the wine and beer selection is substantial. Non-alcoholic choices include a zippy, homemade ginger ale with fresh grated ginger, and the Mink & Worm (coconut milk and fresh lime juice). Roasted garlic and rosemary potatoes ($2.50) and heaping salads (around $7) are worthwhile, and an upcoming menu revamp should lend more daring seasoning to the dishes here. Seen & Heard: "So where are you going to put the hot tub?" 1932 NE Broadway, 288-3333. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (LB) COUNTY CORK Category: UK/Local Hangout The Stats: There's no smoking and the place is pretty well-lit for an Irish pub, but for the surrounding neighbors in the Fremont area, County Cork is a godsend: a bar within walking distance that's pleasant and well-stocked with Guinness. There's a small stage that gets turned over to acoustic Celtic jams on Sundays, and the pub food offered is several notches above the norm. You'll feel completely comfortable coming with your kids, if you're of the breeding kind. Between the darts, the green walls and the 24 taps a-flowing, you'll never miss Must-See TV. Seen & Heard: "Consumption breaks down the clotting factor, and the body gets flooded with toxins." 1329 NE Fremont St., 284-4805. Closed Mondays. Beer and wine. (CBB) DANTE'S Category: Hipster Best: Place to indulge the devil of excessive consumption. The Specs: Any establishment that has a large, open flame roaring skyward from a glass-filled steel barrel is my kind of place. Yet that's merely the most obvious decorative element of this exquisitely stylish alcohol emporium; a diminutive stage framed by heavy crimson-velvet curtains, a bar demonically underlit with blood-red light and a pervasive overall darkness also contribute to Dante's enticing sense of sinfulness. Unfortunately, selling your soul can get a bit costly here, especially as you work your way into the nether regions of the drinks list. If you've got the bills, however, the drop-dead attractive wait staff will gladly take 'em from you with a seductive smile. Seen & Heard: "I'm just waiting for the porn-star waitresses to show up." 1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JG) DOTS CAFE Category: Hipster Best: Place to hear Nick Drake at 2 am. The Specs: This Portland landmark and dimly lit emporium of food, beverage and mega-kitsch recently acquired a liquor license, but don't expect the most generous pour of your life. Martinis, Bloody Marys and Greyhounds with fresh-squeezed juice are options for five bones or less, but the $6 pitcher of Pabst is hard to beat. Tasty and varied menu options (including some dynamite Gardenburger creations), garish art and comfy booths make it an ideal place to sit back with a tattered paperback from the corner rack, sporting your latest thrift-store scores. Seen & Heard: "I like to lick them because they look so pretty, but I don't like the taste." (diner commenting on the Jolly Ranchers accompanying the check) 2521 SE Clinton St., 235-0203. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (LB) DRIFTWOOD LOUNGE Category: Local Hangout/Hipster Best: Place to see why the retirement age has risen to 66. The Specs: This dark and classy little bar sits just off the chandeliered lobby of Portland's highest-occupancy hotel, the Mallory. It's a bastion of Old World charm, something like the See's Candies of the hotel world, and the bar exudes a sand dunes 'n' driftwood kind of Hollywood glamour. As if that weren't enough, each table is served a bowl of cheese popcorn along with a truckload of personality from the cocktail waitress--whether she's 74 or 24. "Honey, don't forget to sign that," the super-spry cocktail waitress advised me when she brought the bill. The strong and lively cocktails, many of a pastel hue, pack a hefty punch and come served in disarmingly pretty barware. The curved banquette and mirrors make this a very social place, conducive to chattin' with friends or talking with the out-of-towners. Seen & Heard: PICA members and Business Journal reporters getting smashed. 729 SW 15th Ave., 223-6311. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (ML) THE DRUM Category: Rump Shaker Best: To honkytonk the night away. The Specs: The 10 pickup trucks out front are the tip-off: This place has some serious country music going on. Large, with a dance floor and DJ, comfy booths and, yes, even saddle-seats that give "saddle up to the bar" a new meaning. Specialty drink: the Yucca ($4). Served in a jam jar, it's a lemonade drink with a tequila aftertaste and lots of fruit. Hungry folks can drop next door to the Branding Iron restaurant. If you like country music, this is your place. If you don't like country, you might still get a kick from the Drum's upbeat atmosphere. Seen & Heard: "The longer you shake it, the colder it gets." (waitress as she plopped my Yucca down in front of me) 14601 SE Division St., 760-1400. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JL) DUBLIN PUB Category: UK/Local Hangout Best: For reminding you that there is more to Beaverton than strip malls. The Specs: Lots of floor space, including adjoining, intimate rooms for lengthy pool playing and flirting. Long and low authentic Dublin-style tables stretching the length of seven barstools. There are cowboy hats aplenty here and a surprising shortage of smokers, making the air perfect for jigging among the heavy wood beams. But the real Irish allure is the beer: Every kind of beer that you ever forgot existed is here, including obscure Jamaican brews such as the Jamaica Ale, authentic Brit cider, and Oregon microbrews from the basement of every Lewis & Clark grad. Seen and Heard: "May you die in bed at 95 years shot by a jealous husband" (posted on the wall and adorned in Celtic design). 6821 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 297-2889. Open daily. Beer and wine. (KD) EGYPTIAN CLUB Category: Gay/Booty Call/Rump Shaker Best: Place to drool over your friend's Polaroids of Chloe Sevigny. The Specs: Cavernous, friendly lesbian hangout including The Room, a laid-back front bar with pool table and jukebox; an adjacent lounge for open-mic Thursdays and karaoke on Saturdays; and the Tomb, a roomy back bar with a happening dance floor on weekends. Free pool and nude revue on Tuesdays, Wednesday chick-flick nights and cheap Friday night drinks ($1.25 well drinks and domestic beer from 8 to 10 pm) keep things interesting. If you dare, order up The Nile for $14--56 ounces of Long Island mix, schnapps, juice and god-knows-what-else to share. Seen & Heard: "The men's bathroom is so clean here! I wonder why?" (male patron who wasn't even trying to be facetious) 3701 SE Division St., 236-8689. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (LB) FELLINI Category: Hipster Best: For late-night hunger pangs; simultaneous eating out/rocking out. The Specs: At first glance, you might think, "Like, ew, gross, how can people eat there?! It's, like, attached to Satyricon! Don't you remember what their bathrooms looked like?" Get over it. Fellini is practically gourmet, and it's cheap, and besides, they tidied up the bathrooms ages ago. Bonus: If you're so broke you have to choose between eating and music, and as a consequence you've recently lost about 20 pounds, try this: sit near the back, order a big dinner (with cheese fries!), and you can kinda, sorta, almost hear the band next door--especially when the door connecting the club to the restaurant swings open. It's the same idea as that famous "France on a budget" trick, where you eat your tasteless plain baguette while sitting downwind of a fancy restaurant. It totally works! Seen & Heard: "That bastard pulled a knife on me!" (harried-looking woman to Fellini bartender, re: the scrawny guy trying to hide beneath a kitchen counter) 121 NW 6th Ave., 243-2120. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (BO) FERNANDO'S HIDEAWAY Category: Booty Call/Rump Shake Best: For dreaming of Barcelona. The Specs: Fernando's is often overlooked in surveys of the downtown scene, perhaps because it's a little schizo. Is it a sexed-up dance joint? A place to slip some happy-hour booze into the ol' blood stream? A bastion of Spanish culture? A fine restaurant? Ah, the freakin' beauty of it all. While this Iberian stronghold attracts a steamy dance crowd by night and boasts a Zagat-certified kitchen, it holds its own as a just-plain bar, too. Show up after work, before the Latin lovers. Order a spicy wine from Spain. Kick back. Sí, señor. Crack flamenco and tabla players entertain during happy hour, 4:30 to 7 pm Tuesday through Friday. Seen & Heard: "Oh, jeez, gosh...lo siento." (a decidedly Anglo waiter, on delivering the wrong order) 824 SW 1st Ave., 248-4709. Closed Mondays. Beer, wine and liquor. (ZD) FULTON PUB Category: Patio/Local Hangout Best: For fresh air with your fries. The Specs: A fine (if smaller than usual) McMenamins outfit, Fulton Pub reaches its full potential during that half of the year most suited to shorts, sandals and tank tops. The tall-fenced backyard beer garden is a drinker's paradise (or is it a well-planned herding of the Fulton Pub's rowdiest consumptive animals?). The 10-or-so picnic tables out back are the main attraction, and those who sit in them tend to stake their claim in the early evening and stay all night, downing one pint of Hammerhead after the next until their eyes turn glassy and pink. It's a wonderful and self-assuring little nook for downing fresh brew. Seen & Heard: "Socks and sandals are not rock and roll." 0618 SW Nebraska St., 246-9530. Open daily. Beer and wine. (BF) GALAXY Category: Karaoke Best: For singing to happy little fish swimming in a 16-foot long tank. The Specs: Once upon a time, this place was the crème de la crème of karaoke huts. La Luna was still open and hipsters aplenty would flock to the Galaxy pre-Luna and post-Luna. Things have died down a bit since then, but this is still a fine place to get out your fah-la-la-la jones. A thick book of selections to choose from and one of the few actual raised stages to sing on provide the perfect mooring for the showboat in us all. Comfy booths and glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls complete the vibe. Once a friend found a shrimp in his onion rings; you decide whether that's a prize or not. Seen & Heard: "If you sing Johnny Cash, I will walk in the middle of the street and let a car run over me"--large man after asking a group of people to please sing some rock and roll. 909 E Burnside St., 234-5003. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (CBB) GOOSE HOLLOW INN Category: Local Hangout/Patio Best: Place to observe local beard varieties. The Specs: The fine print on the matchbook warns, "If fighting's your style, learn to argue verbally or leave!" However, the patrons at former Mayor Bud Clark's tavern have mellowed with age, and there's nary a whiff of a barroom brawl in the air. Drinks are cheap and the food is good (e.g., the Cheese Special and the famous Reuben). Not so long ago, as one regular tells it, there were just two kinds of wine offered--red and white. But today there's a choice of whites and reds on the menu and a few fancy wine specials up on the chalkboard. Beer choices range from glasses of Pabst Blue Ribbon ($1) to domestic pints ($2.25) and micro pints ($3.75). One oldtimer, Nick, said his best friend, Doc, had recently passed away. Rubbing his hard-earned beerbelly he said sadly, "And this beer is my last one." Of course, he was pulling our leg, but only about the beer. A mix of graybeards, local legends--like Twin Peaks' One-Armed Man--and banished journalists from The Oregonian lend this place a decidedly local, beer-soaked charm. It's not going to appeal to everyone, but then the best places never do. Seen & Heard: "You like carrot sticks? They've got great carrot sticks." 1927 SW Jefferson St., 228-7010. Open daily. Beer and wine. (ML) DOWNTOWN DELI AND GREEK CUSINA Category: Booty Call/Rump Shaker Best: For approximating a wedding reception without an actual bride and groom. The Specs: If your scene is doing shots of ouzo with girls who look like they have just pledged their sorority house, then make it a night to remember on the second floor of this always-bustling Greek restaurant. Promise to spend 10 bucks on food and you can skip the cover charge, but go early--the party starts around 9 pm. After dinner (served from 7 until 9 pm) comes ouzo drinking, plate smashing, belly dancing, Greek singing and lots and lots of dancing. If you stray in around midnight, you are more likely to hear the Village People than actual village people. Drinks are cheap, and if you squint (which is easy to do after a few shots of the good stuff) you might even think you are on vacation. Seen & Heard: A server: "It's all about rubbing and bumping. Do you know how many women's breasts men 'accidentally' brush up against in this place?" 404 SW Washington St., 224-2288. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (BB) THE GREEN ROOM Category: Local Hangout/Patio Best: For scamming on foreign rugby players. The Specs: After a night here, you can't quite remember how you got so drunk--it just has that intangible vibe that causes one to imbibe. The smart, somewhat eclectic, but not annoyingly hip crowd tends to be a happy, social bunch where rounds are bought, dates buy drinks for dates, and people stay put for an entire evening conversing. There are live bands nightly, and the energy of the dark wooden interior rises considerably when well-regarded local bands play (think SweetJuice, Pete Krebs). The back porch offers better-lit views of the local rugby and soccer cuties who have made it something of a hangout. Full menu of well-prepared staples and salads served. Seen & Heard: "I love this city." 2280 NW Thurman St., 228-6178. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (TS) HEATHMAN BAR Category: Swank Best: Place to imagine you're a jet-setter with a layover in Portland. The Specs: This comfy living-roomish hangout ensconced in the Heathman Hotel is made of more wood than you can shake a stick at. Old-growth paneling, a gorgeous fireplace, loungey sofas and no-cover jazz played on a grand piano (Tuesday through Saturday) all make this a place to go if you feel like slipping on the crinoline and acting fancy. A nice mixture of locals who know a good deal when they see it, overnight guests who see this room as Portland incarnate and the under-30 crowd who occasionally like to play at being their parents. Some house drinks stand out, including the Heathman Cosmo. Seen & Heard: Waiter to table: "Have you decided on something you'd like to enjoy?" 1001 SW Broadway, 790-7752. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (CBB) HENRY FORD'S Category: Swank Best: Lounge in another dimension. The Specs: There's no place in PDX that's anything like Henry Ford's. Reno, maybe, but I've never seen a boîte of its ilk, except in my dreams. We're talking red brocade walls (adorned with the most baffling collages), Lyle Chaffee on piano, kick-back couches and an ever-bubbling fountain out front. It's just gorgeous--in a very 1940s sort of way. I'll admit that the cocktailers are a bit daffy--it once took three tries to get my Greyhound right--but they're so damn friendly you quickly forgive any blunders. And when the liquor does arrive, it's mother-lovin' strong. Seen & Heard: The cutest, most distinguished elders imaginable enjoying an after-dinner drink, hand-holding and taking a smooth turn on the dance floor. 9589 SW Barbur Blvd., 245-2434. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) HIGGINS Category: Swank Best: For a sultry, amorous rendezvous. The Specs: An outstanding beer menu, with particular focus on bottled European rarities, graces this little pub. Lucifer Strong Golden Ale from Belgium pours from the tap--and, God knows, few in town can claim to have a nice cold Aass Bock from Norway chilling in the depths of the bar fridge. Unbuttoned white-collar types mix with public broadcasting aficionados and, maybe, a few well-dressed young cats making a go at adulthood. Talk is of the stuff that makes this country tick: affairs, affidavits, tomorrow's surgery. The wooden bar was built in the early '70s and already reeks of history and soul--it is a justifiably magnetic structure in a dimly lit restaurant bar. Seen & Heard: Loose-tied exec to loose-tied buddies: "My sister was the first female executive to get box seats at Coors Stadium [in Denver]...can you believe that?" 1239 SW Broadway, 222-9070. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (BF) HOBO'S Category: Gay/Swank Best: For seeing butch/femme couples dolled up in their hyper-roleplaying Saturday night best. The Specs: This fancy-shmancy homo hangout has been serving up fruity drinks since the early '80s. Part fern bar, part pool hall, part dining room, part piano bar, Hobo's has been just a little bit of everything to a lot of people in the gay community for quite some time. Outside it looks like a mere storefront bar, but inside the place reminds you of that old circus routine where clown after clown gets out of a tiny car--Hobo's seems to go on forever with little rooms to explore. The crowd tends toward the older set, and things rev up on the weekends when sweethearts hit the place for some dinner and drinking. Bonus points for a pool room that includes the pinball fave Arabian Nights. Seen & Heard: "We didn't even sleep in the same bed the first night, but it was all over after that." 120 NW 3rd Ave., 224-3285. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (CBB) HORSE BRASS PUB Category: UK/Local Hangout Best: English pub not fortunate enough to be actually located in England. The Specs: After living in the UK for six months, I fell in love with the concept of The Pub, the local social hub of Limey life. Pubs exude the warm comfort of history, character and camaraderie not found in American suds joints where the beer is as piss-thin as the personality--even all the so-called "English pubs" in the U.S. are poor knockoffs at best. Except for the Horse Brass, that is. The heavy wood rafters and floors, historical decor and immediately welcoming atmosphere are spot-on, while the soft thwack of dart hitting board completes the picture. So the accents are all wrong and the Strongbow's kinda pricey. The Horse Brass still wins the authenticity award, no contest. If you're dubious, order a beer, banger and mash and taste the difference for yourself. Seen & Heard: "What are Twiglets?" (American baffled over a display of Britain's finest snack foods, including the branch-shaped, yeast-extract-flavored Twiglet) 4534 SE Belmont St., 232-2202. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JG) HUBER'S Category: Swank Best: For a mix of young and old, soigné and sweats. The Specs: Unless you're brand-new to Portland, you probably know that Huber's is the oldest continuously operated restaurant in town, dating from the brawling days of 1879. It's equally famous for its outrageous Spanish coffee flambé (Kahlua, 151, Bols triple sec, coffee, nutmeg, cream) and the bar's vaunted stained-glass ceiling. Though Huber's is one classy speakeasy, you won't go broke here--unless you knock back one $7.50 Spanish coffee after another, which will quickly knock you out. Well-poured well drinks are about $4, and a hungry-man's happy hour (from 4 to 6 pm) offers $1.95 food items with a $2 beverage purchase. Seen & Heard: Incessant oohing and ahhing over the flamboyant presentation of the Spanish coffee, which is even better when the barkeeps mix them tableside. 411 SW 3rd Ave., 228-5686. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) HUNG FAR LOW Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: For starring in your own low-budget Indiana Jones sequel. The Specs: Blessed by legendary servers with voices like gravel (regardless of gender), Hung Far Low is famous for serving the cheapest, strongest drinks in Oregon. The bar hides in a dark corner of a sketchy Chinese restaurant where few actually eat. The trek to this noirish bolthole is daunting and intriguing, up a steep, dingy staircase that threatens of ninjas and trapdoors. Once inside, the AM station piping through the ceiling, tall booths, red lighting and intimate seating will seem more like a tiki party (or your older brother's basement bedroom, circa 1973) than a life-threatening adventure. Great for eavesdropping while sucking down a whiskey sour. Seen & Heard: A drunken rocker trying to rub the belly of the bar Buddha. 112 NW 4th Ave., 223-8686. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JS) JASMINE TREE Category: Local Hangout Best: Collection of tiki tchotchkes in town. The Specs: This precious tiki house always leaves you with a feeling of impending doom; it seems that a swell spot such as this, located smack dab in the middle of booming downtown with a large parking lot to boot, isn't long for this life. But onward the Jasmine Tree marches. Sometimes hipsters take it over for rock shows or strange fund-raising gigs, but most nights you get a crew of sloshed but respectful regulars sitting around the bar dreaming of taking off in one of the many dugout canoes hanging from the ceiling. Seen & Heard: "I would like to sing a song for you all tonight," says a slurring man at the bar. "If you want another drink you won't sing anything," responds the feisty bartendress. 401 SW Harrison St., 223-7956. Closed Sundays. Wine, beer and liquor. (CBB) JAZZ DE OPUS Category: Swank Best: For reconciling '70s upscale decor with '90s downtown jazz. The Specs: Once you push through the knotty wood and glass double doors at this swingin' little Old Town bar and restaurant, you're greeted with the perfectly modulated sound of barware and ice cubes clinking over the recorded sound of the Oscar Peterson Quartet. The service is professional, and the staff is good-looking: Helloooooo daddy-o! The U-shaped conversation lounge is shadowy and low-slung. The club's got the look and feel of a legendary jazz club like NYC's Small's or the Blue Note--except it doesn't stay open until the wee hours and it doesn't serve breakfast. But there is live music every night and an excellent happy hour (4:30 to 6:30 pm) with dishes for $2.95 as long as you meet the $3 drink minimum. Seen & Heard: Sexy bartender and sax-y music. 33 NW 2nd Ave., 222-6077. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (ML) JEZEBEL'S Category: Booty Call/Hipster/Local Hangout Best: For getting the funk out in a lost set from That '70s Show. The Specs: Jezebel's doesn't feel much like a drinking spot. It's more like an old-school rec room, complete with low ceiling, scruffy carpet, fuzzy old sofas, pool table, TVs of varying quality and a thigh-high bar up to which you pull a standard dining chair. But unlike your high-school friend Smitty's basement with the black-light posters and booze-bottle lamps, Jezebel's isn't a sanctuary for surreptitious teenage drinking and smoking; it's a fully legal establishment, even if the drifting cigarette haze and Bruce Lee flicks on the VCR make you feel like a slumming adolescent all over again. (The sight of slouch-cool boys trying to score some nookie on the couches doesn't hurt, either.) Rotating DJs also spin everything from funk and hip-hop to techno and reggae for your grooving pleasure, and there's even a tiny, acid-tab sized dance floor. Plus, there's no cover charge. Polly Esther where? Seen & Heard: "Maybe I'm just getting too old, but there's no way that girl could be 21...is there?" 1204 SE Clay St., 235-7831. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JG) JIMMY MAK'S Category: Rump Shaker Best: For grooving to Marvin Gaye covers. The Specs: Jimmy Mak's isn't much to look at, but it's got heart. And one hell of a regular clientele. The club/bar stands on the legs of regular jazzy performers such as the Mel Brown Quintet/Sextet, Thara Memory and Alan Jones Sextet (a $5 cover is the norm). This inured venue also draws a crowd Monday nights for an open-mic comedy revue. If it weren't for these attractions, Jimmy Mak's wouldn't be a destination for drinking: There's no oak-and-mirror bar, and the food is ho-hum. But once you're there with Sierra Nevada in hand, and Mel Brown is pouring his soul into the trombone, Thursday hits its high mark and you realize the weekend is just a day away. Seen & Heard: "When I was in Vietnam, I got involved with lots of women--on a temporary basis." 300 NW 10th Ave., 295-6542. Closed Sundays. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) JO BAR & ROTISSERIE Category: Swank Best: For becoming as speech-impaired as Popeye via pear-cactus margaritas. The Specs: The corporate-casual servers at Jo Bar are fancy enough to rank swank in my book. And then there's the pear-cactus 'rita, a neon-red bev with a lightly salted rim that combines tequila, cactus purée and citrus juices. Mixed drinks of similar stylish intent and a deliberate selection of wines are what most Jo Bar patrons consume; beer takes a definitive back seat here. Consider the Asian-themed ahi tartare as an appetizer to go with your alcohol. It's small enough to leave you plenty thirsty, rich enough to let you pretend it's a meal. Seen & Heard: Perky man one table over from mine: "In terms of skin-care products, this is going to be a $20,000 account for us, and I'm psyched!" 715 NW 23rd Ave., 222-0048. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (BF) THE JOCKEY CLUB Category: Local Hangout/Hipster Best: For developing Tom Waits fantasies while playing pinball. The Specs: If this place got any more low-key, it'd evaporate. It's as if someone put up a building and then left it alone for 25 years. From the peeling leather bar arm rest to the curling Victorian wallpaper to shutters that open to nowhere, it isn't so much that the Jockey Club strives for laid-back elegance; more like it sort of just achieved it by hanging around, like Don Zimmer. Quarter pool and cheap cans of Pabst bring in a crowd heavy with sweatshirt patches and wallet chains. A can of Guinness is about as wild as the drink menu gets, unless you count Mike's Hard Lemonade, which a colleague once had described to her as "The Shit." Seen & Heard: Note the two sexy portraits behind the bar--one velvet, one not--and the moose head greeting you above the mantel. 1001 N Killingsworth St., 283-2592. Open daily. Beer and wine. (MM) JOE'S CELLAR Category: Local Hangout Best: For pretending it's dawn, I'm Ursula Andress and you're Frank Sinatra. The Specs: This place is nothing if not a joint. A long-standing, comfy hangout for the proletariat, Joe's offers sweeping Mafia booths and haphazardly placed Christmas lights to complement its giant video-golf machine. Drinks embody the policy of the working class (equal parts booze and mixer), and if you're lucky, the friendly, sassy bottle-blonde will serve them to ya. Heart patients need not apply; the extensive menu will put a major cramp in your aorta, but certainly not your pocketbook. Where else can you eat a bacon and egg sandwich for $4.25? Seen & Heard: "How d'ya like them apples, Tracy?" 1332 NW 21st Ave., 223-8825. Open daily. Beer, wine and booze. (JS) JUBITZ TRUCK STOP­PONDEROSA LODGE Category: Local Hangout/Booty Call/Rump Shaker Best: Place to ease a broken heart with soulful country songs and earnest dance partners. The Specs: This is the real deal--big hats, big hair and big belt buckles. The lounge at the "finest truck stop in America" (as Jubitz bills itself) is dark and smoky but plenty large enough to encompass all the workin' man's accoutrements: pool tables, video-poker stations and saucy servers. Definitely do not approach the line-dancing floor if you ain't got the moves--this is neither the place nor the crowd to wing it with. Just sit back and lose yourself in the strangely mesmerizing routines. Quality country-and-western bands play seven nights a week. Regulars recommend the cheese steak, and as suspected, plenty of longnecks and glasses of cheap Chablis get swilled. Seen & Heard: "She wants to rock, but I gotta roll." (pressed jean and cowboy-boot-wearing lothario) 10310 N Vancouver Way, 283-1135. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (TS) KELLS IRISH RESTAURANT & PUB Category: UK Best: For re-creating the East Coast's post-collegiate bar scene. The Specs: A mix of genuine British Isles expatriates and preppy Portlanders flock to this simplistically classy watering hole known for throwing the rowdiest St. Paddy's Day brouhaha in town. The revelry continues all year with live Irish music every night of the week. The weekends have a Riverdance-performed-on-a-subway feel as the crowd throngs to the wee dance floor. Don't envision Waking Ned Devine--the vibe just isn't Aran Islands. The waitresses wear oxfords and ties and the regulars are mostly young lawyers grabbing sausage and potatoes for happy-hour prices (4 to 7 pm Monday through Friday). Seen & Heard: "I'll call you." 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (TS) KELLY'S OLYMPIAN Category: Local Hangout Best: For reminiscing about Portland's early days and, you know, KMFDM. The Specs: This brightly lit, somewhat punk-rock Irish bar has been a Portland landmark since 1902. Its Victorian Irish kitsch (etched mirrors of Gibson girls, old photos, an abundance of plaques) and punchy atmosphere makes it a place for the rough and tough to get Pabst and a bacon-y breakfast any time of the day--like a Denny's for grown-ups. Fun for a jaunt, but the lights are way too bright to become a real slithery hangout (imagine what the sun does to moles). It's the only Irish bar in town where the staff chooses to play the Reverend Horton Heat over a traditional jig. Very eclectic. Seen & Heard: "Dude, everybody knows that Christian Death started sucking after Rozz left." 426 SW Washington St., 228-3669. Closed Sundays. Beer, wine and liquor. (JS) KENNEDY SCHOOL Category: Brewpub/Local Hangout/Patio Best: Place to play hot for teacher. The Specs: This facility caters to Portland's diversity without resorting to a single theme. Both smokers and parents with children can find their own special place among the five bars sprinkled throughout the McMenaminized (kitschy art, hippie staff, french fries) elementary school. One can sink into the oversized couches with beer and pizza to watch a favorite movie, throw back a microbrew with the boys in the more traditional bar set-ups (the Cypress, Honors or Main) or imagine you are traveling through Turkey by rail in the Detention Room cigar bar. Staple McMenamins suds are on tap at all, and the Honors Bar is non-smoking. There's a real fireplace outside for the winter and a soaking pool that costs $5 a dip in the summer. Seen & Heard: "Dude, my dreads don't fit in this hair net." 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (TS) KINGSTON SALOON Category: Local Hangout/Sports Best: For realizing Saabs and Skechers aren't the only thing in Northwest Portland. The Specs: The Kingston is three levels of sunken rooms full of shiny wooden panels, high-ceilinged beams and well-lit coastal shots from 1965. Authentic photos of sports stars your parents grew up on line the walls. The beer menu offers a comprehensive range of sunny-day beers, perfect for losing track of just how many you put away during the game. The masterpiece on the drink menu is the Gold Margarita for $4.75--a snappy but not too sweet mixture of Cuervo Gold, triple sec, sweet-and-sour mix and lime juice, lightly adorned to perfection with salt. The food is just as thoughtfully prepared for the sports-watching food connoisseur, including every kind of burger you can imagine and an especially delightful range of munchies, such as the addictive Cajun Curly Fries. Seen & Heard: "YES! YEEEES! YEEEEEESSS!" (one basketball fan, sitting alone, yelling at the television) 2021 SW Morrison St., 224-2115. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (KD) LA CRUDA Category: Hipster Best: Amusing bathroom-graffiti debate about GMOs. The Specs: Hip and airy neighborhood hangout with straightforward cocktails, Ms. Pac Man, memorable margaritas and a recent switch from Schlitz to Hamm's (served up fresh from an icy trough) as the $1 house can. The endearing Schlitz paraphernalia remains, but the Hamm's bear has also claimed some turf as of late. Filling and fresh (if somewhat bland) tacos, burritos and such help line the gut before you get carried away sipping slushy goodness out front in the sun, and a gauzy curtain separates the cheery front space from the shadowy back bar where regulars dwell into the wee hours. Happy hour--featuring $2 well drinks and discount margaritas--is 10 pm to midnight every day. Seen & Heard: "If you gave them to somebody else, they'd be 'Hamm's me downs.'" (would-be stand-up comic and Hamm's lover clutching a cold one) 2500 SE Clinton St., 233-0745. Open daily. Beer and liquor. (LB) LA RUMBA Category: Rump Shaker Best: Place to dance the merengue in jeans. The Specs: This might be the sweetest bar in Portland. Sweet as in touching and irony-free, though a different sense of the word applies to the establishment's sugarcane-laced island drinks. Sylvia Haugland leads informal salsa lessons and dancing 7 to 9 pm Tuesday through Saturday, when gringos and emigrés wear nametags and twist and slide together. Some are enticingly supple steppers, others fumble hands and hips, but everyone has an old-fashioned good time. It's fun for spectators, too, who prefer to sip yummy Bacardi Limón margaritas ($4.75) and absorb La Rumba's beach-party festiveness from the sidelines. Seen & Heard: A man dressed all in white--shiny white shoes, slacks and a shirt with teal trim--enters, checks his lapels, orders a Corona and slyly looks around for the night's lucky lady. 130 NW Davis St., 279-1588. Closed Sundays and Mondays. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) LAURELTHIRST TAVERN AND PUBLIC HOUSE Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: For pretending you're still at home...in the living room...in your pajamas. The Specs: Don't be nervous if you see the same people here every single time you go. Are they spies? The CIA? Guardian angels? No; they are merely extras in the movie that is your life. They are like the wallpaper in your nicest dream: always there, even when you're not. Come to think of it, maybe they are your guardian angels after all. You never talk to them, you don't know their names, but you nod at each other when your eyes meet. Whoever they are, their presence makes the LaurelThirst a good place to visit by yourself without feeling like one of those desperate spinsters in an old-man bar. There's a vast row of beer taps, plus cider and various wines. Feel sophisticated on Sunday nights with a big merlot and Neil Gilpin's Belmont Street Octet. Seen & Heard: "Hey, there's that guy again." "Which guy?" "You know, that guy. The cute one." "Oh, that guy. I didn't recognize him with the stupid hat on." 2958 NE Glisan St., 232-1504. Open daily. Beer and wine. (BO) LEGIN Category: Karaoke Best: For reliving Richard Marx (read: "Hold On to the Night"). The Specs: Disturbingly overgrown goldfish--a.k.a., carp--are waiting at the door; on the lounge's walls, titillating Chinese gold dragons mingle among neon Budweiser signs. Here, the karaoke is gladatorially competitive and serious--casual karaokers need not apply. Full Sail, Widmer and Budweiser, among others, are on tap ($2.50), and all drinks are reasonably priced (gin and tonics run $2.75). The biggest and best-named drink is known as Adios Mother Fucka! (if you're prude: AMF!), a pint-sized, seductively cobalt-blue version of a Long Island iced tea plus the magic ingredient, blue curaçao ($7). Both the karaoke list and the adjoining restaurant's menu are novel-sized. Seen and Heard: "I've never heard my voice do that before!" (chagrined diva returning to her date after performing Cher's "Believe") 8001 SE Division St., 777-2828. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (KD) LEIPZIG TAVERN Category: Local Hangout Best: For lighthearted bonding. The Specs: It's often standing-room-only at Sellwood's neighborhood bar, and it isn't just because of people waiting for a table at Gino's, the neighboring Italian restaurant. The Leipzig Tavern has the most comfortable booths in Portland, a warm and snappy staff, and one of the most impressive wooden bars in the city. In a place like this, you can't help but have a heart-to-heart. The Leipzig is Gino's lite: The savvy avoid the restaurant and order from the intelligent wine list and full menu right at the bar. But those who just want a beer and a BS session are equally welcome. In the old days, this was a hard-drinkin', pool-shooting kind of place, but now modern people with modern problems come to talk about life and love as old friends do. Seen & Heard: From two SNAGS discussing a friend: "There's a vulnerability in him that you can't help but like." 8051 SE 13th Ave., 230-9733. Beer, wine and liquor. (PW) LOW BROW LOUNGE Category: Local Hangout/Hipster Best: Home away from home. The Specs: The Low Brow is the perfect freckle on the Pearl District's increasingly porcelain skin--and not just because of its name. It's a non-retro hipsters' rec room: no bar games, just lots of boozy talk. You won't find any wayward Paragon cruisers or yuppie ¡Oba!ists here. Of course, I'm partial to the place; it's my local. Most of the time, they've got a cold bottle of Pabst on the table and tater tots (out of this world) in the fryer before I even sit down. If you've ever longed for a bar like Cheers, minus the brass rail, plus funky, dark decor, look no further. Seen & Heard: "Do you know what 'superfecta' means?" "Yeah, it's some horse-betting term, but different from a trifecta." 1036 NW Hoyt St., 226-0200. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) LUCKY LAB Category: Brewpub/Patio Best: Place for pups to mingle with people. The Specs: This concrete-block loading bay and high-ceilinged warehouse space may be more than 3,000 miles from Martha's Vineyard, but when it fills with a comfy middle-class clientele dressed in its best relaxed-casual attire (khaki and fleece rule this fashion domain), you can almost smell the sea. The only thing missing is a sandy stretch of beach upon which to jog with your dog--but of dogs there are plenty. In fact, the Lucky Lab even provides water buckets so the fuzzy, bandanaed mutts can sip alongside their owners. The owners, however, get the better end of the deal--the Lab's beers are all pleasantly hoppy, middle-weight brews that make up in drinkability what they may lack in assertiveness. Seen & Heard: McMenamin defectors and their panting pooches. 915 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-3555. Open daily. Beer and wine. (JG) THE LUTZ TAVERN Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: Place to dig Portland. The Specs: It was at the Lutz that I learned to love Portland. Hard to say what did it exactly. Soon after moving here, though, my wife and I somehow found ourselves over at this de facto Reed cafeteria. Every few seconds another amazing thing happened: $1 PBR! Church key can opener! Lou Reed on the juke! Billie Holiday! "Well, well, what have we here," we thought. On our next visit we discovered how the Delta Cafe, land of some of the city's best Southern food, uses the Lutz as a kind of lobby. While you wait for a table for dinner, you enjoy drinks at the other end of the Woodstock block. On my third visit I met Jersey Erv. A compact, balding wrestling coach and part-time Lutz 'tender, Jersey Erv is perhaps the most knowledgeable baseball man I've ever met (see WW's Best of Portland, 1999). Erv kept a cold Pabst in my hand all afternoon while analyzing the upcoming playoffs with a level of insight that would have had Vin Scully nodding along in appreciation. Seen & Heard: The Lutz's ham sandwich--always $2.50. 4639 SE Woodstock Blvd., 774-0353. Open daily. Beer and wine. (MM) RABBIT HOLE RESTAURANT AND MAD HATTER LOUNGE Category: Hipster Best: For putting on a Cheshire Cat grin. The Specs: Wear the white gloves if you have them, but leave your pocket watch behind. Stumble through the Rabbit Hole and into the Mad Hatter lounge below--suddenly you're 9 feet tall. Heavy roof beams wrapped in white lights make the ceiling seem lower than it is; most people inside are unconsciously ducking. Behind the bar, there's sure to be a very tall Long Island iced tea with "Drink Me" written all over it. There's also Deschutes on tap, a range of bottled beers, all kinds of liquor and a respectable wine list. Almost everything on the menu screams "Eat Me," but pass up the sweet-potato fries and it's off with your head. There's also cover-free live music Tuesday through Saturday nights, with Bobby Soxx hosting the open mic on Thursday. Seen & Heard: "...her eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking-glass. There was no label this time with the words 'Drink Me,' but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips. 'I know something interesting is sure to happen,' she said to herself."--Alice's Adventures in Wonderland 203 SE Grand Ave., 231-2925. Closed Mondays. Beer, wine and liquor. (BO) MARATHON TAVERNA Category: Local Hangout/Sports Best: Place to get stuffed and still have dough in your wallet. The Specs: Tucked between downtown and the trendy Northwest, the Marathon has dished out affordable food and spirits to a multiethnic, blue-collar crowd for 27 years. The layout features two levels: a dark upper one and the brighter, more cavernous lower game-room area, with TVs everywhere--two big-screens and nine others. By day the bar is populated by a grizzled bunch to whom alcohol is no stranger, while at night a younger crowd dominates the pool tables. Food and drink here are dirt cheap: a burger and fries go for $2.50, the Gardenburger is $3.25, and well drinks run $2.25. The Taverna's motto: "We run a marathon to serve you better." Seen & Heard: "I hate the new Sonics logo they came up with a few years ago." 1735 W Burnside St., 224-1341. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (NB) THE MATADOR Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: For watching the fights. The Specs: This recently redone Northwest bar should remain a Portland staple for many years. It has the look: A long, red vinyl bench sits below a small gallery of bullfighting-themed art. It has the juke: On one page Sabbath bumps blades with Nick Cave, Sammy Davis, Joan Jett, the Eurythmics, Wilson Pickett and Bauhaus. And it has the fun: T2 pinball; two pool tables; a big-screen, cable-ready tube; and a wall of video crack. Friendly (and sometimes unsure) barkeeps dish the sauce in front of a wall of real or faux rocks lifted from any rec room circa 1974. Bonus prize: DJ Gregarious spinning weekly on the day of the Lord. (That's Sunday for all you fellow Tribespeople out there.) Seen & Heard: "Just come down and ask if they'll put the fights on and I'm sure they will." (tattooed, skinny John Garfield-type behind the bar, discussing the Matador's policy toward HBO's Boxing After Dark) 1967 W Burnside St., 222-5822. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (MM) M BAR Category: Swank/Local Hangout/Patio Best: Place to meet your neighbor. The Specs: "I wanted [to create] something small and intimate where people could meet each other," explains Michael Messih. It seems he has succeeded on all counts. Messih opened the tiny M Bar in September; its capacity is about 20 people, accommodating 15 more at outdoor tables. It is a beautiful nook, with tall banquets and shadow-casting candles. "I hope it doesn't lend an air of exclusivity," he says. "Sometimes we have to turn people away." At the same time, Messih says that he's gotten to know a good 50 percent of the clientele, which consists mostly of folks from the neighborhood. M Bar doesn't serve any food, so its license only allows dispension of beverages with a lower alcohol percentage than hard liquor. Messih keeps the beer and wine selection small and exquisite. The three beer taps always contain Guinness and Terminal Gravity IPA, brewed in the Wallowa Mountains, and one rotating brew. There are always two white and three red wines to choose from--Côtes du Rhone, Muscaté, Macon Chardonnay--usually hailing from the romance-language countries. He will serve sake cocktails when the temperature heats up. Seen & Heard: "It's so personal that people get to meet each other without the nonsense of having to pick someone up." (Michael Messih, owner) 417 NW 21st Ave., 228-6614. Open daily. Beer and wine. (CM) THE MOON & SIXPENCE Category: UK Best: For getting vinegar stains on your trousers under the watchful eyes of long-ago Manchester City FC stars. The Specs: This newbie has made impressive gains on the Horse Brass for the coveted title of Portland's Stronghold For All Things English. In truth, though, perhaps it would be most accurate to say that the 'Brass and the 'Pence provide different Anglophilic pub experiences. The Horse Brass offers rowdy, wide spaces for a big night out; M&S, tucked away in the Hollywood District, is a quieter, cozier destination. The publicans outdid themselves in the atmosphere department, what with the dart board, the walls decked with mementos of dear Albion and the solid contingent of lads swilling lager most every night. They've got Abbot Ale, a couple of beers on hand-pump and a blackboard announcing the alcohol content of their brews. So you can keep score, like. And the fish and chips? Yes. Seen & Heard: "Careful with those calves, eh?" (one post-game soccer player to another) 2014 NE 42nd Ave., 288-7802. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (ZD) MOTHER'S Category: Swank Best: Bar furniture for growing old, fat and happy in. The Specs: Mother's, it seems, can do no wrong. Almost. From the soufflélike chocolate bread pudding to spot-on matzoh-stuffed chicken breast to the bend-over-backwards service and downright charming decor, this freshman restaurant and bar is simply awe-inspiring. Though its potential for greatness is huge, there is one discernible flaw: the churchly drinks. A few separate stabs at a scotch and soda revealed a sad ratio of amber to bubbles each time. Maybe that's how Mom likes it, but some of us are ruled by a different kind of matriarch--sweet mother liquor. In the scheme of things here, though, that is a minor and sole complaint. The new ownership has masterfully overhauled a back room that was kept sequestered as a private banquet enclave in the space's former incarnation as the Irish Bank. Now it's painted emerald and black, embellished with heavy gilt frame mirrors and chairs that could swallow you whole. Seen & Heard: "Not soldered to my nipple!" (a huffy waiter in his own private Idaho) 409 SW 2nd Ave., 464-1122. Closed Mondays. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) MUMMY'S Category: Hipster/Swank Best: For antisocial Egyptologists. The Specs: OK, this basement place is utterly strange in the best way. And it needs to get discovered in the worst way. It's got everything you need, particularly if you're the type to get moody on a bright summer day and you're looking for a place to hide--it's underground, it's inexpensive, and it's got the Queen of the Nile pinned behind glass on nearly every wall. There are a couple of very nice brothers quietly playing cards at the bar. One of them, Gabriel, is also the bartender. They're whiling away the hours, just waiting for the crowds to come. So I urge you, gather a posse and hit this bar. Seen & Heard: "Let me just see some ID, so that everything can be just, y'know, fine, fine, fine." 622 SW Columbia St., 224-7465. Closed Sundays. Beer, wine and liquor. (ML) MUU-MUU'S Category: Hipster Best: Place to spot cool specs on well-coiffed twentysomethings. The Specs: Semi-swanky joint with cushy booths, decent cocktails and affordable comfort food from around the world (try the Thai coconut soup or one of the curries). Specialty drinks ($5.50 each) include the Javatini (Stoli Kafya and crème de cacao) and a strawberry-infused vodka and lemonade combo, among others. Happy hour is 3 to 6 pm on weekdays and includes a bar menu, $2.50 wells and microbrew pints, and $1 Pabst. Seen & Heard: "I saw a look on your face as if puppy dogs and rainbows could come flying out of your ears." (friend describing my reaction to the first sip of a Ricky Ricardo cocktail) 612 NW 21st Ave., 223-8169. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (LB) MY FATHER'S PLACE Category: Hipster Best: For playing the "what is this mystery food?" game. The Specs: The three rooms in Dad's Place--the dinerlike cafe space, the barroom and the game room--are all connected and decorated with random stuff, from tin horns to numerous pictures of FDR. Drinks are cheap ($3-$5) and strong, if not complex. The menu has your basic cafe food: liver and onions, fish and chips. Good luck getting served, though; both times I went meant a wait even though the place was empty. The waitress and I also got in a little dispute over whether or not the meat in my turkey-and-gravy was actually turkey or not. I maintain it was ham to this day. Seen & Heard: "If you can actually get service here, this place has a nice ambience." (punk boy to his date) 523 SE Grand Ave., 235-5494. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JL) ORITALIA Category: Swank Best: For making art deals and taking a mistress just before you dash back to Portugal. The Specs: An interesting fusion of Italian and Asian cuisine and decor, this artfully designed getaway (connected to the chi-chi Westin Hotel) has a scrumptious cocktail menu and impeccably selected entrees (sake-grilled salmon; cannelloni with garlic and gruyere potatoes). It's plush in a very abstract "now!" way, the red glass lights and gold-flecked bar accessories evoking the feeling of the New York high-art scene. Travelers can rest their weary heads on chocolatey drinks (recommended: the aptly named Three Evils) or sample an incredible sidecar. Seen & Heard: "If we went out it would be like if I had a gold card and it gave me discounts on travel and stuff." 750 SW Alder St., 295-0680. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JS) PADDY'S Category: UK/Swank Best: For exploring the wide, wonderful world of top-notch scotch and whiskey. The Specs: As Irish bars go, Paddy's is on the patrician end--rather than conjuring the rude drinkin', fightin' an' potato-eatin' stereotypes of a certain defunct "Irish" pub, Paddy's is tastefully upscale all the way. Lamentably, for penny-pinching types, Paddy's prices can be as steep as a seaside cliff. With selective taste buds, though, you can get your money's worth of fine food and drink, and the towering selection of whiskey lining the rear wall is nothing less than amazing. Even if you just love looking at the ruddy complexion of rich single-malt scotch, this is heaven. Seen & Heard: "Ooooh...that's whiskey!" (muttered over a potent goblet of Irish coffee) 65 SW Yamhill St., 224-5626. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JG) PAZZO Category: Swank Best for: Unwinding with a Stoli martini after a tough day in mediation. The Specs: The coolest thing about this snazzy refuge grafted onto the flank of Pazzo, downtown's finest Italian eatery, is the swaying collection of meats and herbs hanging over the bar. Look on this ham and tremble, vegan plotters! This animated joint succors a big post-work crew dominated by lawyers. Some are crewcut legal beagles just off the boat from the 1950s; others are mid-life bohemians bitching about how little spare time their practice affords them to work on that damned novel. The busy staff manages a fine pour, offers an appropriately impressive wine selection and doesn't even blink when someone a little less upscale than their lawyer pals walks in. The real attraction, though, is the kick-ass bar menu, which lets you sample the restaurant's Mediterranean majesty without paying its semi-extortionate prices. Recommended: the super-sharp olives at just $1.50, and the $8 pizza, a hearty snack for two or three nibblahz. Seen & Heard: "My wife is my muse. She's in all my writing, and she loves me dearly. She understands that I have to have affairs. I mean, you have to run around. So, I hear you're working on a little erotica, hmm?" (I'm not making this up.) 627 SW Washington St., 228-1515. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (ZD) PIED COW Category: Hipster/Patio Best: Decor of modern Victorian decadence. The Specs: One of the most unique coffeehouses anywhere, this restored 1890s gingerbread house has served wine and beer for two years--and no one seems to know. Sure, boisterous teens love to kick it in the garden, but yes, you, too, Sierra, can get pie-eyed at the Pied Cow. Bottled beers range from your Oregon micros ($2.75) to Belgian ales ($8). There's also a slew of white and red wines--prices run from $14 to $22 a bottle, and three wines are available by the glass. Indoors, you can sip until midnight; outdoors, it's 10 pm. No matter what the time, you get the feeling that this is everyone's hangout: oldsters, the dreadlocked and sandaled, bookish geeks, punks with six ear piercings and men and women moaning about love Portland-style. Seen & Heard: The most striking chandelier and ceiling medallion anywhere. 3244 SE Belmont St., 230-4866. Closed Mondays. Beer and wine. (PD) PORTLAND BREWING COMPANY Category: Brewpub/Patio Best: For porchside sipping in the sunset shadows of Forest Park. The Specs: Two superhero-sized copper vats sit like giant trophies inside this ski lodge-style industrial brewpub, towering two stories high and showily pronouncing B-E-E-R as the foremost order of business. While this restaurant interior is attractive in predictable copper and dark wood, the real fun at Portland Brewing Company lies outside, on the massive front patio. In the midst of al fresco fever, a basket of beer-battered MacTarnahan's onion rings and a Woodstock IPA make a go-to weekend snack. The Hot Dungeness crab dip and a pitcher of Zig Zag River lager doesn't suck a whole lot, either. Seen & Heard: Server to me: "Most of this here staff drinks Zig Zag off the clock." 2730 NW 31st Ave., 228-5269. Open daily. Beer and wine. (BF) PRODUCE ROW CAFE Category: Patio Best: Way to travel the world without moving your weary tuckus. The Specs: Gleam or gloom, Produce Row has you covered. If it's dry, bask on the high-fenced, two-tiered back patio with a cold one from the globe-trotting list of more than 200 beers, such as Trinidad's sweet, smooth Royal Extra Stout. On a soggy evening early in the week, settle in for the jazz or bluegrass jam with a friend and a wallet-friendly pitcher drawn from the 27 taps. The Row's atmosphere is unshakably low-key, the decor just dingy enough to let you slump in comfort. If sitting's not your thing, curl your fingers around a pool cue at the single table. The beer's already dirt cheap, but during Happy Hour (5-6 pm Monday through Thursday, 4:30-6:30 pm Friday) a pitcher of microbrew drops to an incredible $6.25, and $4.25 gets you a "medium" sandwich big enough for two. Seen & Heard: "Hey, yawreadyaitchersamwich--stay offa mine!" 204 SE Oak St., 232-8355. Open daily. Beer and wine. (IG) RED SEA ABYSSINIAN RESTAURANT Category: Booty Call/Rump Shaker Best: Murals for reliving scenes from The Harder They Come. The Specs: The only all-reggae club in the Northwest, this sprawling joint houses three bars and a restaurant. The restaurant is plain, but the "beefiest ribs in town" they boast live up to their name with melt-in-your-mouth meat and barbecue sauce. Live bands play in the expansive club section every Thursday and Friday. On Wednesday and Saturday nights, DJs spin dancehall and the ethnically diverse crowd takes to the mirrored dance floor with perfected abandon, watched over by a larger-than-life visage of sage Bob Marley. The last half-hour tends to devolve into a hip-hop/dancehall bump'n'grind extravaganza described by one of the regular barkeeps as "that Shaggy-type stuff." Seen & Heard: "Might come back 'round and see what wit'ch you ladies?" 318 SW 3rd Ave., 241-5450. Club closed Sundays through Tuesdays. Beer, wine and liquor. (TS) RIALTO Category: Hipster/Booty Call/Sports Best: For honing your pool-sharking skills 'fore you hit Vegas, honey. The Specs: Touted as a virtual Disneyland for gamblers and gamers, the actual off-track betting area downstairs is an eerily quiet holodeck of TVs and folding chairs. The ground floor is more lively, with more than a dozen pool tables, smoker-friendly high ceilings, and a diverse group of pool sharks ranging from high-rolling business people to rowdy kids celebrating their 21st birthdays. Drinks are strong and moderately priced, and the menu includes a hummus plate smattered with olives and pepperoncini, a delicious garden Reuben, and the best cheese fries on earth. Seen & Heard: "She's had a beer and a cigarette in her hand since she was 18." 529 SW 4th Ave., 228-7605. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JS) RINGLER'S ANNEX Category: Hipster Best: Place to write letters to a friend studying at the Sorbonne. The Specs: In many ways Ringler's Annex--the bar most likely to be confused with a subway stop--offers the best of two worlds: dimly lit, shadowy walls conjuring thoughts of dangerous, New Orleans-y dives and the fresh-fruit deliciousness so pervasive during these robust times. This place has become one of my most consistently favorite places to hang, what with the below-Burnside-bungalow coolness of its geography, the flickering candle-play lighting and inventive drink menu. On a recent visit, my small, corner table brimmed with a blazing Goldschlager martini loaded with Tabasco sauce, a clean-burning glass of 12-year-old Glenlivet and a grapefruit kamikaze--Stoli vodka swimming with fresh grapefruit juice. Seen & Heard: "Pretty freakin' hot, huh?" (white-aproned waiter to my Goldschlager martini-drinking compatriot) 1223 SW Stark St., 525-0520. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (MM) THE ROSE AND RAINDROP Category: Swank/Hipster Best: For those too old to have their birthday at Farrell's. The Specs: Showboat meets Irish hotel lobby. This is probably the best-lit bar in Portland, and there's space, space, space. The downstairs has intimate booths and group tables, while the upstairs is the perfect perch hideaway. Sit in the right spot and you'll have a Portlandia view of your fellow imbibers: semi-trendoids who hold down full-time jobs so they don't have time to cruise the retro stores for off-the-rack hipness. The drinking at R&R is as straightforward as the clientele. All the usual booze, 22 microbrews on draft and seven imported ales on draught. Cute. To extend your drinking hours, there's enough deep-fried food to make the Colonel jealous. Seen & Heard: "Oh my God, she's preggers!" 532 SE Grand Ave., 238-6996. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (PW) SANDY HUT Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: Place to spend quarters in bathroom vending machines. The Specs: This spacious neighborhood bar has it all: stiff cocktails, steamed clams, pool tables, steak, shuffleboard, a jukebox and friendly bartenders. The central location makes it an ideal place to meet up with party cohorts at one end or the other of a rowdy evening. Hang with the regulars on bar stools at the far end or mingle with younger nightcrawlers around the roomy booths. New ownership has resulted in better air filters and much-needed bathroom renovations in recent months. Seen & Heard: "Why spend money if you're not getting drunk?" (cost-conscious patron singing the praises of the Hut over other, less-economical hipster joints) 1430 NE Sandy Blvd., 235-7972. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (LB) SAUCEBOX Category: Swank/Booty Call Best: Place to ask, "Have you seen Paige Powell tonight?" The Specs: I'm too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt comes to mind at Saucebox, 'cause yup, there are a lot of people here way too sexy for their shirts. Once your look is checked in the mirror by the people eating plants and flowers at the tables, and you've gotten a sweet-and-sour cocktail from the I'm too intelligent for this crowd...too intelligent for this crowd bartender, and had a few soybeans--excuse me, edamame--to munch on, then everything'll be just fine. Perfect Pear or Coconut Lime Rickey? Why, yes, thank you. The "turntable as musical instrument" edict, courtesy of DJ Mu Mu, creates a pleasantly mutant groove. And when architects and ad execs lock eyes with bubbleheads and beefcakes in "come here, go away" mating rituals, well, one can just imagine the Ally McBeal plotlines in their brains. Seen & Heard: "That's not a painting, that's a manipulated photograph." (bartender to a couple inquiring about the art over the mirror) 214 SW Broadway, 241-3393. Closed Sundays and Mondays. Beer, wine and liquor. (ML) SCANDALS Category: Gay Best: For a Mike Pippi sighting. The Specs: Every time I've gone to this gay man's fern bar I've spotted Pippi, the RACC director. OK, so I've only been once, but there was Pippi, entertaining a tableful of mustached mates by the front door. Really, it only takes the one visit to see why Scandals remains a très populaire meeting place for men who like men. A breezy, almost tropical mood is cast by the bounty of blooming plants hanging in the wide windows. The clientele stretches from the bookish (Powell's is just around the corner, after all) to the brazen (one chap donned black leather short-shorts, a fleece-lined leather jacket, boots and nothing else). Plus, you can't beat the deals: a Mai Tai, Cuba Libre and Mirror Pond all go for nine bucks, total. On Friday and Saturday nights, Scandals works the weekend with a DJ and dancing. Seen & Heard: "I'm sorry, I don't smoke tobacco." (our kind waiter when we tried to bum cigarettes; he soon returned with four complimentary smokes) 1038 SW Stark St., 227-5887. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (MM) THE SCOREBOARD Category: Sports/Local Hangout Best: Place to watch the current baseball game on three really big TVs at the same time. The Specs: Three well-lit rooms that include pool tables, darts, keno and many mismatched tables. Each room has at least three TVs flashing a different sports game. Drinks are inexpensive--$2 to $5 for your beer basics and most cocktails, from margaritas to scotch and sodas. Food highlights include burgers and nachos with cheese ($2-$4). The crowd varies from crusty regulars to sports fanatics to young blue-collar workers. A nice place to while away a few hours playing pool and throwing back a few good stiff drinks. Seen & Heard: "I don't know where the hell my 12-year-old kid is." (50-year-old man to his companion) 4822 SE Division St., 233-2971. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (JL) SECOND ACT Category: Hipster/Local Hangout Best: For feeling like you've been dropped in Chicago in 1983. The Specs: In this PSU local, red vinyl booths appear to have sprouted up among the Metallica-black walls, and decorations are campy '80s style, including black-and-whites of Scarlett O'Hara and E.T. in the bike basket. The men's bathroom is especially conducive to long visits because of the nifty Touch-n-Glow light. Candace the waitress adeptly pours crafty Guinness pints while chatting it up with Rastafarians and punk rockers alike. Beer is reasonably priced, but the wisest buys are on the weekday specials: Wednesday night is South Park evening, when rum-and-Cokes go for a mere $2. Seen & Heard: "But it's really unfair these days. The young girls are just cuter than they were when I was young." (aging regular explaining that his moral standards forbid him from looking at anyone under the age of 65) 1717 SW Park St., 227-2855. Open daily. Beer, wine and liquor. (KD) SHANGHAI TUNNEL Category: Hipster Best: Montana bar west. The Specs: I don't know how this basement bar became the darling of half of Missoula. Could it be their love of sailorly lore (as Old Town tunnels were used for the diabolical smuggling of unwitting drunks out to sea, thus giving the bar its name)? Or is it cook and Fireballs of Freedom guitarist Kelly Gately's undeniable charisma? At any rate, the Shanghai has mass appeal: decidedly different pub grub, eclectic non-local brew, darkly lit make-out ambience and now, slightly more room. The bar recently expanded its L-shaped downstairs into a square, but it's just as packed as ever; slip upstairs for quieter conversation. If you're young and rad and have friends visiting from out of town, bring 'em here--it's very Portland. Seen & Heard: "I once counted more Missoulians in the bar than non-Missoulians." (patron conferring with Montanan doorman about the high representation of Missoula staff and customers within) 211 SW Ankeny St., 220-4001. Closed Mondays. Beer, wine and liquor. (CM) THE SHIP Category: Local Hangout Best: For watching the Dodgers kick some Giants ass. The Specs: A comfortable mix of everyday folk frequent the Ship in Multnomah Village, from w