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BEST SUGGESTION FOR THE ROSE PARADE
Generally known as a reliable travel guide, Fodor's proves in its Gay Guide to the Pacific Northwest that even the best sometimes make mistakes. Fortunately, writer Andrew Collins' errant information could very well be Portland's gain, should the gay community start adhering to it. According to Collins, the Rose Festival and Grand Floral Parade is "immensely popular with the queer community.... GAYFOLK, USUALLY CLAD IN WHITE GLOVES, HANG OUT IN FRONT OF NORDSTROM TO CHEER ON THOSE DRAG QUEENS MARCHING IN THE PROCESSION." Collins seems to have confused the Rose Parade with the Gay Pride Festival. But what if the two events were combined? Wouldn't the schlockfest that is the Rose Festival benefit from queers in white gloves frantically waving as gaudy high school floats rolled by? As Marv Albert would say, "Yes!" BEST ROSE FESTIVAL EVENT
Not surprisingly, the festival's most entertaining event isn't actually sanctioned by the Rose Festival Association. Every year, during the Starlight Parade and Run, the Oregon Hash House Harriers repeat an eight-year tradition, their TOGA HASH. This group of "drinkers with a running problem" begins with a few beers at either someone's home or the Goose Hollow Inn before they run to downtown, through the parade route and on to the Benson Hotel. After more beer and a little song, the hardy hashers make their way to Alexis Restaurant on West Burnside Street to enjoy yet more beer, along with some ouzo and belly dancing. When the Starlight's runners come off the Burnside Bridge, the toga-clad maniacs pour out of the Alexis to join them. This year, according to OHHH "general manager" Heidi Froebe, more than 60 runners donned togas; in past years, as many as 80 have participated. The annual run, sponsored by Redhook Brewery, is open to all (even non-runners)--though proper attire (i.e., a toga) is a must. Call the Oregon Hash House Harriers Hotline (say that five times fast) at 321-5125 for more information. BEST NEW BIKE LANE
White lines are being painted all over Portland to create new bike lanes for our ever-expanding population. But the bike lane that gets our vote is the one running down the industrial core of SOUTHEAST WATER AVENUE along the eastern bank of the Willamette River. Not only is the lane clearly marked, it's wide, flat and long, and provides one of the most scenic urban bike tours around. Car traffic is pretty light, but watch out for enormous semi-trailers unloading their wares. If you're lucky, you might catch a glimpse of a long industrial train snaking its way through Portland--just be prepared to wait and wait and wait if you're trying to head east. The east bank of the Willamette is also home to a large feral cat population; riding through the area and seeing the critters lounging around in old tires and piles of junk is akin to seeing Cats on Broadway. Just hum "Memories" as you breeze by on your bike and you'll get the idea. BEST RAILS-TO-TRAILS PROJECT
There's a growing movement around the country to convert old, unused railroad tracks into bike and pedestrian paths. The best local example is the new SPRINGWATER CORRIDOR trail that runs from Southeast Portland to the town of Boring. The 16.8-mile stretch of old rail line was reopened in September as a gravel-bedded bike and pedestrian path complete with shelters, maps and mile markers. On a sunny day, you'll see the 10-foot-wide trail used by walkers, joggers, bicycles and wheelchairs. The trail runs along Johnson Creek (and crosses it 10 times), from Sellwood to Eastmoreland, to Lents and on through more sylvan stretches of outer Southeast Portland, where horses, cows and sheep graze beneath red-tailed hawks and kingfishers. The trail, which cuts through Gresham's Main City Park, also connects with spurs that lead to the Beggars-tick Wildlife Refuge (named after a native sunflower) and the 570-acre Powell Butte Nature Park. In all, the trail cost $2.58 million, with 80 percent of the money coming from the federal government and the rest from six different local governments. One convenient place to find the trail is at Tideman-Johnson Park, located at Southeast 37th Avenue and Tenino Street, not far from the Reed College campus. BEST BUS TO BIKE BEHIND
There you are, pedaling away on your bike, being a diligent, environmentally conscious commuter, only to find your hard-working lungs filled with cloying diesel dust. What's a bicyclist to do? Either deal with the fumes, or seek refuge behind an odor-free
NATURAL GAS BUS. You'll have to do a little searching for one of the 10 LNG (liquid natural gas) buses in Tri-Met's fleet of 600 diesel ramblers, but the difference in emissions is significant. The buses were purchased in 1992 and 1993 as an experiment in alternatives to common contaminators. Currently there are no plans to incorporate more LNG buses, as the folks at Tri-Met are awaiting hybrids: smaller diesel engines that power electric motors, which could eventually be as clean as natural gas vehicles. Dual-mode buses are preferable to those that run on natural gas, because they are more powerful (the LNGs have a hard time on hills) and easier to fuel (increased numbers of LNG buses would require retrofitted filling stations). For now, try to tail a cross-town LNG, usually found on bus line No. 70, which runs on east 11th and 12th avenues between the Rose Quarter and Milwaukie stations. BEST OUTDOOR DANCE FLOOR
Rain slickers aren't usually made from particularly breathable material--this fact should explain why dancing in these parts tends to occur indoors. But if the packed courtyard at BAR 71 (71 SW 2nd Ave.) is any indication, there are plenty who feel that the confines of a smoky club conflict with dancing's aerobic nature. Thursday through Saturday nights, Gene Kelly wannabes can ride-da-train in the fresh air and, weather permitting, under the stars. Spinning styles from hip-hop to acid jazz to disco, a regular lineup of DJs rotates the house turntables 'til 3 am. "We get all types dancing," says waiter Alec Brownlow. "From people in jeans and T-shirts to guys with rippling muscles and leather vests." Rain or shine, it sounds like everybody gets wet. BEST PLACE TO WATCH TELEVISION SPORTS
Let's face it, Portland isn't the best town for live sporting events, mainly because we don't have many exciting teams. For those who yearn for the feel of the stadium or ballpark but also desire the thrill of a major-league sport, FRIDAY'S FRONT ROW SPORTS GRILL (1 N Center Court, 235-0907) can't be beat. Located within a layup's distance of the Rose Garden itself, the restaurant's entrance is flanked by small sections of bleachers facing large-screen televisions that usually broadcast live basketball, hockey, baseball and football games. There are no vendors walking around with metallic baskets full of wet steaming hot dogs, but the waiters and waitresses will stop by and take orders from Friday's' expansive menu of fried treats, sandwiches and, of course, BEER! If you don't own a plane that can whisk you to sporting events around the country, Friday's is the best place to get a front-row seat nonetheless. BEST REASON TO VOMIT
The expensive bailout of Portland's science museum has caused many an awful sinking feeling in the stomachs of area taxpayers and city servants. But the gastrointestinal discomfort caused by OMSI is more than a poetic euphemism to describe the financial woes of the institution. In fact, a good many people get sick at OMSI while experiencing the wraparound screen in theOMNIMAX THEATER. Staff members are currently gearing up for the November release of Thrill Ride: The Science of Fun, 45 minutes of visual roller-coasters. Usher Laura Raynor says there may even be plans to make souvenir barf bags. "I think there will be a lot of sick people," she says. Projectionist Stewart Kyle downplays the frequency of motion sickness at the movies: "When we opened, it was pretty bad. Now we only have one or two a week." BEST PUBLIC FOUNTAIN
Among the many wonderful fountains boasted by the city that works, the newest and potentially best is the underused "WATER SCULPTURE" AT THE ROSE QUARTER. About the size of the Salmon Street Fountain in Waterfront Park, the Blazer fountain cuts a similar circular medallion on the ground, within which rise two 10-foot columns. On occasion, the twin cylinders vomit pillars of fire and water out of their tops. More dependably, though, a blanket of holes perforating the fountain's surface launches rapid-fire bucketfuls of water, which fall to the glazed ground in a staccato of crisp, static-y splashes. At its most enthusiastic (and at the viewer's most stoned), the water sculpture crescendos in a clapping, crashing mandala of waves and beats, hammering together a thick quilt of crushed, ambient sheets that recede and return as the holes ignite back and forth across the fountain's face, spiking the air with needles that crumble into fuzzy pulses and throbs. If only it weren't stuck in the heart of the Blazers' anti-neighborhood, surrounded by funtime restaurants and sterile sports bars, this fountain would be undisputedly the best. BEST PLACE TO CATCH A WAVE INDOORS
It's raining, or you don't feel like driving all the way to the beach, or you want to play in the water but dread the monotony of swimming laps. Whatever your motivation, there's ample opportunity to act like a kid or engage in more mature pursuits at the NORTH CLACKAMAS AQUATIC PARK (7300 SE Harmony Road, Milwaukie). This huge complex, built three years ago, houses a wave pool boasting 4 1/2-foot waves greeting a 189-foot twisting tunnel and a 169-foot open slide. Another pool has diving boards and a slide that shoots giddy revelers cannonball-style above the water. If there are too many rowdy children in the fun-park digs, you can immerse yourself in an adults-only whirlpool, lounge on the sun deck or hit the sand volleyball court. Additionally, there are four community rooms, private family changing quarters, the Surf's Up cafe, a coffee cart, a plethora of classes and lessons and of course a six-lane lap pool. To beat the crowds, show up in the evening. BEST DOJO IN A BASEMENT
Calm prevails on the Southeast Portland street where Gary Rooney lives. But in his house most evenings, a group of people kick, punch and sweat. Rooney's basement--outfitted with $2,000 worth of wood flooring and mirrors and strung with boxing gloves, belts, photos and certificates--doubles as the dojo TEN CHI KENPO (4274 SE Morrison St., 236-1778). Here he teaches the 35-year-old combination of Japanese karate forms and Chinese Tai Chi Chu'an and Jujitsu known as Ten Chi. Rooney has been studying and teaching martial arts and boxing for almost 25 years, and it shows. Watching one of his classes, you can sense the concentration in the air as students strive for proper breathing, balance and movement quality. "Don't look for great power. Don't look for great speed. Look for fluidity," Rooney reminds them, then demonstrates with a perfectly controlled series of kicks and blocks. After studying in Boston with Ten Chi's founder, Norman Armstrong, and being named an All-American in karate, Rooney moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. He's appeared in many television shows and "chop-suey movies," playing mostly villains ("I always get a death scene," he says), casting that belies his action-hero good looks. Having lived in Portland since 1994, Rooney continues to take acting jobs (he appeared in the TV series Under Suspicion and Nowhere Man) and has also begun making and selling tile-top tables with his wife, potter Kate Purcell. But teaching is obviously his calling. Rooney says he's turned down offers to finance an expansion of his dojo, because more space requires more income and more students, and "things ultimately end up getting watered down to pay the rent." As it is, training in the miniature dojo helps his students learn one of Ten Chi's tenets: awareness of other people's movement. Class size is "generally four to 10 people," Rooney says, "but there's always room for more." BEST MUSIC AT A SPORTING EVENT
Have you been having dreams in which you find yourself surrounded by flames, yet joyously hollering "hey" at rehearsed intervals with a mouth full of snacks? Prolong the revelry no longer; rush to PORTLAND FOREST DRAGONS arena football! A rowdy medley among excessive pyrotechnics, the tunes at a Forest Dragons game are sure to flare your nostrils. The gratuitous mix of rave, metal and organ makes chair-dancing positively irresistible, but you won't need to exhaust your esprit. Each song plays a thrilling combative intro for 20 or 30 seconds, then fades as your attention is commanded to the pint-size field. Like being teased with small bites of your neighbor's frankfurter, your sporty enthusiasm will become explosive with the desire for more; no riff will outlast even the shortest attention span. BEST PRELUDE TO FIRST THURSDAY
First Wednesday! Get yourself primed for your monthly evening of standing around looking at art with an evening of standing around looking at...naked women! The first Wednesday of every month is competition night at SASSY'S (927 SE Morrison St.), which means the employees dance it out for $200 in prize money. Winners are selected by the applause meter, so the women go the extra mile on the pole and cruise through the crowd doing PR work between songs. The atmosphere is rowdy and crude, but with a sense of healthy competition and camaraderie that makes Comp Night a fun event for most of the family. BEST CASINO IN WHICH TO LOSE THE KIDS WHILE YOU LOSE MONEY
Next time you've got the hankering to pull a belly card to fill that inside straight--but can't because the babysitter has a date--head to SPIRIT MOUNTAIN CASINO. The Confederated Tribes of the Grand Ronde are so accommodating that they built a giant, amusement-park-style play room staffed by certified day-care providers. Never again will child-care responsibilities stand in the way of gambling. Don't you love the '90s? BEST UNKNOWN ULTIMATE FRISBEE CHAMPIONS
The Ultimate Players Association claims that Ultimate Frisbee has existed as a competitive sport for more than 20 years. If that's the case, why has it taken Portland so long to welcome the sport, or the home-grown team that's regularly slaughtering teams from all over the country? SCHWA (that's the upside-down "e" grammar symbol) is Portland's premier women's Ultimate team, and although hardly anyone knows it, Schwa is doing Portland proud. In the last four seasons, the team has gone to national competition twice--in '96 it entered ranking second. Schwa won nine of the 11 events it played last year, earning enough prize money to fund some of its trips.
BEST SOCIAL CLUB FOR ENHANCING SELF-ESTEEM
Robert Shnayer wanted to provide a way for larger folks to socialize and foster camaraderie without fear of ridicule or prejudice. So two years ago he founded CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, a free social club for B.B.W. (Big Beautiful Women), B.L.T. (Big Lovable Teddies) and their admirers. This is not a place for group therapy (or weight-loss discussion), there are no books or agendas and it is not a dating service, although romances do occasionally blossom. Primarily, the purpose is for big people to have a good time and realize that they are not alone, even though they live in a society that still reveres wafer-thin bodies. Close Encounters currently has about 80 members; an average of 30 people show up for the weekly rendezvous at the rear patio of the Old Lompoc Restaurant and Tavern (7 pm Saturdays).
BEST WIN BY A LONGSHOT
More than half the money laid down at Portland Meadows on April 19 bet that the 2-to-1 favorite horse, Pay Roll, would easily win the $40,000 purse in the annual Oregon Derby. At post time, Pay Roll's ears were perfectly perked as he trotted over to the gate, making gamblers feel confident and proud. Then, just three seconds before the starting bell, bettors heard a shocking announcement: "Pay Roll has been scratched." After loading into the gate, Pay Roll had slipped on his heels and flipped over backwards. Both horse and rider were fine but had to be pulled from the race, throwing the odds and spectators into a frenzy. Long shot EASY EXCHANGE ended up the unexpected winner, leading the muddy track easily and paying $20.20 on a $2 bet.
BEST NEAR-MISS
Just what Nike really needed: more publicity. On Tuesday, April 1, the crew of a NIKE-SPONSORED ROSE FESTIVAL DRAGON BOAT was trying to sneak in a little extra practice after sundown. But the dragon boat was in the dark: literally. It had no lights on board, which made it invisible to passing marine traffic. At about 8 pm, a 150-foot barge collided with the Nike boat, splintering it and sending its crew of 25 rowers into the Willamette River. Several crew members were trapped underneath the barge as it cruised along. Luckily, another Nike dragon-boat team was practicing nearby and rescued the soggy crew; everyone retreated to the nearby RiverPlace Hotel, which provided blankets, towels and warm drinks for the shaken and shivering boaters. Four people were injured, and several had bruises and mild hypothermia, but the disaster could have been much more serious; no doubt a few folks sighed little Swooshes of relief.
BEST PLACE TO ROCK OUT WHILE YOU PUMP UP
Mariah Carey remixes are the last thing you want to hear when you're chasing that anaerobic high. The grunting of fellow fitness slaves isn't very inspiring either. When it comes to music at the gym, things are usually beyond your control, unless you tote that clunky Walkman around. But the brawny brains at the PORTLAND HILTON ATHLETIC CLUB (921 SW 6th Ave., 220-2672) came up with a brilliant idea: They've wired their stair-climbers, treadmills and stationary bikes to a central stereo and attached a volume control to each machine; exercisers bring their own CDs to the attendant, who pops them into the stereo. So if you can't afford a personal trainer, at least you'll have personal music as inspiration.
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