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BEST LECTURE TITLE
If you're wondering whether your churning gut and plentiful effluvia are a farce of imagination,
consider Dr. George Koval's recent lecture
at Provident St. Vincent Medical Center: THE SPASTIC AND IRRITABLE BOWEL: IT'S NOT ALWAYS IN YOUR HEAD. BEST WAY TO GET A PET WITH A CASEWORKER AND A LEASH
Adopting a pet is only the beginning of what should be a long and prosperous relationship. GREYHOUND PETS OF AMERICA (800-366-1472) knows this, and in addition to finding good homes for retired greyhounds, the organization also provides new owners with a leash, a humanitarian collar, and a caseworker who will check up on the pet/owner adjustment period. GPA's motto is "Adopt a 45 mph Couch Potato," and this couldn't be more true. Although greyhounds can reach amazing speeds when they are running, most greyhounds prefer to spend the day sleeping on the couch. Compared to the cost of buying a dog from a breeder or even adopting one from the Humane Society, GPA's fee is reasonable and includes medical work, such as a spay or neuter, shots and dental work. BEST NON-SEXUAL BATHROOM GRAFFITI
In the men's room of the BLUE MOON (432 NW 21st Ave., 223-3184), we found religion, metaphysics, humor and political correctness: "If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans." BEST ENTRANCE TO A BASEMENT BAR
Usually, to reach a bar located below ground level you have to climb down a dank staircase that makes you feel like a grubby alcoholic in search of an underground speakeasy during Prohibition. But at RINGLERS ANNEX (1223 SW Stark St.), one of the latest additions to the McMenamins empire, a visitor can descend from the street to a cavernous room via a wide opening in the sidewalk. The stairs, lined on either side by mosaic tiling, lead straight to the bar, but you can proceed directly to one of the cozy wooden tables adorned with candelabras. The entrance also comes in handy as a ventilation system when Ringlers is crowded with smokers. The only downside is that the metal doors have to be closed during inclement weather, forcing patrons to use the conventional side-door entrance on rainy days. BEST ANIMAL IN A CLASSROOM
Don't be alarmed when you walk into LaVeta's Day Care in Southeast Portland.MAX, the African gray parrot, isn't dying of lung cancer. And he isn't crying over spilled soymilk, although the hacking, wheezing and whimpering bird might sound pretty miserable. It's just that Max is so damn good at imitating people--even little tiny people--that he sounds like a Memorex. The hook-billed bird, one of several critters used to teach and entertain the tykes, is kept above the baby nap area, which is where he learned to cry. "He also imitates all the kids with colds, so people who hear him think he's dying of cancer," says owner LaVeta Roberts. If you can't make it to LaVeta's, but you have some kids who'd like to be imitated, you might be able to talk her into making a house call. Roberts runs a second business called Child Care to Go, providing on-site day care at adults-only events such as weddings, parties and conventions. "We just did a wedding out at Edgefield," Roberts says. "The guy didn't want any kids at his wedding. Companies like it, because they can get more adults to show up for their events. The parents like it because they know their kids are close by and taken care of, but they're out of sight." BEST SOCIAL CLUB
On North Williams Avenue and Monroe Street, the city's most menacing-looking social club, the CLEO-LILLIAN (3041 N Williams Ave.), scowls out "Private Club, Members Only" at the rare passerby, daring the uninvited to open its door. Rumors swirl among the uninitiated, in hushed whispers, about the goings-on inside: Cranked up Gypsy Jokers eating chili dogs and smashing beer bottles on each other's heads? Mummies and zombies doing the monster mash? Erik Sten and X-Pac plotting the future of downtown parking? Actually, none of the above. The Cleo-Lillian, a venerable, 30-year-old establishment, is a lingering remnant of the once-vibrant African-American business and club district along North Williams Avenue, razed in the early '70s for the building of Emanuel Hospital. And now, after surviving all that, the Cleo-Lillian is endangered by the changing demographic of the neighborhood: more yuppies, less noise. Sadly, the iron gate inside the door and the rules of membership posted beside it (including "It is not permissible to fight other member") may soon be coming down. BEST GAS STATION BATHROOM
On the road it makes perfect sense to relieve yourself and fill up your car in one stop, but gas station bathrooms don't have the greatest reputation; the ones located outdoors around the side of the building are especially intimidating. Not so at KANSO'S AM-PM MINI-MARKET (10966 SE McLoughlin Blvd.), where the coed WC could define spic 'n' span. The decor is simple gray and white, but the room is so clean, and it's the size of a corner office. Additionally, this establishment sports some of the best gasoline rates around. During the past four months, the price of regular unleaded has fluctuated between $1.19 and $1.26 per gallon. BEST KITCHEN APPLIANCE APPRECIATION GROUP
Form, function and toast. The most dedicated admirers of the wonders and beauty of the toaster live right here in Portland. THE TOASTER MUSEUM FOUNDATION pays homage to toasters on its Web site (http://www.spiritone.com/~ericn) and with its tri-yearly newsletter (Hotwire/The Toaster Museum Foundation, P.O. Box 11886, Portland OR, 97211-0886). The foundation stems from a museum/cafe that president Eric Norcross opened in Seattle in 1988. Every table in the cafe was equipped with an attractive vintage toaster for patrons to make their own toast. Norcross has since closed the museum and moved to Portland, but his passion for toasters never wanes. He and his wife (a former frequenter of the cafe) have continued to collect toasters and the history behind them. Currently, there is no museum for all of the prized possessions of the foundation, but the Web site acts as a virtual home for the toasters and displays their beauty through toaster art. The newsletter provides information and a format for toaster lovers to praise the object of their obsession. If you're really nice, Norcross might let you see his collection. BEST LOFT
As the most mythical and bohemian of habitations, the loft is necessarily a work in progress, a possibility-laden space--a space for living, yes, but with a life of its own. Such is the case at 410-B SW 13th Ave., half a block south of Burnside Street. Surrounded by churches, street life and used book stores, the UBERHAUS, as it is known, has profited from a heritage of artisans working and living in its high-ceilinged bowels: the carpenter who built the loft within the loft and the 20-foot-high shelves; the lamp builder who fashioned the found detritus into elegant light-giving sculpture; the painter whose proficiency adorns the acres of whitewashed wall space in an ever-changing panorama. The west-facing wall is glass; another is brick; the square footage is enough for a fair-sized ball to take place (not unusual). With a scant sheet separating the privy from the rest, inhibitions should be checked at the door. BEST PLACE TO CHARGE AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE
Look Ma, no tailpipe--just a socket, a plug, and the clean quiet hum of an alternating current; if only Nikola Tesla could see this mini-version of his electric dreams. On SOUTHWEST SALMON STREET BETWEEN 1ST AND 2ND AVENUES is a free charging station for electric vehicles. That's right. Free. Any electric vehicle can pull up to the curb, plug in, turn on and two hours later have enough juice to go 40 or 50 miles. This filling station of the future (self-serve, open 24 hours) opened last fall courtesy of Portland General Electric (now Enron-PGE after its merger with the Texas-based energy giant). The City of Portland has even chipped in by making it illegal to park a gas-hog at the two filling station spots at any time. BEST PRANK
When nearly 100 pranksters, all dressed up as St. Nick, descended on Portland last December, they got a rude surprise from the Portland Police Bureau. At every step of the way, the jolly revelers were greeted by large numbers of Christmas-cheer-impaired Portland cops. Despite the great fondness the Yuletide revelers showed for Christmas spirits, nothing got broken, nobody got hurt, and charges from the weekend's two arrests (for handing out Christmas gifts wrapped in old Playboy pages) were promptly dropped. The prank, an annual ritual of the CACOPHONY SOCIETY, brought Santas in from Cacophony chapters in San Francisco, LA, Seattle, Eugene and Reno. BEST EUPHEMISM
Politically motivated citizens, bookish singles and new arrivals to Portland wanting to find out more about the city might all be caught by the enticingly tame-sounding ROSE CITY DISCUSSION CLUB. What they'll soon discover is that this year's topics for discussion included nipple clamps, flogging and multiple male orgasms. The Northwest's "largest open pansexual club" does welcome new members and prides itself on providing a safe and open atmosphere to talk about sexuality. To find out when the next meeting is, call the hotline: 650-7052. BEST GARGOYLE
As far as gargoyles go, this one isn't terribly well-crafted. It looks like it would be at home in a gardening superstore, right next to a concrete elf or a kneeling fawn with big teary eyes. But the beast guarding the house on SOUTHEAST 28TH AVENUE south of Powell Boulevard wins for its very incongruity. The house is lemon yellow and dripping with hanging flower baskets. The yard
is always trim, the hose always coiled. On the roof there is a simple duck decoration. So what explains the hideous creature's prominent perch over the front porch? It's made of green concrete or plastic. Its mouth gapes in an evil cackle, its wings are spread as if it's about to take flight, and the white plastic chain around its neck seems to be the cause of the protruding blood-red eyes. Seeing the creature juxtaposed with the gingerbread trim and rose bushes, one doesn't know whether to laugh or run away screaming. BEST ITEM LEFT ON A TRAIN
Tri-Met patrons often complain about the rough rides, but it seems that those jerking stops and starts on trains and busses might actually be therapeutic. A peek into Tri-Met's lost and found closet reveals a fleet of unclaimed items, including 2 1/2 pairs of crutches and a COLLAPSIBLE WHEELCHAIR. Tom Gonsiewski, Tri-Met's lord of lost items, says the chair was left on a MAX car June 28. And, he says, it's not the first time. "We've actually had a few wheelchairs," he says. Gonsiewski figures the chairs are left by riders who can walk short distances and simply forget that they stowed them when they boarded the train or bus. Either that, he says, or it's a testament to the "miraculous service" his agency provides. (If the wheelchair is yours, you can claim it at 238-4855, assuming you still need it.) Gonsiewski says the oddest item ever left on a bus was a human skull, which was reclaimed by some frantic med students. BEST SPACE STRETCHER
Seven-foot-high ceilings can induce claustrophobia--not the most diner-friendly atmosphere. To combat a closed-in feeling and spice up their pizza parlor with more than just oregano, management at the BLIND ONION (3345 NE Broadway) wisely contracted artist Karen Higgins to create an illusion of space. Higgins has masterfully captured all of Portland in an intricate mural on the walls of the vertically challenged eatery. The mural in the small room filled with a few tables and video poker machines (the short kind) took about one month to complete during the spring of 1996. Higgins has done more residential than commercial paintings, but in both she specializes in trompe l'oeil--art that fools the eye. Though there are clouds on the ceiling in her version of Portland, there will never be rain. BEST PLACE TO FEEL ROMANTICALLY INCLINED
Old books are romantic. So are high ceilings, dim lighting, marble staircases and a floor covered in roses. Which makes the MULTNOMAH COUNTY CENTRAL LIBRARY (801 SW 10th Ave.) the place to go if you want to pretend you're the heroine in a bodice-ripper or one of those swooning authors who died of consumption. That the library is open only for a few sweet hours each week increases the sense of furtive naughtiness. (There he was, gazing into the Italian poetry section; alas, will you ever see him again? Not Sunday...not Monday...never before noon.) What other pick-up joint organizes personality types by the Dewey Decimal System? And you can rent certain rooms in the library building for parties (call Sandra Lahti, 306-5578). If you still aren't convinced, consider what the English poet Henry King wrote in "Exequy to his Matchless never to be forgotten Friend" (1657), the famous elegy about his wife: "Thou art the book,/The library whereon I look." BEST ADDITION TO THE ZOO
Large mammals get the lions' share of attention when they arrive at the zoo via the old birth canal. But once the novelty factor wears off, those baby quadrupeds don't seem to act much differently than their ponderous parents. That's certainly not the case at the primate house, where newborns inevitably put on a great show. Our favorite this year is KAREN, a delightfully daring Douc Langur colobine monkey born at the Washington Park Zoo on Sept. 6 to proud parents Gia and Rhett. Karen proved fearless from an early age. Shortly after being moved to her large exhibition area in October, she fell from an upper platform, into a net that was covering a portion of the concrete floor. Zookeepers quickly stretched a net over the entire exhibition-area floor, and Karen now safely swings and jumps from the ropes, logs and platforms while mom and dad nap and groom themselves. Douc Langur, native to the monsoon and rain forests of Vietnam and Laos, are strikingly beautiful. Known as "five colored" monkeys, they have rust-colored leggings, black fingers and toes, light blue-gray torsos, dark butterscotch-colored faces ringed in white and white butts and tails. The species is listed as endangered, thanks to the usual threats of hunting and habitat destruction, exacerbated by years of war. Washington Park Zoo is one of only three zoos involved in breeding the monkeys. BEST GLAMOUROUS BATHROOM
Step into the ladies room at the ADRIANNA HILL GRAND BALLROOM (918 SW Yamhill St., 2nd floor) and be swept away to a different era. If you're modest, you may feel a bit funny hanging out in this lounge-like bathroom due to the see-through stalls, but stay long enough to take a good look around. Gauzy curtains replace traditional stall doors, while opulent gold-leaf framed mirrors, lighthearted pictures and flowers abound. Proprietors Philip and Linda Sword researched Victorian ballrooms and scoured antique shops and estate sales to create an elegant, decidedly not-cutesy look. Victorian modesty will prevail, though; heavier gauze will be added to the women's room to put patrons more at ease. BEST LOW-INCOME HOUSING
Portland architect and urban planner Ernie Munch tries hard to pass the honors to others: Marilyn Miller at Portland Impact, who had the idea; Walsh Construction, the outfit that built it; even the site itself, which is remarkable for the sweeping curve of Southeast Division Street on the east as well as handy access to bus lines, a first-rate elementary school and other important amenities. But credit for RICHMOND PLACE (4141 SE Division St.) must fall ultimately at the feet of Munch, who, among other things, donated a significant portion of his services to the project. All but two of Richmond Place's 21 units share south-facing bay windows. The structure, says its architect, is "fashioned after buildings you'd find in a street-car suburb." Open since February, Richmond Place was designed to provide transitional housing for 40 families a year. It serves that purpose ably while demonstrating the ability of an architect to craft something wonderful at a low cost. In these times of soaring housing prices, that's no mean feat. |
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