BEST NEIGHBORHOOD DOG
BEST EXAMPLE OF KIDS HELPING KIDS
BEST USE OF HEAT LAMPS
BEST PLACE IN THE CITY TO PRETEND YOU'RE AT THE COAST
BEST PLACE FOR GUS VAN SANT SPOTTING
BEST TAPE BALL
BEST PLACE TO MEET A MANLY MAN
BEST MURAL IMPROVEMENT
BEST CHANGING BILLBOARD
BEST FUND-RAISER
BEST CATHOLIC MASS YOU CAN WEAR JEANS TO
BEST TRASH TALK
BEST PORTLAND JOKE
BEST COOL COP HANGOUT
BEST INNER-CITY MANSION
BEST CLOCK
BEST PRENATAL YOGA CLASS

Best Neighborhood Dog
There's no question that Northeast Couch Street's unofficial mascot is a friendly dog--so friendly it's hard to tell who owns him. Comet, an Australian shepherd, splits his days between chasing lawn mowers and crawling onto the lap of anyone who squats down to pet him. His craftiest endeavor is what sets him apart: Rain or shine, Comet positions himself at the top of a little hill in his owner's yard with a dirt-caked tennis ball balanced on his paws. When potential playmates venture past, he noses the ball down the hill to land at their feet just as they reach his territory. It's probably the slimiest, dirtiest tennis ball in Portland, but who can say no to those puppy-dog eyes?

Best Example of Kids Helping Kids
These days, playgrounds and parks seem to be haunted by the memory of the Springfield shooting. President Clinton offered his condolences, but Cody Hill, an eighth-grade student at Jackson Middle School, offers something more substantial: an alternative to violence. Hill founded Guns Aren't Fun, a project that coordinates events in which kids can trade in toy guns for nonviolent toys such as basketballs, soccer balls and games. Hill has raised more than $13,000 and bought more than 2,000 toys from toy stores that do not sell toy guns.

Best Use of Heat Lamps
Paris gets all the credit for its crowded cafe terraces, where black-clad artists, writers and philosophers hole up at tables that face the teeming boulevards. But despite a climate that's hardly conducive to such activity, Portland boasts a thriving outdoor cafe scene that's bustling even in the cool, damp winter. At least one local coffeehouse picked up on this: Coffee Time (710 NW 21st Ave., 497-1090) installed heat lamps that hover over latte-sipping denizens intent on seeing and being seen any time of year. The partially controlled environment allows locals to read, converse or people-watch in sleet or snow or dark of night, beneath the warm glow of the heavy-duty, all-weather lamps. In a city where people wear shorts during bitter cold spells, this coffee shop recognized that Portlanders deserve all the temperature help they can get.

Best Place in the City to Pretend You're at the Coast
If you can't make it to Cannon Beach but are feeling oppressed by the summer heat and city exhaust, Riverplace is the best spot to pretend you're strolling by the ocean. Located south of Tom McCall Waterfront Park, between the Hawthorne and Marquam bridges, this stretch of galleries, shops and restaurants has the touristy feel of a small seaside town. Enjoy an ice-cream cone while you examine all the windsocks, clocks and small figurines you could ever not want to buy. Sit at an outside umbrella table and drink a beer or eat a sandwich while you admire the boats docked at the marina and cruising along the Willamette. From in-line skaters to those who look as if they're dressed for a country-club brunch, there is a good crowd for people watching. And, although there aren't any salt-water taffy shops, there are a few seagulls mixed in with the ducks.

Best Place for Gus Van Sant Spotting
Christina Ricci, Liv Tyler and Robin Williams play an unlikely trio of diehard karaoke singers in Gus Van Sant's upcoming film, Sing a Song. Well, maybe that's not the only reason Van Sant was raptly watching amateur mike-handlers at Chopsticks Express (2651 E Burnside St.) this spring. Although he didn't perform his own rendition of Magic Man, 99 Luft Balloons or Stop Dragging My Heart Around, Van Sant seemed to enjoy the mix of hipsters, barflies and wannabe stars at Portland's finest karaoke club/Chinese restaurant.

Best Tape Ball
When Sean Healy stuck two unused portions of duct tape together in the spring of 1995, no one saw any reason why they should not be eternally bonded. Now, three years and four crates of tape later (that's 160 rolls), Healy's pet project has the power to maim. With a circumference of 6 feet and a weight somewhere near 100 pounds, the duct tape ball residing at 4th Dimension Studios (the studios are private, but you can call 220-4098 for an appointment to view the ball) is the largest known in the metro area--if not the world.

Best Place to Meet a Manly Man
Giant holes in the ground. Earth being torn apart by large machinery. Men clinging to a fence filled with awe. All this theater is visible downtown, on the corner of Southwest Broadway and Yamhill Street, once the site of the Fox Theater. Whether envious of the macho construction workers, reliving the Tonka days of their youth or simply obsessed with destruction and oversize machinery, men stand in flocks, utterly transfixed. If you can draw their attention from the site for one moment, you've discovered the best new pick-up spot in town.

Best Mural Improvement
You might think a bunch of strapping construction workers would whitewash a cutesy storefront on sight, but Hoffman Construction decided against demolition when the company moved into a vacated gift store on Southwest Taylor Street and Park Avenue. Instead of erasing the frolicking forest animals adorning the corner of the building, construction workers gave them orange hard hats.

Best Changing Billboard
A used clothing and furnishings store might not seem like a great source of fresh ideas, but the marketing department at the Portland Goodwill (1943 SE 6th Ave., 238-6165) makes the most of its billboard. "We want to show that Goodwill is contemporary and fun," says spokeswoman Dale Emanuel. Each Friday the employees come up with new wording for both sides of their sign. "We try to make it as topical as possible," Emanuel says. She adds that they're sometimes hampered by their lack of commas, apostrophes and question marks. Among her favorites are "Couch seeking loose change," "Goodwill Saved My Life by Poly Esther," "Hawthorne Bridge detour here" and "Kids: Scream really loud until your mom stops here." But the sign that got the most attention (several reporters called Emanuel to see if it was true) was "of course M. Lewinsky shopped here."

Best Fund-Raiser
Some of this city's most talented modern dancers can be found at strip bars. Proving that dancing nude is a valuable and thoughtful art, the ladies of Mary's Club (129 SW Broadway) held a benefit for KBOO radio station on Sunday, May 17. Wearing PJs, fluffy hats and hightops, the dancers performed to records spun by local experimental DJs. Tips were donated to KBOO. The diverse crowd of regulars, nonprofit types and hipsters who showed up for the event all marveled at the dancers' breakdancing skills, as well as their, uh, other skills.

Best Catholic Mass You Can Wear Jeans To
The walls of St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church (330 SE 11th Ave., 232-5880) are plain. Plain as a brown paper bag. The lighting is poor. The sound system is dreadful. But despite--or perhaps because of--all this, it is home to one of the most moving, most intimate masses in Portland. "This mass is at the heart of what Catholicism is about: celebrating," says Kirsten Healey, an elementary-school art teacher and St. Francis regular. Services are accompanied by a folk band, and the Lord's Prayer is delivered with acoustic accompaniment. In addition to the standard hymns, the church covers songs by Hoyt Axton and Harry Chapin. "We try to create a relaxed atmosphere to welcome everybody," says pastoral administrator Valerie Chapman. Chapman, a single mother and leader of the parish, extends this idea to the dress code. "We have registered members of our parish who live under bridges," she says. "If we were to dress in suits, ties, nylons and pumps, it wouldn't be very welcoming to people who couldn't dress that way."

Best Trash Talk
Only in earnest Oregon would a government agency set up outdoor classrooms to teach its citizens how to recycle household waste. At Metro's four composting demonstration centers, garbage guru John Foseid leads free Sunday morning home-composting workshops on the do's and don'ts of making your own dirt from food scraps. In his one-day class, gardeners build a compost pile together and learn everything they've ever wanted to know about vermicomposting (letting worms eat your trash), the nitrogen cycle and the ideal recipe for healthy soil. Though the goal is solid-waste reduction, Foseid finds that the classes also give a boost to local sentiment about our regional governing body. "This is one service Metro offers where we really get into the community instead of being this big government," Foseid says. "I'm right down on your level; we're both getting our hands dirty." Call Metro's recycling information line (234-3000) for a schedule of fall classes and locations.

Best Portland Joke
It's a quiet night in the Western desert. The moon is high, and the herd of cattle is quiet. Three cowboys sit around a crackling fire after a meal of canned chili. There is a Texan, a Californian and Portlander. The Texan pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one swig, throws the bottle in the air and blasts it with one shot from his six-shooter.

"Why'd you do that?" ask the other two.

"I don't need that shit," he says. "That stuff practically runs out of the ground where I come from."

Then the Californian pulls out a bottle of fine zinfandel. He takes two drinks and throws the bottle up in the air, blasting it three times with his 9mm Baretta Man Killer handgun. "We've got plenty of that in California," he says.

Next the Portlander pulls out a chilled bottle of Henry Weinhard's Private Reserve, cradling it with love. He opens it, sniffs deeply and drinks it down to the last drop.

"Aaaaahh!" he says with a thank-you nod to the heavens. Then he throws the bottle into the air, pulls out his 10-gauge shotgun and blasts the Californian. "We've got plenty of those in Portland," he sighs, holding out his hand. Catching the empty Weinhard's bottle he adds, "...and I can get 5 cents for this!"

Best Cool Cop Hangout
Where can you find a sympathetic cop first thing in the morning? Just stop in at Utopia Coffeehouse (3320 SE Belmont St., 235-7606), and any negative feelings you ever harbored toward our men and women in blue will slip away as you sip your latte and chitchat with the regulars. Utopia is the haven for Belmont-area officers, who have congregated there since its opening in September 1994. They're attracted by owner Joanne Perkins' tough-love smile and gruffly soothing service. Utopia also carries one of the better pastry selections in town. (Southeast cops apparently prefer scones to doughnuts.)

Best Inner-City Mansion
Michael and Reta Pratt, owners of Northwest Portland's Pratt Tile company, wanted to buy a big house with plenty of space to paint and make collages, as well as sleep, shower and cook dinner. But they didn't want to move to the West Hills or the suburbs. One night, while eating at their favorite restaurant, Esparza's, they noticed a huge cement warehouse on the corner of Southeast Ash Street and 28th Avenue. After finding out it was for sale, they successfully bid $300,000 on the space and have, with the help of remodeling expert Billy Sull, begun transforming it from a cavernous industrial space into their own mansion. In the past few months, they've worked on building rooms in the interior, putting in windows and painting over their dream home's gray cement exterior with a lovely pistachio hue.

Best Clock
Known for bargain sushi prices several nights a week, the Takahashi (10324 SE Holgate Blvd.) also boasts an It's a Small World clock. Every hour, the namesake tune is played while little doors next to each number open to reveal a small figurine child. When the song ends, only the door at the proper hour is left open.

Best Prenatal Yoga Class
The image of the hippopotamus ballerinas from the Disney movie Fantasia comes to mind when yoga instructor Cathleen Dehen cultivates the gracefulness of her pregnant students. Every Tuesday from noon to 1:30 pm at the Julie Lawrence Yoga Center (600 SW 10th Ave., Suite 406, 227-5524) expectant moms practice yoga to develop strong, flexible bodies and calm, confident minds. "Your hips will do amazing things during labor," Dehen explains as she coaxes her students into a several-minute-long squat. "You need to keep them lubricated." The class enjoys the luxury of spending a healing and energizing hour and a half with other expectant women. Dehen, who has taught yoga for more than a decade, has three children of her own, so she is well-qualified to help prepare women for the joyous and arduous adventure of pregnancy. Every quarter, she offers a couples class in labor management to help the future mothers and their partners deal with the discomfort of delivering their precious bundle of joy. ("Face it," she says, "it's pain!") Pregnant women can join the prorated prenatal yoga class anytime.