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COMPILED BY VALARIE
SMITH |
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You'd be surprised how many people consider themselves experts when it comes to sex. Trust us. In December the personals department at Willamette Week placed a help-wanted ad asking all wannabe sex columnists to send us a cover letter, résumé and sample question-and-answer column. The results have been astounding. We've spent the past three months wading through more than 250 applications. The hopefuls represent every population out there: single men, married women, anti-marriage activists ("I spit on marriage and believe in mass sterilization," offered one applicant), straight people, gay people, bisexuals, psychologists, strippers, shamans, current and past Willamette Week employees and husband-and-wife/best-friend duos. Most of the résumés were standard (although one woman submitted a collection of past affairs and crushes), but it was the sample Q&As that separated the professional advice dealers from the mere confidants. Most hit the same subjects: jealousy, adultery, shyness, threesomes, penis size, oral sex, Internet sex and attracted/attractive to losers and psychotics. Strange cross-application coincidences popped up, such as the two columnists who posed the same problem: "I love my boyfriend/girlfriend, but he/she is allergic to my dog/cat." Both strongly urged the questioner to keep the pet and dump the partner. While we're making our decision (hey, we're trying to hurry, but we don't want to be hasty), we offer an eyeful of some of the more charming responses we've received. COVER LETTERS "This would be a great opportunity to expand my audience and allow me to alienate hordes of complete strangers, not just the people close to me." "I was a music major in college, and am therefore unqualified to give advice on any subject.""My past entanglements [are] relatively awful and fully representational of the cross-section of jackasses alive and kicking in the Western world." "I'm energetic, self-motivated, have become a skilled negotiator and defuser of conflict.(If you eat your lunch, you can watch the Barney video.)" "I can quote Kermit or Kierkegaard, and use both of them in a sentence. I can understand the reader and the subject. I write well. I'm funny. I can also breakdance. I was born on Valentine's Day and I'm single, so I get into love and irony and stuff." "If you don't hire me I will embark upon a downward spiral of depression not seen since Morrissey lost his pool boy to the croup." "As two ex-sluts from two sides of the Atlantic, we've got plenty to say to the poor wretched souls still floundering in singles-land.""One of my aunts was a prostitute in Hollywood in the 1940s. Two weeks ago she died of syphillis." "As a rock musician [I have] observed and lived just about every sad, pathetic malady of the dating scene." "Once a single gal in England and an ex-stripper in America, [I have] experienced all the come-ons and disappointments that go with being female.""Hi, I'm J. The one without a resume. Why? Well, because I can't find it and anyway it's close to 12 years old....If you would like a formal resume (please don't though), I will be happy to submit one on your request." "I left an envelope with my resume, cover letter, and Q&A. I think I spelled *chlamydia* wrong. Oh well, some spell checkers are better than others." BEST OF THE SAMPLE Q&AsBest way to end relationship if partner is suspected of having an affair: "Lull him into a false sense of comfort.... Meanwhile, look for that one piece of hard evidence (receipts, etc.) that he cannot refute. Then shove it up his ass." Best reason to shop at an adult store: Best pet question: Best one-two punchlines: "If homo sapiens were instinctively monogamous Congress would be busy reforming the health-care system right now." "The ugly truth is, stalkers aren't stalkers unless you break up with them first."
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