Where We Went
The July night is already blood-warm when I shoulder my
way into the Roseland Theater. Once inside, as the
gut-smashing screams of Slayer burn over the sound system
and testosterone vapor steams off the backs of a packed-in
audience, it gets 10 degrees hotter. Heat, tension and friction
are the goals of this event. This is Fight Night III.
I'm here to see men smack the crap out of each other.
Without further ado, the fighting's under way. The first
match I see is slow but dirty, a small guy in a pair of
too-tight spandex shorts facing down a small guy in a white
karate outfit and a blue belt. They feint, then scuffle
a bit on the ground, but the audience wants blood.
"Take his belt off and feed it to him," they roar. And,
for one second, the fighters heed the call. The man in black
stomps up to the man in white, grabs him by the crotch and
the head, raises him high and bodyslams his ass. Hard.
The audience goes buck-wild. Pour cheap beer into extremely
amped men, let them watch combat and you will see the potential
of the "cheer."
Despite the bodyslam, our friend in white comes back to
win. It's an anti-climactic victory, not all that vicious.
The whisper goes through the crowd: They were too well-matched.
For better or worse, the next fight is much more lopsided--and
much more brutal.
In this corner, a massive man weighing in at around 250,
with an extremely hungry look in his eyes and wrestling
briefs with "pankration" (the name of the no-holds-barred
fighting style most of tonight's contestants use) in bold
upon the rear. And in this corner, a kind of biggish fellow,
looking frightened and more than a little out of place,
wearing a pair of khaki pants.
The two opponents circle each other like cats. Within seconds,
Khakiboy is on the ground, being strangled by Hungryman.
Khakiboy looks terrified. Out of mercy or just to give the
audience its money's worth, Hungryman lets up. The catdance
begins again. It goes this way another six or seven times,
until Hungryman ends it with a two-armed choke.
I talk to Hungryman after the fight and learn several things:
1. His real name is Josh Barnett.
2. His real nickname is "The Baby-Faced
Assassin," and his record is 23-0.
3. His opponent tonight "was pretty
inexperienced" and it "was more like
an exhibition" (i.e. fake).
4. There is "only one sport that every
country in the world does, and that
sport is wrestling."
So, in the name of international harmony, I declare: Long
live the fighting arts!
THIS WEEK, MAX MALT THIRSTS FOR
GORE AT:
Fight Night III
Roseland Theater
Saturday, July 8
FRIENDLY FAMILY FUN EVENT:
Game Night w/ Jeffrey Kyle
Bingo and board games.
Berbati's Pan
231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579
9 pm Monday, July 24
WE LUV 2 LAFF @ KOMEDY!
Don McMillan
You may recognize Don as Gus, the Budweiser Delivery
Man.
Harvey's Comedy Club
436 NW 6th Ave.,
241-0338
8 pm Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday,
8 and 10:30 pm Friday, 6:30, 9 and 11:30 pm Saturday, July
19-23
$8-$10
ComedySportz
Them dudes sure is funny!
1936 NW Kearney St., 236-8888
9 pm Friday, 7:30 and 9:30 pm Saturday,
July 14-15
$10, $9 with a can of food for the Oregon Food Bank
Dave Anderson
A nationally known comic who hosts a popular radio talk
show in Portland.
Bradford's Down Under Comedy Club
2752 NE Hogan Road, Gresham, 665-3894
8:30 pm Friday, July 21
$5
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