Though an overabundance of literature exists for those seeking to learn
how to be a good spouse, few writers have ever examined in detail that
much trickier role of being an effective mistress. With the ever-increasing
visibility of mistresses, the time for this disparity to be corrected
is long overdue. So here is a guide to getting the long end of the stick
with your not-so-main man.
Teach
Him His Place
The most important thing for any mistress to remember is that the
man with whom she is involved is, above all, a heel. He is enjoying
the comforts and benefits of marriage, but due to a failure to communicate,
boredom or other entirely selfish reasons, he has chosen to sleep with
you. His wedding ring is not the kind of thing a girl in your position
should let him forget, especially when you consider the many and varied
benefits available to you after you've carefully applied pressure. You
must wield sexual availability, veiled threats and simple charm. A thoughtful,
well-planned approach to satisfying the heel can bring advantages that
many a dutiful wife can only dream of. In our society, mistresses have
historically been denied their rightful status as the real force behind
the hearts of men, but this very anonymity is part of our special power
to get what we want without having to endure the in-laws, brats and
housework that being with a man full time invariably entails. However,
it's the clandestine nature of the heel-mistress relationship that's
left us to waste valuable time and effort making the same mistakes as
those before us, robbing us of the real power inherent in having a man,
in the truest sense, by the balls.
Selecting
Your Heel
Certainly the main factor in achieving success with your heel is
starting with good raw material. None of your feminine wiles will turn
a poor prospect into a viable one, so you must choose wisely. This may
seem obvious, but never choose a heel to whom you are unreasonably attracted.
So what if he's beautiful, has a great dick and is mind-boggling in
bed? This sort of heel has too many options. Such desirable attributes
can lead you to believe that you actually love him. For Christ's sake,
sister, he's a heel. Don't think for a moment that you want him for
anything more than the comforts he can provide--because that's the most
you're going to get. This fact is no longer disputed in any reputable
scientific circles.
There are reliable guidelines for selecting a heel. When these rules
are carefully followed, you can eliminate some of the tiresome guesswork
that usually accompanies selection of a mate. Selecting a heel should
be more on par, emotionally and spiritually, with selecting a pair of
high heels. And we all know how to do that, or we wouldn't be here in
the first place. First of all, background is important. New money might
seem to be just as deliciously spendable as the other kind, but family
ties are crucial. Remember that disfavor and disinheritance are interchangeable
in the minds of many heels, so you should always keep the threat of
exposure and attendant scandals as ready for use as the make-up in your
bejeweled evening bag. Secondly, a sound religious background, while
perhaps rejected in later years, is necessary to establish the foundation
of guilt that ensures your queenly treatment. Jews and Catholics are
highly recommended, but most mainline Protestants will suffice. Evangelists
are a poor choice because, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary,
they still think they are right. Such attitudes, needless to say, are
entirely unacceptable. The last thing a girl needs is to be told that
she is going to burn in hell for some heel's sins.
The
Wife
Even the heel who meets the above requirements may still be a poor
choice if he is saddled with a troublemaking wife. A girl may be sorely
tempted to tune out the heel when he discusses her, but she does so
at her peril. Clues that the wife may be psychotic are particularly
important. Offhand comments like, "She searched my briefcase this morning
while I was in the shower" or "she spun out my Mercedes on the freeway
yesterday" are your cues to send this heel packing. Furs and finery
are cold comfort when there's a hellbent harridan in your hallway.
Dating
Protocol
Obviously, when you're out with a heel, it is dismally inappropriate
to spend a dime of your own hard-earned money. It is within the realm
of decency, though, to spend a great deal of his cash. When you are
asked if a place you frequent is expensive, the correct response is:
"Why, I suppose it is. I never thought of it." To see or even suspect
the existence of a bill for something so paltry and fleeting as a dinner
or a weekend in Paris is to demean the very nature of being a mistress
and a clear signal that something has gone desperately awry. And no
matter how extravagantly alluring a proposed date might sound, remember
your responsibility to reject at least one out of every three--availability
is the very thing that his wife has over you, and you should never let
him forget it. Besides, if he has time to see you (a rarity) but is
blocked, he will be left with free time while thinking of you--which
can only lead to shopping.
Gifts
Gifts are undoubtedly the most delightful aspect of having a heel,
and their frequent arrival and ever-increasing extravagance make being
a mistress worth the trouble. Don't be shy about pointing out luxurious
items you would love to have, and never miss an opportunity to place
the heel in convenient proximity to them. Suggest the parking place
right next to that furrier or jeweler, and make sure that he sees the
stuff. With larger diamonds or more expensive fur coats, it helps if
you try them on. It should be no great stretch at this point to show
him how happy and beautiful you could be if he pulled out that gold
card. And he will, believe me. Especially if you can link the purchase
to some tangible benefit for him, like rescinding a threat, conceding
an argument or, for cheaper items, offering him a blow job in the car
on the way home. You should also be on the lookout for the "throwaway
gift." Many heels, once they rightly realize that showing up empty-handed
is not a viable option, attempt to assuage your needs with an arguably
thoughtful, but woefully inadequate, "little something." This should
never be encouraged, and a well-timed "headache" or sudden recollection
of a forgotten engagement later in the evening should nip this abhorrent
practice in the bud.
A
Sense of Proportion
Always remember that despite whatever fleeting joys a heel may share
with you, he still belongs to someone else. You must never be too attached
to a heel. To promote your own feelings of independence, it helps to
have other activities to occupy your time. Magazines, cigarettes, bubble
baths and trash novels all help. It is highly recommended that a girl
continue to look for a new and better heel whenever she has a chance--and
to maintain at least one other lover to prevent boredom and mental abstraction
in the heel's frequent absences. Such a strategy will be an invaluable
asset when the heel tosses you aside, as heels are wont to do, in favor
of someone younger, prettier and--if you've played your cards right--less
expensive.
Tony Smith is a retired mistress living in Portland.
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Willamette Week | originally
published March 10,
1999
|
