Liquid Cocaine
Mix one half-ounce each of rum (Bacardi 151 optional), Rumpleminze,
Jägermeister and Goldschläger.
Oatmeal Cookie
Mix
one half-ounce each of butterscotch schnapps, Bailey's Irish
Cream and Goldschläger.
Red Hot
A
Goldschläger
martini with Tabasco sauce. Try it--cautiously--at Ringlers
Annex, 1223 SW Stark St., 525-0520.
Goldschläger's
floating, decorative flakes are made of "edible gold," an
inert form of the metal which usually passes directly through
the body. The higher the gold's purity, the safer it is
to ingest.
In the Middle
Ages, drinking a concoction with gold coins or flakes in
it was thought to restore health.
Ah, schnapps! The clash of opposing viewpoints rages on:
Are they sophisticated, white-collar cordials, or just alcoholic
mouthwash? Do cultivated ladies enjoy a glass after indulging
in a classy repast of grouse or foie gras? Or is
it merely sweetened hooch used by sorority girls who get
jiggy and giggle, "Tee-hee! It's, like, [hiccup] flavored
or something!?"
The answer lies somewhere in between--and depends on which
brand you're drinking. With Goldschläger, a cinnamon
schnapps, you're definitely movin' on up, striding out of
the bargain basement and into that dee-luxe penthouse in
the sky. Unlike cheaper peers such as Firewater, Aftershock
or Hot Damn, Goldschläger aims at respectability--I
mean, it's got minuscule flecks of real gold floating
in it. How could one possibly see it as anything less than
top o' the line? (That dude who developed a rare skin rash
from chugging the stuff? Well, um, we'll get back to that.)
Though much of its popularity is due to sly marketing and
its visual gimmick, Goldschläger is definitely a standout
drink. It's not as heavy as other cordials; its first touch
on your tongue is sharp, as if it were carbonated (it's
not), and sweet, like Wrigley's Big Red chewing gum in liquid
form. But wait a second and you'll get the Big Payoff--a
cozy glow in your chest that's warmer than whiskey and twice
as nice. Where most high-potency drinks wake you with a
jolt, Goldschläger gives you a snuggly, lovable feeling,
the liqueur equivalent of wearing a pair of socks hot out
of the dryer on a cold morning. Only it's cinnamon-a-licious.
And, as a conspiratorial liquor-store clerk once said with
a sly wink, "This shit'll fuck you up."
Of course, many people already know this. But what of that
alarming pustule-eruption thing? According to a February
'96 report in the New England Journal of Medicine,
a young 'Schlägerholic was diagnosed with lichen
planus, an extremely rare allergic rash that occurs
in less than one percent of the population. Though the disorder's
cause is unclear, gold consumption has been known to trigger
it--and Goldschläger contains between 8 and 17 milligrams
of gold flake per 750 milliliter bottle. When our feckless,
'Schläger-hogging fellow stopped drinking the schnapps,
the itchy, pimply and purplish rash on his arms and legs
disappeared. Case closed.
Yet the disturbing medical fact remains:
As described by the Journal, Goldschläger gave
a guy "discrete pruritic, violaceous, planar papules on
the forearms, shins, and ankles, as well as fine reticulated
plaques on the buccal mucosa." OK, so that simply means
"a nasty rash." And, as mentioned above, it's as rare
as Michael Jackson sightings at the local mall. But it certainly
sounds scary, that's for damn sure.
Suddenly, one understands the old Goldschläger ad
slogan: "Be afraid. Be very afraid." Of course, that's not
gonna stop us from popping the occasional shot, now is it?
Nah. Since when did we let a little health problem come
between our livers and our liquors? That's right--never.
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Willamette Week | originally
published April 19,
2000
|
