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The old saw that runs, "If everyone does it, it can't be
worth doing" is daily proved in the land of the free, where
genuine life has been exchanged for the noxious pod of "lifestyle."
Suddenly appearing on the nation's to-do list is to try
the profusion of citrus-flavored malt beverages that have
replaced, for now anyway, the manufactured desire for Bartles
& Jaymes Wine Coolers. Now every other brewer is cashing
in on your curiosity. But allow me, gentle consumer, to
save you from the shoals of taste-testing these new concoctions
by sampling them myself.
Mike's Hard Lemonade has the highest alcohol content
on the market with 5.2 percent. It is also the least offensive
to the nose, as the uncapped aroma reminds one of a tub
of Calgon Bath Beads. Unfortunately, the similarity continues
on the tongue, conjuring up images of childhood bath mishaps.
Mike's is faint of malt though far more carbonated than
its competitors, which leads social critics to charge that
this crop of swills is geared to appeal to young drinkers.
Though brewers deny the claim, it's clear that Mike's could
just as easily spill from a soda fountain.
"Doc" Otis Hard Lemon Malt Beverage is Anheuser-Busch's
response to this new market. Launched on May 1 of this year,
"Doc" Otis has been given the type of billboard push normally
reserved for the latest SUV. Popping Doc's cap reveals a
much heavier use of malt and hops, though the sting of lemon
is also detected. But as this cordial greets the gullet,
one experiences the brief terror of esophageal closure through
tartness.
Off on its own, BoDean's Twisted Tea-Lemon Flavored
Malt Beverage is advertised as a Southern favorite.
Clearly, like grits and pig's brain, this is an acquired
taste, for it smells and tastes like the off-scouring from
a scaled teapot doused with Lemon Scented Pledge. Still,
it probably cuts a coat of hominy off the tongue--no small
accomplishment.
But take heart. We are not alone in faddish hunts for the
"new." Courtesy of Bass Brewers of London, we now find Hooper's
Hooch washed up on our shores. Hooch comes in two jolly
flavors, lemon and orange. Hooch has the lowest alcohol
content at 4.7 percent, and it also differs from its American
cousins in that one actually can find the odd trace of pulp
in the mix. But the Crush-like orange and Squirt-like lemon
flavor calls to mind those wild middle-school parties where
the punchbowl was always loaded, which again brings us back
to the fact that these potions can only appeal to the most
underdeveloped palates: those of juveniles and the British.
Having stained my sink with the dregs, I enjoyed a fresh
sip of Listerine. Alcohol content: 26.9 percent.
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Willamette Week | originally
published May 10,
2000
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