The
Thrifty Apocalypse
We're not talking
500-pound bags of potatoes or vats of tomato paste here.
Arm yourself with moonshine, anarchic tomes, multi-tools
and lingerie should Project Mayhem hit home.
BY
ZACH DUNDAS
You are ready. Your friends and loved ones--weak and degenerate,
in the thrall of naysayers and that goddamned Ally McBeal--are
not.
You have secured a bunker at an undisclosed location
somewhere near the Montana/Idaho border. You have laid
in enough Progresso to last until the next Red Sox pennant.
You've canceled your subscription to The New Republic
and started planning for your own New Republic. In fact,
as soon as you noticed that your daily e-mail warnings
to president@whitehouse.gov were not being answered, you
began to prepare.
You are understandably concerned for those close to you
who have not made such provisions for the grand (possible)
binary reckoning of Y2K. So, why not help the doe-eyed
innocents, relieve your worries and knock off your
Christmas list at the same time?
Big-ticket items--the isolated compound, generators,
sanitation systems--probably fall outside your stocking-stuffer
price range. Still, for not much cash (which will shortly
be worthless, anyway), you can outfit your dearest with
choice items guaranteed to make the collapse of civilization
more comfortable and a little more fun.
ooks always make handsome gifts, particularly when the
age of universal literacy is about to end. How to
Start Your Own Country, a 1984 treatise by one
Erwin S. Strauss, outlines the fine points of secession.
Buy Strauss' opus, which gives advice on topics from currency
conversion to superpower relations, online from Loompanics
Unlimited, Washington state's most gonzo publishing house.
For the low price of $12.95, this tome can enliven Junior's
permanent Christmas vacation. See www.loompanics.com.
Of course, any societal realignment has religious implications.
Hip your sig-ots to the need for spiritual flexibility;
depending on how things shake out, they may need to switch
faiths at a moment's notice. A run through Powell's
can help. Nelson Publishing's distinguished King James
Bible ($25.99) helpfully highlights Jesus' words in
red. Tahrike Tarsile's utilitarian paperback edition
of the Qur'an ($5.95) could definitely help in a crunch,
while Key Concepts in Eastern Philosophy
by Oliver Leaman ($17.99) will be your guide should you
run afoul of marauding Feng Shui lovers.
The end of electronic entertainment may, with any luck,
lead to a literary renaissance. Penguin's sturdy paperback
edition of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace ($13.95),
a weighty coffee-table adornment for self-serious post-grads
in happier times, could replace Pokémon as a time
killer par excellence. Try it for young adults.
For those more musically inclined, the classic Hohner
Marine Band Harmonica ($16.95) is available at Old
Town Music (40 SW 3rd Ave., 295-6808). Portable and loud,
the harp is the sound of hard times, as anyone who's seen
a movie set in prison or the South can attest.
If you're going to have music, you'll need liquor, of
course. The killjoy laws of the United States sicced revenue
agents on freelance spirit-makers for years. Now, those
troubles are forgotten with the Stillife Complete Still
Set ($239.95), available online at www.stillife.com.
Your doting wife or handy hubby will be thrilled with
the set's instantly operational sealed boiler, Liebig
condenser, vapor transfer tube and tap connector. I once
sipped this unholy distillation of worldly pleasure from
a Mason jar while standing at the edge of a cliff, watching
an apocalyptic August meteor shower. Moonshine is a little
strong for times of peace, but it could be the
guiding light on doomsday.
We all know where liquor leads. Winters will be cold
on the New Frontier, so why not avail yourself of the
oldest form of heat there is? Guys, head up to Bad Attitude
Boutique (3312 SE Belmont St., 235-6990) and grab your
gals something naughty for those long, dark compound nights.
Leg Avenue's sheer black thigh-high lace-top stockings
($9-$10) are available in so-called "lusty" sizes. A more
understated black nightie from L.I.P.S. ($39.95)
is tres sexy, with an enticing, lacy bow front-and-center.
Women, of course, know that there are few forms of underwear
that actually make men look attractive--and understand
the adverse impact of cold on the male anatomy. A classic
red or white union suit from a sturdy standby like
Sears ($12.99) will keep blood flowing where it needs
to flow.
Athough it's a little late to start light-infantry training
for neophytes, every bit helps. Your kids or young friends
can work on basic small-arms combat theory and guerrilla
tactics with the CORE Semi-Auto Kit ($149.99) from
Tigard's own
PaintballOnline.com (15717 SW 74th Ave., Suite 400,
620-4847). Your little soldier receives a Core One paintball
pistol, fashioned from polished aircraft-grade aluminum.
Softstream no-fog goggles (very important) are included,
along with sundry paintball accouterments.
Of course, that's just training. The real thing will
require real guns. As the hand-written sign on the front
of Portland's most no-nonsense sportsman's store, Bwana
Junction (322 SW 3rd Ave., 228-0783), says, "A gun, like
love, is a many-splendored thing." However, with guns,
as with dress shoes and olive oil, it doesn't pay to be
cheap. You might want to reserve pricey armaments for
yourself and a select crew of staunch loyalists--and for
them, B-Junction has a wide selection of models and prices.
For friends and distant relatives, allow us to recommend
the extremely useful Leatherman
Micra all-purpose pocket tool. Invented right here
in Portland, the Leatherman is a compact, silver-colored
handyperson's dream. Whether you're opening a stubborn
bottle of homebrew or skinning a small animal, the Leatherman
has what you need. For just $20 a throw at Bwana Junction,
you could take care of quite a few people with this little
chestnut, clearing much of your to-buy-for roster in one
fell swoop.
It will do you good to practice such skills, at least.
After all, after Jan. 1, the ability to kill two birds
with one stone may come in very handy. Good hunting.
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