LEAD STORY Our Pet (and Petty) Portland Peeves COLLECTED BY PATTY WENTZ, CARYN BROOKS, SALLY COHEN, JOHN GRAHAM AND KAREN STEEN

Don't get us wrong. We love Portland. Really. We do. But as the monsoon season washes away the traces of holiday cheer, we find ourselves a bit cranky. We're annoyed by everything--from the way Portlanders dress to the way they drive. We know that the 50 nits we've picked are bound to meet some dissent among readers (heck, we couldn't even reach consensus inside the newsroom). And we realize that in Los Angeles or Detroit complaints about public art, the quality of bagels or the canned announcements on a new light-rail system would be laughable. But we think that in a city that so prides itself on livability, these gripes need to be acknowledged. We could argue that this exercise might serve to make a great city even better. But we'll settle for the fact that, if nothing else, it makes us feel better. Did we miss something? Our team of crack curmudgeons scoured the area for blemishes in the Rose City, but we may have overlooked a few. If you have a pet peeve you think should be on the list, we'll consider it for publication in early February. Send it to our Pet Peeve Department via fax ([503] 243-1115), e-mail (jschrag@wweek.com) or snail mail (822 SW 10th Ave., Portland OR 97205). And keep it short. It really ticks us off when people ramble. BLUE JEANS AT THE OPERA We're the first to champion free expression in clothing, and we don't think all business deals need to be wrapped up with a tie. But let's face it--the Oregon casual look has gone too far. No matter what the affair, from taking out the trash to taking in Tosca, Portland men throw on their bland "going out" uniform: an Eddie Bauer chambray shirt and a pair of Dockers. You might as well wear jeans. Remember, though, not everyone looks as good in their 501s as the governor does. C'mon, guys, grow up and put on a suit--or at least a black turtleneck--once in a while. JOHN MARLER With his perfectly quaffed hair, plastic demeanor and perky co-anchor spouse, it's no wonder some of his KATU colleagues refer to this talking head as Ted Baxter. He may be what a "big market" newscaster looks like, but a computer-generated caricature would fit the bill just as well--and save the station some money. WHITE GUYS WITH DREADLOCKS CELEBRATING HOMOGENEITY What kind of celebration of diversity could a God-fearing pro-lifer expect if she pulled her Dodge Dakota, complete with NRA and OCA bumper stickers, into the parking lot of Old Wives' Tales? THE BUS MALL When traffic was diverted from 5th and 6th Avenues in 1977, city officials swore it would result in the renaissance of downtown. Twenty years later, while the rest of downtown is booming, the cavernous thoroughfares remain a dark wasteland of sad store fronts, scrawny trees and lifeless commuters. FAUX UNDERGROUND No matter what arts and culture Portlanders are into, if it's not Top 40 dance music or capitalistic Disney flicks, we think we're hip to the subcultural trip. While we're busy slapping ourselves on the back for buying Dead Can Dance CDs or seeing Sundance films, members of the real underground (such as PICA or the Creative Music Guild) are struggling for recognition. A SMALL POND WITH FEW BIG FISH Witness the Lauderdale laudfest of 1997. Sure, Thomas has talent, but did he really do anything that year to rate 37 articles in The Oregonian and 10 in WW? The overexposure and use and abuse of the Pink Martini lead man showed just how desperate we are for a little panache in this town. SEATTLE'S BEST COFFEE In Portland? Have we no pride? MEREDITH BROOKS This won't-tell-her-age lass is our contribution to the angry-woman-rocker movement? That's a bitch. Foods we love, but can't get in Portland KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS KK cultists from the South and the East Coast have to go to Las Vegas for a fix of these uniquely delicious deep-fried treats. They're available in 24 states, but not this one. H & H BAGELS These were voted the best bagels in New York City several times. Portlanders with an East Coast yen can have them shipped, but there's no place to buy them locally. WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS We're not sure why people like these greasy little squares, but they do. Sorry, frozen sliders don't count. GINO'S CHICAGO-STYLE DEEP-DISH PIZZA If you're not reaching for the Rolaids before you stagger from the table, it isn't real deep dish. PIROGI AND HALUPKIES You can get frozen pirogi--kind of like ravioli stuffed with mashed spuds--but what's the point? Halupkies, cabbage rolls stuffed with ground beef, rice and stewed tomatoes smothered in a tomato sauce, are even more elusive. EAST COAST-STYLE SOUTHERN ITALIAN It's cheesy, it's gooey, it's fattening. We deserve it. JEWISH DARK RYE Good rye should be hard on the outside--like a football--and squishy on the inside. We don't have it here. SIDEBLOCKS The building boom has turned our so-called walkable city into a maze.   BAD BUS ETIQUETTE We've done the math. This city's transit riders are collectively losing 2,343,212 minutes a year because people insist on exiting the bus by the front door. Okay, we haven't done the math. Still, we certainly waste hours per day as buses miss lights. Remember, you get on at the front (that's the end with the driver) and get off at the back (those doors aren't there for ventilation). BAD BIKER ATTITUDE We're pretty proud of Forest Park, an oasis in the city. But if you're not on two wheels and want to enjoy Leif Erikson Drive, watch out. On this carless freeway, bikers become top dog, and their ugly nature is revealed. On any given Saturday afternoon the tranquility of the woods is shattered as gonzo bikers tear down the road, sending toddlers, joggers and puppies ducking for cover. Hey, spandex butts, save your Tour de France fantasies for the bike lanes. CONCRETE HIKERS Columbia Sportswear sells a line of "technical parkas," including the $330 "Titanium" coat, advertised as adequate for 20 feet of snow. When's the last time we had that in Portland? If your idea of getting outside is a drive through the Gorge, you have no business owning this coat or the $179 pants that go with it. Get yourself a $1.99 plastic rain poncho from GI Joe's. That way you'll be prepared in case you spill your non-fat vanilla double decaf latte while you're driving your Land Rover. PAM VISITORS How to visit the Portland Art Museum and look like a local. 1. Touch the art. 2. Stop for as long as you want directly in front of the most popular display. 3. Talk to your companions loud enough for everyone in the gallery to hear. DWIGHT JAYNES Actually, we're often fans of the Oregonian sports columnist. But his obsession with bringing professional baseball to Portland is unnatural. Dwight, babe, it ain't gonna happen. Subscribe to Soccer Digest and move on. OBLIGATORY OVATIONS Portland audiences are notorious for leaping to their feet at the end of even the most mundane performance. TOM McCALL IS DEAD BAD DRIVERS Believe it or not, the following traffic guidelines do apply in Portland: 1. Slow traffic keep right. 2. The lever on the left side of the steering column is a turn indicator. 3. Chains are for snow--and lots of it--not predictions or even flurries. SPECIAL MESSAGE TO THE DENIZENS OF HAWTHORNE BOULEVARD 1. There is no gentle way to say this: Patchouli stinks. Really. 2. Socks with Tevas and Birkenstocks: Hello? They're sandals. If you're cold, put on some real shoes. 3. Tie-dye, like Jerry, is dead. THE COLISEUM FORD SIGN ON BROADWAY If we wanted this kind of nostril view, we would go to the dentist.   OREGON PUBLIC BROADCASTING Over at OPB radio, Patrick Cox used to provide relief to Anglophiles; now he has been replaced by the multi-monikered Kristian Foden-Vencil. They're both splendid chaps, but if we wanted to tune into the BBC, we'd settle in Vancouver, BC. PUBLIC PET ROCKS Big boulders are not art--they're big rocks. Yet they're adorning apartment buildings along East Burnside Street and offices complexes downtown. The most ridiculous, however, are the four precariously placed rocks perched on top of mirrored podiums on the sidewalk next to Pioneer Place Mall. POLITICIANS' FIRST NAMES As local comic Dwight Slade has noted, we've got Vera Katz, who defeated Earl Blumenauer for the right to succeed Bud Clark. Vera, Earl and Bud. What's next? Jim-Bob Francesconi and Bubba Hales? SUVS ON THE CORNER Although this problem certainly isn't unique to Portland, it is especially infuriating in a city that prides itself on being green and polite. Anyone who has tried pulling out onto Belmont, Albina, Fremont, Hawthorne or any of our busy retail streets has encountered the frustration of having the view blocked by these hulking, polluting behemoths. A little-known parking statute dictates that nothing over six feet--or anything that blocks the view--should be parked on the corner, but tickets are rarely given unless someone complains. Finally, a use for cell phones. A call to parking enforcement at 823-5195 could earn the offender a $25 ticket. SUNDAYS DOWNTOWN This is one of the mysteries of Portland. The area around PSU is filled with high-rise apartment buildings and gracious brick towers line the Park Blocks, but where do all these people go for breakfast? Other than the Ione Plaza Cafe, the pancake-and-omelette crowd has to hike all the way to Bijou Cafe on Southwest 2nd Avenue or Shakers on Northwest Glisan Street. WILLAMETTE RIVER ACCESS Sure, the river runs through us, but it's a tease. Tom McCall Park might as well rest along one of the Los Angeles canals for all the access we have. Other than a few spots such as Willamette, Sellwood and Cathedral Parks, you can't GET to the river. When was the last time you canoed in the Willamette? And have you ever swum in the river? Given the two-headed fish that have been found, you might not want to, but you should at least have the option of doing so without a 20-minute drive. MUTUAL FRIENDS It's been noted that there are two--not six--degrees of separation among strangers in Portland. This is a real problem when gossiping about anyone in a public place. Chances are the person sitting at the adjacent table is currently dating the tennis partner of the person you're so snidely slamming. THE X-RAY CAFE IS CLOSED THE COFFEE PEOPLE LOGO Starbucks is as sterile as a corporate boardroom, but CP has always been the brew of the masses thanks to the homely yet homey visages of founders Jim and Patty Roberts. But that's all over since their merger with Second Cup last year. The logo is now just a bitter reminder that, eventually, everyone sells out. UMBRELLAPHOBES What's with people who shun umbrellas as a crutch of the weak, then complain when it rains? FASCIST HIPPIES OK, you're a natural-fiber wearing, bike-riding vegan saint who recycles until your fingers bleed. But if we go into the Paradox Palace Cafe wearing lipstick, we don't want any smirking out of you. FAILING PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE Now that's a name to inspire confidence, both in Failing Street pedestrians trying to cross Interstate 5 and the tremulous drivers below. CIVIC SMUGNESS The way we carry on, you'd think we'd invented urban planning, recycling, environmentalism and democracy. UMBRELLA FANATICS At the other extreme are people who insist on complete protection from the elements by using massive golf umbrellas as they stroll blithely along city streets. In small numbers they're only moderately dangerous, but when two of these imbeciles encounter each other on the sidewalk, the rest of us are left dodging and covering our eyes. UMBRELLA IDIOTS If you've got an umbrella, buddy, don't walk under the awning covering the sidewalk. Save the sheltered space for the umbrellaphobes. VOX MAX The recorded announcements on the MAX are one sign that Portland is becoming a big city that we don't like. Before 1997, drivers had to get on the mike and actually talk to the passengers. Gone are the days of clever quips about the weather, current events or traffic that made the ride tolerable. Now the announcements are all automated, cold and often wrong--thanks to technology. THE GROPER The Quest (the massive statue in front of the Standard Insurance building on Southwest 5th Avenue) is a monument to sexual harassment. Nicknamed "Three Groins in a Fountain," the statue shows a naked man on a quest not for truth or beauty but for the breast of his companion.   WESTSIDE SNOBBERY 82nd Avenue is an eclectic strip of Americana lined with endless used-car lots, shotgun superstores and pho-noodle restaurants. It's also the line most westsiders draw between trendy and trashy. Yeah, yeah, we've seen the rusting Camaros up on cinder blocks, but east county is closer to the real Oregon than many Portlanders care to admit. ANNE REESERNOTE TO PORTLAND CABBIES If people are standing on the sidewalk waving at you, it isn't because they're extroverted. They've got cash. They need a ride. Stop. THE PORTLAND BUILDING AND THE NEW FEDERAL JUSTICE CENTER Proof that K-mart has an architectural department, comedian Slade says. THE SPINANES MOVED AWAY WEIRD BEER PRIORITIES People in Portland would rather drink one $5 beer than five $1 beers. SINGLE MEN Many a single gal will tell you the eligible bachelor pool is limited to: malodorous musicians whose only source of income is the plasma in their veins; cigar-smoking, over-coiffed, over-cologned "Everything I know I learned from Wieden & Kennedy" bastards; Guatemalan-inspired, goateed, Castaneda-reading, wimpy massage therapists with too much therapy under their belt and no room for anything else. BRICK SIDEWALKS No wonder everyone wears hiking boots. If you've ever snapped a stiletto heel in the cracks, you know what we're talking about. THE INSIDIOUS SPREAD OF VIDEO-POKER MACHINES Sure, we expect them at the Triple Nickel, but at the Avalon? This chichi restaurant on the banks of the Willamette has five machines tucked in a hall next to the genteel members-only cigar club. The more than $17,000 a year the clanging machines bring in may have helped to buy individual humidifiers for the members, but what's next? Darts at Zefiro? NO, YOU GO It's hard to say which confounds Portland drivers more--a four-way stop or an unmarked intersection. But possibly the best example of how our politeness can cripple us can be seen regularly at Northwest 25th and Lovejoy Street. Drivers approach, then stop. They look to the right and left. They notice other cars in the intersection, then creep forward only to stop when they notice movement from another car. "After you." "No, please, after you." In the meantime, the rush-hour traffic is backing up down the block. RIP CITY? Finally, how did an obscure basketball reference become Portland's moniker? The Blazers haven't been champions since Jimmy Carter was president, and half the players need probation officers. The other nicknames are no better: Stumptown--now that's a civic-pride builder. Puddletown--descriptive and accurate but, again, nothing to print on official stationery. Rose City--suppose Rhododendron City is too long. Bridgetown--now that has a nice ring, but no one seems to be picking it up. ELLIOTT SMITH HARDLY LIVES HERE ANYMORE   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Willamette Week | originally published January 27, 1999