|
editor
Byron
Beck
art
director
Anne
Reeser
copy
editors
Matt
Buckingham,
Ian Gillingham,
Becky
Ohlsen,
Melissa
Messina,
Jennifer
Sargent
|
contributors
Liz
Brown
Caryn
B. Brooks
Zach
Dundas
Jenny
Egan
John
Graham
Ken
Hoyt
Alley
Hector
Scott
D. Lewis
Brian
Libby
L.S.
Loving
Michaela
Lowthian
Christina
Melander
Steffen
Silvis
David
Walker
Susan
Wickstrom
|
Welcome to summer,
that special time of year when you watch the weather change
from bad to sorta OK to oppressively hot, and if you're
not careful any chance whatsoever for seasonal fun will
slip through your sweaty palms.
Well, friends...don't
freak out.
Lean back.
Take a deep breath.
Hell, take your shoes off if you like.
Now that you're comfortable (and in honor of the season),
we ask that you finish this sentence:
It ain't
summer until you...
a) run through
a sprinkler.
b) eat a grilled
hot dog.
c) burn your
butt at a nude beach.
d) all of the
above.
If you answered
"d) all of the above," we suggest you head straight
to the beach.
For the rest
of you who struggled to choose the right answer, Willamette
Week has come up with the perfect summertime cheat
sheet:
The annual
Summer Guide.
It's full of
sunny prospects for your eyes, ears, nostrils and taste
buds.
So quit stressing.
It's summer!
But remember,
it ain't really summer until you make it so.
Index
|
pig
out/chill out
Get
Fishy
You're the Host with the Most
Simplify, Simplify
Roast a Weenie
show
some skin
Become
a Trashion Collector
Bare it in a Bikini
Find Your Aloha
Get Trunked!
Oil it Up
become a culture vulture
Judy Gets Her Turn
to Punch
Relive
Summer Camp Flicks
Steam up the Minivan Windows
Turn you Living Room into a Cinema
Take a PIP Trip
Expose Yourself
Read by Sunlight
Befriend the Glossy Pages
Surfin' the Sites
|
act
like a tourist
Get
a Buck for your Buck
Meet your Friendly Neighborhood Sculptures
Get your Fair Share
Eat Cotton Candy Until you Puke
get
moving
Take
a Nice Spin in the Country
Get your Ass Hiking
Become Chairman of the Board
Fall Prey to Hoop Dreams
Hit 'Play' and 'Record'
Deck Yourself Out
get
out
Root,
Root, Rootfor the Home Team
Stay "Not Out"
Get Johnny and Janey Muscled Up!
Push the Edge of the Envelope
Love that Dirty Water
Take Speed
Get Campy
Sweat for a Good Cause
|
pig
out/chill out
Get
Fishy
Spend a short evening with seafood evangelist Gary Puetz
and you'll walk away with at least 10 new facts about
fruits de mer in your back pocket. And at least 10
new jokes, too. Puetz works as a consultant for the 28
McCormick & Schmick restaurants. He travels the world
as a seafood guru offering advice on how to make the most
of our floppy friends. During the holiday season the bountifully
bellied and whiskered Puetz dresses up as "Salmon Claus"
for McCormick & Schmick and scares little children.
A posse of fish fans recently gathered at the home Puetz
shares with his equally wisecracking wife, Carol, in the
cultural watershed of Washougal, Wash., to get some tips
on cooking up oceanic edibles for the summer. And of course,
someone had to eat the stuff once we cooked it, so the
crew dutifully obliged. Straight from the sea bass' mouth,
here are 10 tips to make your summer stab at making vittles
more effective. Also, if you have any specific questions
for Gary, e-mail him at sfs@teleport.com and if he's in
town he'll try to answer it for you.
1) Don't fall for carpetbagging salmon.
You'll hear lots of praise for the exalted Copper River
salmon from Alaska that can fetch more than $12 a pound
on the Portland fish market, but Gary says don't believe
the hype. Our king salmon, caught locally, inspired Rudyard
Kipling to call it the pride of the Northwest. If it's
good enough for Kip, it's good enough for you.
2) Vermouth kills the smell.
There's no reason for your house to smell like the breath
of a sailor on leave at the Rose Fest just because you're
cooking up fish. "Droplets of oil hit the air when you
cook fish, and it sticks on everything," Gary says. Make
sure you marinate all the fish you cook in some form of
white vermouth. You don't need the fancy stuff; Gallo
will do. Lo and behold, the hooch absorbs the oil. Pretty
sneaky!
3) Wood is good.
You'd be a fool not to cook up some salmon on wood planks,
but only the untreated stuff. A raw, natural board, preferably
cedar, will lend an even cooking surface (great for preventing
your fish from getting stuck to the grill on a barbecue)
and an earthy flavor. Make sure you don't use wood that's
been treated chemically, or else, as Gary puts it, "You'll
be eating a Hanford special."
4) Closed shells do not equal dead mollusks.
Gary calls this one an "Old Husband's Tale": Most people
think that if you go to open a mussel and the shell won't
budge, it's because the little bugger inside is dead.
Au contraire, he says. When an oyster or mussel
leaves this earth, the shell actually opens. In a cooked
pile of such mollusks, a closed door usually means the
shell is either empty or has been slammed shut by the
weight of the other shells while cooking. When shopping
for clams and mussels, tap the shells; if the shell doesn't
close, it means the occupant is deceased. If you find
more than a few of those in a batch, find yourself another
store. Which leads us to....
5) Fish stores should never smell like fish.
Fish stores should smell clean and fresh, like the ocean
itself. If the place is stinkeroony, it means there are
some old, nasty, decaying fish around. And you don't like
old, nasty, decaying fish, do you?
6) Big supermarkets are not necessarily bad places to
buy fish.
Gary gives high marks to many large supermarkets in the
area, specifically QFC and Fred Meyer, for a commitment
to providing quality, fresh seafood. Also on his list
is Pacific Sea Food (3380 SE Powell Blvd., 233-4894),
which offers both wholesale and retail sales.
7) Give your grill a hand.
When you're cooking fish on the grill, you're going to
want to know how hot it is. Gary has created this easy,
no-fail, G. Gordon Liddy-esque way to determine where
your grill is at: Put your hand close to the grill and
count off seconds before you have to pull your hand away.
A single second means very hot, two seconds means hot
and three to five seconds means medium. Now don't go cooking
your hand, OK?
8) Limes are better than lemons.
Gary holds up a lime and a lemon in each hand. A lemon
costs twice as much as a lime and has half the juice.
"You do the math," he says. He also likes the fresh zing
the green fruit gives to food.
9) Raw fish will most likely not kill you.
We're talking non-shellfish here. If you like barely
cooking your salmon, Gary says, "You have a better chance
of winning the New York lottery twice on the same day
and getting hit by lightning than dying from eating
raw fish." So make it pink in the middle for a cool summer
treat.
10) Don't put red sauce on shrimp.
Gary likens this to Playboy magazine serving up
its centerfolds in wet suits. Don't overpower your shrimp--let
it shine!
(CBB)
you're
the host with the most
Plan
an Elitist Shindig
Oregonians are so terribly practical. It's no wonder
outdoor entertaining is so popular in our perpetually
soggy state. What other place in the world affords the
opportunity to use the words "cleanup" and "powerwash"
in the same sentence?
And while summer entertaining is generally more casual
than wintry social soirees, it wouldn't do to go too lowbrow.
If the term that best describes your last backyard shindig
is "roughing it," rescue your next bunch of guests with
this guide.
Thankfully, it doesn't take much effort to bump up the
level of sophistication that reigns at most fair-weather
parties (read: beans, franks and paper napkins). With
outdoor gatherings, most of the essential pleasantries
are already in place (unless, of course, your last landscaping
effort ended with a fresh load of bark dust). Flowers
on the table are blessedly redundant if your garden is
in bloom. And the wise host or hostess knows that outdoor
lighting can be accomplished with citronella candles:
They will lend a subtle glow to the sunburnt faces of
your guests and repel uninvited winged guests.
Below, we present several important tips for the three
levels of outdoor party refinement.
Level 1: Beginner's warm-up
* Replace the paper napkins with freshly pressed cotton
ones.
* Use proper china and flatware.
* Use glassware and stemware (unless you are near a pool
or hot tub, when acrylic is safer).
* Avoid barbecuing unless you are very good at it.
* Create a soundtrack for your entire event.
Level 2: Now We're Cooking!
* Create a bar area with plenty of chilled beverages
and lots of ice.
* Create a grazing area with appetizers (provide a heaping
bowl of Kettle Chips--everyone's guilty secret).
* Make a cool transition into dinner service by adding
entrees and salads to the food area.
* If you must serve prefab food, like potato salad, add
freshly chopped mild onion and stir in some high-grade
mustard, and serve it on your own serving plates.
Level 3: High Times
* Hire some additional help, especially if you have 20
guests or more.
* Rent some chairs and tables, and have them delivered.
(It's more affordable than you might think.)
* Pull in some caterers to prepare something delicious.
* Purchase a few new plants in full bloom to tuck into
weak areas in the garden.
* Send invitations and specify "Summer Chic" in the apparel
corner.
(KH)
Picnic:
Simplify,
simplify
The Portland Parks and Recreation Program offers a course
in remedial picnicking. Some people's idea of an al fresco
treat is grabbing a chalupa and a Diet Coke on the run.
Don't let this happen to you. Learn how to prepare picnic
grub that's delicious, elegant and doesn't come wrapped
in paper--foccaccia sandwiches, salads and other packable
food.
Southeast Center, 2850 SE 82nd Ave., 788-6260. 9 am-noon,
Saturday, July 8. $19.
Three spots to park your picnic:
Parks Pluses: trees, grass, frolicking children;
Minuses: dog poop, bugs, frolicking children. Columbia
Park, North Lombard and Woolsey streets--includes ballfield,
tennis, horseshoes, volleyball, playground and pool.
Cemeteries A little tacky, but these final resting
spots guarantee wide-open, flat surfaces and so much peace
and quiet it's almost spooky. Skyline Memorial Gardens,
4101 NW Skyline Blvd.
Woods Picnics in the woods require planning; remember
to bring plates, silverware, food (D'oh!) and something
soft to sit on. Hoyt Arboretum, 4000 SW Fairview St
(SW)
Roast
A Weenie
Cooking over an open flame requires the perfect balance
of culinary science and artistry. Being a good barbecue
chef is not hard--but being a terrible one is even easier.
Any fool with a hibachi, a bag of briquettes and a pair
of steel tongs can cook on a grill, but it takes a real
master to make barbecue so tasty even an old shoe has
you licking your chops. Follow these simple suggestions
and you should be grilling with the best of them.
Getting Soaked
The first step is marinating the meat. This does not
mean leaving it in a tray full of BBQ sauce, because all
that will do is make the meat stick to the grill, and
then someone will have to scrape all that muck off later.
What you want to do is marinate your meat (raw or partially
cooked) in a thin sauce. The sauce can be as basic as
Worcestershire or something more creative. I suggest using
Worcestershire sauce as a base and then adding a variety
of favorite spices. Cajun Ken's spice mix is a
personal favorite, along with garlic and a touch of hot
sauce to add a little kick. Leave the meat long enough
for the flavor of your marinade to seep in--at least several
hours or as long as a whole day.
Getting Burned
Burning the hell out of the meat while leaving the inside
an undercooked breeding ground for salmonella is the most
common grilling problem--especially with ribs and chicken.
This happens because the heat from the grill is too high,
but the problem can be solved by boiling the meat for
approximately 10 minutes beforehand. You should also remove
the skin from the chicken--it's nothing but fat anyway
and always winds up sticking to the grill. Keep a water-filled
spray bottle handy to spritz the meat--the extra moisture
keeps it from burning.
Getting Sauced
Finally we come to the sauce. The sauce is everything.
With a good sauce you can cook elephant dung and make
it taste good. Though the sauce is the most important
element in successful barbecue cooking, you should never
brush the sauce on the meat until just before you take
the meat off the grill. (The only exception to this rule
is hamburgers: Add the sauce to the raw meat before
you make the patties.) A good barbecue sauce should be
used like any other condiment--to enhance the food, not
smother it.
Making a really good sauce from scratch can take days
if you don't know what you're doing. To keep things simple,
buy a basic bottle of barbecue sauce from the store, then
add a variety of spices to give your sauce a special taste.
Garlic, onion powder, black pepper and some type of hot
sauce (preferably hot chili paste) are all you will really
need. Blend everything together to ensure an even mix
of flavors.
(DW)
show
some skin
Become
a Trashion Collector
What do you get when you mix trash and fashion?
"Trashion," of course.
Summer's the perfect time to bust out the plastic clothes
along with the plastic furniture and all those rarely-found-in-nature
fabrics and slap-happy colors that make you sweat.
For a fashion quickie that you won't run from in the
morning, go directly to Ross Dress for Less. Sure,
the downtown store (it replaced an old-school Newberry's)
is a symptom of a sick culture: National soul-sucking
chain hawks cut-rate merchandise made for pennies in some
godforsaken overseas factory (cheap Tommy, cheap
Roxy, and, one wonderful day, a bright blue Isaac
Mizrahi raincoat with white buttons for about 12 bucks),
replaces good old five-and-dime that sold everything from
pillowcases to parakeets, leaving the oldsters with nowhere
to go to have a genuine cup of coffee, buy a postcard
or get a key made. Sigh. But, until we all move to France,
we are stuck with our own particular air-conditioned nightmares
(a.k.a. linoleum-floored, zip-locked zones), so you might
as well try to find a pair of short and wide, bright
orange MUDD jeans for $15 to make the bitter pill
go down easier. Some of the same straight-off-the-back-of-the-truck
stuff that you might find at T.J. Maxx in Bevo
is here, too. If you have a car and can stand it, Old
Navy and the newly hip Target (check out the
groovy print and television ad campaigns) are also great
places to spend your Monopoly money. For summer feet,
a pair of very, very bad sandals from the Shoe Pavilion
along the MAX tracks on Morrison Street downtown will
cut a striking path.
(ML)
Dive
in Feet First
Trade in your clunky boots and lug-soled shoes for cheapo
plastic sandals. Flip-flops have been multiplying exponentially
over the last couple of years. They've gone from utilitarian
thongs purchased for a couple of bucks at the five-and-dime
to fashionista footwear. (Case in point: Hugh Grant's
art-snob character tops off his dapper look with a black
pair in Small Time Crooks.) But who wants to spend
more than 10 bucks for plastic shoes to slop around in
between the back patio barbecue and the beach just because
they have a pretty pattern or designer logo? Head to Target
for a good old-fashioned plain pair of flip-flops for
less than $5, then embellish them yourself with notions
from craft stores. Patterned ribbon can be rubber-cemented
around the sides of the sole. Wrap gingham ribbon around
the straps and secure with rubber cement, then glue on
a pretty satin flower if you're dainty like that. Make
a statement with labelmaker tape and wrap it around the
sides, or glue on a bird in flight where the straps meet.
Beads, tiny pompoms, mini baby dolls, plastic grapes and
fake flowers are just a few of the myriad options. For
something a bit slicker, step into a pair of black plastic
Okabashi sandals (around $8 at Walgreens). They match
anything, they look cool on guys and girls and they massage
your feet as you walk (that's reflexology, baby)
(LB)
Bare
it in a Bikini
Not all of us want to bare 90 percent of our bodies in
bikinis this summer. But for those who do, the crocheted
numbers on the racks this year are dynamite. There's just
something earthy, sexy and oh-so-Bo Derek about them.
Besides, with Portland's fickle weather, it makes sense
to opt for the crocheted variety's extra warmth over the
thin nylon in that tiny suit (even if the rest of your
body is covered in goose bumps). Urban Outfitters has
an adorable version available in black, pink or light
blue with ties at the hips ($28 each for tops and bottoms).
The pieces are well-lined and sold separately, which makes
it easier to find the right fit. After all, few of us
have Bo Derek proportions. Don't forget to lube up with
Hawaiian Tropic before parking your ass in the sand.
(LB)
Find
Your Aloha
Time was, there were few party moves more slyly cool
and evocative than donning a Hawaiian shirt, a slightly
ironic symbol of hedonism that could turn Belushian at
any moment.
Few were better at pulling this gambit than my little
brother, Chad. When you saw Chad trade his usual Tony
Soprano-esque gear for a Hawaiian shirt, you knew it was
time to batten down the hatches. But this year, he has
sobering words for old-guard Hawaiian-shirt partisans.
"The Hawaiian shirt is going to break big this summer,"
Chad says. "Real big on the frat-boy scene. Even
if a dude has a trust fund and a business degree, he's
gonna feel like he's having a wild, crazy good time in
a Hawaiian shirt. He's gonna wear a baseball cap with
'em, gonna tuck 'em into his khakis.
"A lot of the Hawaiian shirts I've seen around already
this year are those off-the-rack things from Pacific Sunwear.
Those aren't cool."
Whither the warm-weather party outfit? Sure, you could
shell out between $25 and $45 for said PacSun numbers
at the chain's Lloyd Center outpost. But why should you,
when the veritable smart bomb of summer wear can be found
just down the mall at Sears?
I'm talking about the David Taylor short-sleeve button-up
shirt, available in either Oxford or plain broadcloth
versions for between $14 and $16. These classy togs lend
an air of casual grace to normally clunky, functional
dog-days gear. Though they're filed under menswear, they
really could go either way. Available in a small selection
of light colors, David Taylors say all the right things.
They say, "Cocktails on the patio." They say, "Bocce,
anyone?" They say, "See you in the hammock."
More to the point, in re: Hawaiian shirts (so lately
the subject of men's mag fashion spreads and news reports
of creator Ellery Chun's death), remember the wisdom of
the Chad. "Once the stunods discover something," he says,
"it's time to move on."
The Red Light Clothing Exchange is home to cool shirts
with a Hawaiian theme priced at $12-$25. Or go for broke
with a vintage rayon Ron Sutherland shirt and shorts combo,
$400.
3590 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 963-8888 (hat extra).
(ZD)
Get
Trunked!
Like women, men have had a strangely twisted relationship
with their swimwear.
Conforming to the norms of the time, beach boys of the
19th century wore heavy, two-piece knitted suits that,
once wet, made it nearly impossible to move. The 1920s
brought about the all-in-one suit that closely resembles
today's cycling gear. In 1935 Jockey introduced a radical
departure with the bathing trunk. But it wasn't until
the 1960s that the most revealing and dramatic suit made
its splash. The "Speedo" has become so famous that it's
practically synonymous with all body- (and booty-) baring
swimwear.
Versace swimwear (as shown above) is available at
Saks Fifth Avenue, 850 SW 5th Ave., 226-3200, www.saksfifthavenue.com.
Open daily.
(BB)
Oil
It Up
Nothing conjures up summers gone by like the intoxicating,
exotic aroma of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil.
Unscrew the cap and wave the gorgeous bottle under your
nose. Rich coconut vapors waft upward through your nasal
cavity and into your brain, unlocking memories of junior
high, yellow bikinis, dark tans and lazy afternoons on
the beach or poolside. Dump the warm oil potion into your
palm, then coat every inch of exposed skin. Put on some
shades, lie back on a blanket, envision exotic islands
and worship the sun. Of course, the slippery stuff doesn't
offer any protection against harmful rays, so a coating
of sunblock underneath might be a good idea. Still, there's
a certain hedonistic pleasure to the notion of soaking
up rays without caring, even if you're just pretending.
And don't hesitate to wear it after dark, either--this
stuff is more powerful than pheromones. The iconic Coppertone,
too, has a distinct and lovable smell that recalls carefree
childhood summers, with sun protection to boot. It's the
more practical yet equally beloved little brother to Hawaiian
Tropic.
(LB)
BECOME
A CULTURE VULTURE
It's like mack daddy Mike Damone said to lonesome loser
Mark Ratner in Fast Times at Ridgemont High: "I
can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer.
You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought
40 dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked
to her. You don't even own a camera."
Don't let this happen to you. There's no reason for you
to make the same bozo mistakes over and over again when
it comes to summer lovin'. Simply find the sure-fire ways
to seduce the ones you want using our handy guide to the
summer season's cultural offerings. He or she will melt
when you boldly stick out your arm and offer to escort
the person of your dreams to a day of backyard theater
or an evening of watching summer camp flicks. Original,
dashing, and sure to bring you the honey. (CBB)
Judy
Gets Her Turn To Punch
By Steffen SilvisNumerous theater careers have been forged
in the summer backyards of childhood, and many such adolescent
pursuits linger on in memory, if not on local stages.
But for the budding child thespian, there are few proper
guides on creating your very own neighborhood summer stock,
and so I will offer you this brief treatise.
TO THE YOUNG PRODUCER/ DIRECTOR:
Although you will
spend much of your adult career wandering the streets,
considering dank garages and basements as possible venues
to stage your life's work (a female version of The
Odd Couple), stages are very easy to come by at home.
Front porches or back decks are perfect playing areas,
as are the tops of picnic tables and neighbors' cars (ideal
for musicals). Casting will always be a challenge for
you, though as a child you will be less shocked by exhibitions
of tears and tantrums from your actors. You will also
be less concerned with the ethics of employing blackmail
to achieve your goals. When actors are uncooperative,
remind them that their parents might be interested to
learn what they did in the basement last winter. Resist
casting dogs, and never humiliate animals with infant-wear.
WHAT TO PERFORM:
Chances are great that your parents have little time
for you, and so have given you to the television. Though
television should only be used if one is hospitalized
in an iron lung or winding up life at the Tarantula Arms,
it does offer the young writer plot ideas and archetypal
characters. Your backyard attempts to stage Seinfeld
are bound to fail, but success is almost assured with
Charlie's Angels and NYPD Blue. Reserve
E.R. for when you're home alone with special playmates.
Christian television is also worth exploring if you've
an interest in circuses or freakshows. Never reenact commercials.
That's your parents' job.
Literature is a fount of material for your juvenile adaptations,
though caution is advised. In Cold Blood and Tropic
of Cancer have potential, but one can become too slavish
to "the word." Avoid reimagining the Joads' trip to California,
and remember, there will be plenty of time later for The
Well of Loneliness.
PUPPET THEATER:
Puppets are often less wooden then their mortal counterparts
and therefore make better actors. An entire cast of characters
can be built to order using the simplest items. For the
bodies, your father's best socks will do quite nicely,
while puppet heads are crying out to be saved from the
tops of your sister's dolls and your parents' lawn gnomes.
Heads that do not easily snap off can be sawed free with
a sharp butcher's knife. If your tastes are more refined,
heads carefully cracked off Hummel figurines make striking,
Old World creations.
CURTAIN:
Your puppet play of X Files or
American Psycho is now complete. The quilts sewn
by your arthritic grandmother make a fetching drop curtain,
and your parents' dining room chairs from Levitz line
the lawn. You are now a theater artist, and you have only
one thing left to fear: the critic.
Relive
Summer Camp Flicks
As the temperature rises and the school gates are lifted,
something new happens to people under the age of 18. Everything
moves with a different force of gravity. Things that had
special meaning during the school year take on an even
greater significance. Once the brakes are pulled on the
youngster's normal schooladay life, and the cooties of
wasting away in a classroom are brushed off, kids are
free to feel what it is to be themselves.
Nowhere is this more pronounced than at summer camp.
Thrown into a communal living situation with a handful
of other sub-adults recently expunged from their parents'
homes, the un-grown-ups are left to fend for themselves
without the sinister influence of their usual overseers.
Much can happen. This is why I love camp movies. Oh, I
could go into some long spiel about how summer camp is
really just a microcosm of the world at large, with the
counselors representing the government and the fellow
campers different countries, but that would just be bullshit.
Camp movies are great--if done well, they capture the
fun, frolic, terror and potency of smooshing a lifetime
into eight weeks. The following is a selection of the
best of the genre. It is highly recommended that you view
these gems during the sunshiny months.
Bless the Beasts and Children
You know you're going to have to whip out your hankie
as soon as this 1971 film starts off with the post-mortem
cry of Karen Carpenter singing the Oscar-nominated title
song. Unlike many camp films, where fun and games rule
the roost, BBC is a heart-pummeling tale about
young geeks banding together to fight the powers that
be at a camp and in the world at large. These archetypical
misfits are sent off by their various corrupt Raymond
Carver-esque parents to a mucho macho camp called Box
Canyon that is supposed to turn kiddies into cowboys.
Much groovy hippie-era '70s fashion turns heads in this
film as the young screw-ups decide to make men of themselves
on their own terms. From the funny, fat Jewish kid to
the 14-year-old bedwetter and the brothers who try to
claw each other's eyes out, it's a freakfest of the best
kind. After being throttled by the other alpha boys at
camp, our lovable losers are shunned. Their punishment,
besides being literally pissed upon, is to be left behind
on a camp trip to the Grand Canyon. The boys' callous,
gun-toting counselor takes them to see honest-to-goodness
live buffalo, but only at a shooting range where hunters
get to bag a bunch of second-rate bison that need to be
thinned out of the local herd. Our sensitive young heroes
are repulsed by the massacre and leave camp that night
with a mission to free the persecuted beasts. Promise
and tragedy combine (cue Karen Carpenter) and we
are left to committing ourselves, if temporarily, to a
world of veganism.
Meatballs
Hands down, Meatballs is the king of this category.
A 1979 Ivan Reitman film, it stars a young Bill Murray
as Tripper, the camp clown and activities director at
dumpy North Star. See Tripper pull pranks such as hitching
the camp director's bed to a tree while he's sleeping!
See Tripper seduce the chicks with his bratty irreverence!
See Tripper boost the self-esteem of a lonely, ostracized
boy! See Tripper inspire the campers when they're getting
creamed during a sports war against the rich-kid camp
across the lake with the mantra, "It just doesn't matter,
it just doesn't matter!" While at times this flick
smears on a little too much schmaltz--in this genre it's
pretty hard to avoid--the fine display of '70s OP fashions
and the all-absorbing Murray as the unspent, coltish version
of Rushmore's wilted Herman Blume is worth it all.
Ah, the awakening of quiet hearts, the fireside ghost
stories, the giving of noogies, the dramatic hot-dog-eating
contest. Sweet dreams are made of this.
Little Darlings
Kristy McNichol (baby dyke of the millennium!) plays
a tuffy from the wrong side of the tracks, aptly named
Angel Bright, who's sent off to camp for a little self-improvement.
Tatum O'Neal plays Ferris Whitney, a rich "daddy's girl"
(hardly a stretch) shipped off to forget that her mother
has run out on the family. Add trouble in the form of
teen seductress Cinder to the mix and what you have is
a camp-wide competition to see who can lose her virginity
first. Angel stalks a young, dewy Randy (Matt Dillon)
from the boys' camp across the lake; with their his-n-her
flipped hair, wifebeater shirts and Marlboros, they're
a sight to behold as they sneak to the boathouse at night.
Ferris goes Lolita on the camp coach Gary Callahan, played
by none other than (then-hottie) Armand Assante. The bunkmates
froth over with displaced sexuality (check out the food
fight scene!) as our two virginettes vie for the prize.
And of course, as in all camp films, there's a lesson
to be learned: Silly rabbits--sex is for grown-ups!
( CBB)
Steam
Up the Minivan Windows
Video may have killed the radio star, but home video
kicked the ass of the drive-in movie theater. Those of
you old enough to remember theatergoing before the Reagan
administration undoubtedly recall those dusk-to-dawn cinematic
marathons. When I was a kid, there was nothing like watching
a double feature of Gus, the Miracle Mule and Hawps
while reclining on the roof of the family truckster. The
drive-in, though not completely extinct, is now about
as rare as a Sasquatch. Luckily, Oregonians have a dozen
auto-friendly theaters statewide to choose from. The closest
to Portland is the Ninety-Nine West in Newberg (check
out www.driveintheatre.com for more information on statewide
theaters). For more on drive-in theaters nationwide, go
to www.driveinmovie.com.
(DW)
Turn
Your Living Room into a Cinema
Much as we covet sunshine during the rainy Oregon spring,
soon the heat will send many of us fleeing for an air
conditioner and a VCR. For seekers of bold summertime
movie choices, the options abound. The first stop ought
to be Tennessee Williams, the master of Southern sun-soaked
melodrama. With Tom and Nicole reviving Cat on a Hot
Tin Roof onstage (will they or won't they?), why not
revisit Paul and Liz? Have a mint julep and start a debate
over which one is better looking. And speaking of on-screen
lovers, it's not summer without Frankie and Annette. But
instead of the obvious Beach Blanket Bingo, try
the sublimely bad How to Stuff a Wild Bikini. It's
got witch doctors, skimpy leopard-print swimsuits and
some extraordinary overacting by Mickey Rooney. Need we
say more?
After so much kitsch, you'll need the cleansing pain
of Scandinavian auteur Ingmar Bergman. In his early classic
Summer Interlude, Bergman beautifully evokes the
sorrow of lost love through a young ballerina's memories.
But as Cornel Wilde will tell you, lost love is cake compared
to being hunted like an animal. In The Naked Prey,
Wilde gets 60 seconds to hot-foot it buck-naked into the
African jungle before angry tribesmen track his ass down.
That'll teach him to poach elephants! And speaking of
jungles, nothing captures the corrosive intensity of summer
in the city like Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing.
Most of Spike's films are heavy-handed, beautiful failures,
but after this torrid Brooklyn tale you'll never look
at race, hip-hop or pizza joints the same way again. And
of course it wouldn't be summer without a good orgy of
booze, babes, buds and brawls. Try Richard Linklater's
Dazed and Confused, a circa-'70s tale of Texas
teen mayhem that effortlessly walks the line between satire
and celebration.
For a surreal double treat nothing beats Doris Day's
The Pajama Game paired with Fellini's Satyricon.
Follow this recipe precisely, oh fearless video vultures,
and you'll have friends and family fawning at your feet
as the sultan of summer cinema.
(BL)
Take
a PIP Trip
Though other cities become theater destinations in the
summer, things always seem to die down in Portland. There
are the annual Shakespeare in the Park outings and the
usual smattering of sketches, but most of the city's stages
lie dormant until fall. However, there is one intense
flare-up of theater for one month each summer when the
Portland International Performance Festival lights up
the city. Though it has continually had to struggle against
budget crises and the general cultural ennui of The
Oregonian's theater page, PIPFest has consistently
provided Portland with some of the finest theatrical troupes
and performers to be found working in the world today,
and this year's schedule will be no exception.
In what will be the festival's latest themed season,
PIPFest has gathered together three London-based artists
to present their takes on the Bard. The Three Shakes start
off with famed actor and playwright Steven Berkoff (Greek,
Kvetch), who will present his new piece, Shakespeare's
Villains. Subtitled A Master Class in Evil,
Berkoff takes the audience on an audacious tour of villainy.
Berkoff, one of Britain's greatest actors, will don the
rank hides of Iago, Richard III and both of the Macbeths.
Kerry Shale, a Blighty-based Canadian actor, will perform
his own adaptation of Alan Isler's novel The Prince
of West End Avenue, a tale about an 83-year-old resident
of a retirement home who wryly re-enacts memories of the
home's production of Hamlet. The chaos that ensues
has all the comedy and pathos of Waiting for Guffman.
The series ends with a bang as master comic and monologist
Ken Campbell returns to PIPFest's stage. Campbell, last
here in 1997, is truly one of the great clown geniuses
of our age. His last visit had audiences literally rolling
in the aisles, and his current project promises to do
the same. In Pidgin Macbeth and Theatre Stories,
Campbell tells of his attempts to translate the Scottish
play into Pidgin English, a project inspired by his discovery
of the language in the South Pacific.
The Portland International Performance Festival, various
venues, 725-3307. June 22-July 28. $14-$35. Call for performance
times and for a schedule of related PIPFest events.
(SS)
Expose
Yourself
Although everything else seems to be changing at Oregon
Ballet Theatre (new advertising agency, new space, new
attitude), one thing is staying the same: OBT Exposed--when
ballet leaves the studio for the wide-open spaces of the
South Park Blocks.
Always the place to see rehearsals and previews of upcoming
performances, this outdoor event has also become a good
way to notice up-and-coming members of the OBT's School
of Ballet.
This free behind-the-scenes look at the rarefied world
of dance gives us a peek into the inner workings of one
of Oregon's most notable performing companies.
South Park Blocks, between Main and Salmon streets,
227-0977. 11 am-4 pm Aug. 21-Sept. 3. Free
(BB)
Read
by Sunlight
This year's crop of summer books offers all kinds of
guilty pleasures, from a story about a teenage truckstop
whore-wannabe to a collection of closing arguments from
famous trials--suitable for reading aloud in front of
the mirror. Forget those dry textbooks, computer manuals
and financial reports. Read something juicy.
White Teeth by Zadie Smith (Random House, 480
pages, $26) Smith's excellent novel about two London
families is enjoying a deafening buzz around the country.
Critics applaud her immense plot, quirky multiethnic characters
and hilarious, endearing style. Get on board--this is
the book everyone else will be reading.
Sarah by J.T. Leroy (Bloomsbury, 160 pages,
$19.95) Sarah is a "lot lizard" truckstop whore who
abandons her 12-year-old son in a West Virginia parking
lot. The boy renames himself after his mother and sets
out to become a whore himself, despite that awkward appendage
called a penis. The author is a 20-year-old San Francisco
Tenderloin resident who has a surprisingly capable grasp
of the language.
Crazy by Benjamin Lebert (Knopf, 178 pages,
$18.95) This 18-year-old German teenager chronicles
his 16th year in this sweet and nasty coming-of-age memoir.
Benni is stuck in a remedial boarding school because he's
been kicked out of four others already. By day, he struggles
to finish ninth grade; by night, he and his buddies delve
into sex, booze and other mysteries of life.
White Oleander by Janet Fitch (Back Bay Books,
400 pages) Mother-daughter relationships are juicy
fiction fodder, and Fitch squeezes the life out of one
in her bestselling debut adult novel. Ingrid is a tortured
poet imprisoned for murder. Her daughter, Astrid, is set
adrift into a sea of Los Angeles foster homes. This popular
novel is now available in paperback.
Music for Torching by A.M. Homes (HarperPerennial,
368 pages) If summer in suburbia is bringing you down,
this novel will help you realize that things could be
worse. This over-the-top story offers a comic look at
a dying middle-class marriage.
The Many Aspects of Mobile Home Living by Martin
Clark (Knopf, 352 pages, $24) Sex, drugs and a murder
trial all figure in this novel about a North Carolina
judge who becomes embroiled in a network of hilarious
white-trash yahoos.
The Human Stain by Philip Roth (Houghton Mifflin,
361 pages) The fate of a 71-year-old college professor
who takes up with a much younger immigrant janitor becomes
everyone's business in this scandalous tale told by the
venerable, if long-winded, Roth. The title alone may be
the best of the summer.
In the Fall by Jeffery Lent (Atlantic Monthly
Press, 560 pages, $25) This epic novel sweeps through
history, beginning at the end of the Civil War when a
Union soldier falls in love with a runaway slave. The
story follows their family through the turn of the century
and examines the social pressures of a mixed marriage.
Demolition Angel by Robert Crais (Doubleday,
384 pages, $24.95) Summer movies don't have exclusive
rights to blowing things up. L.A. thriller writer Crais
takes a break from his popular Elvis Cole mysteries to
introduce Carol Starkey, a shellshocked former member
of the LAPD's bomb squad who is called back to duty to
find a serial bomber.
The Social Lives of Dogs by Elizabeth Marshall
Thomas (Simon & Schuster, 256 pages, $24) Animal
sociologist Thomas reveals why Rover sniffs Lady's butt
in her latest examination of canine behavior. Dog people
read these pup-psychology books as hungrily as new parents
suck up Dr. Spock.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury: Greatest Closing
Arguments in Modern Law edited by Michael S. Lief,
H. Mitchell Caldwell and Ben Bycel (Touchstone Books,
400 pages, $15) Whether you were raised on Perry
Mason or L.A. Law, a trial's closing argument
represents the ultimate in dramatic moments. Experience
the real-life thrill of debate with this collection of
closing arguments from the attorneys for Leopold and Loeb,
Charles Manson, John DeLorean and other high-profile cases.
Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland by Gerald
Clarke (Random House, 528 pages, $29.95) Friend of
Judy? It doesn't matter, just don your ruby slippers and
enjoy this fabulous dish of stardust flavored with the
antics of one of America's favorite sweethearts and tragic
figures.
Transformation Soup: Healing for the Splendidly
Imperfect by SARK (Fireside Books, 208 pages, $16)
Still searching for a summer improvement project?
Try yourself. SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) offers
gentle and humorous guidance to people who believe their
lives are hopelessly mucked up.
(SW)
Befriend
the Glossy Pages
Man cannot live by Willamette Week alone.
That's why we have all those glossy, oversized magazines
full of pretty, half-dressed eye candy.
But lately, the ambitions of rags devoted to fashion
and lifestyle have become as naked as the sinewy models
draped across their pages. Instead of getting pretty pictures
and tips on what to buy, these days we get the whole enchilada:
what to buy, where to find it, how to get it, Web sites,
phone numbers, the works.
Heck, many of these mags are merely advertising vehicles
for major vendors out to grab the market share.
That makes them perfect for mindless summer reading.
Nobody feels like tracking down deals in the sultry heat
of summer; instead, check out these mags--they make it
easy for you. (Magazines listed here are available
at Rich's Cigar Store, 820 SW Alder St., 228-1700)
Ikea Space Honey, if we had this store
in Portland, my bank account would be in deep, deep trouble.
But since the nearest Ikea is closer to Seattle, I guess
I'll have to settle for Ikea Space. A cool read full of
helpful hints for summertime enjoyment, it is also full
of stuff--Ikea stuff, of course--to fill your house.
Real Simple Let's just call it what it
is: real stupid. It has barely hit the shelves and already
it's spawned an evil copy cat, Simplicity.
Eshoppermag Perfect for those of us who
can't bother with search engines. Eshoppermag is
a hip read that discovers all the cool shopping Web sites
so you don't have to.
(BB)
Surfin'
the Sites
Linkdup (www.linkdup.com)
Asinine hipster Web lingo aside, summer surfing will
be aided by LinkDup, a stylish, graphically rich way to
find interesting Internet tidbits. This site is still
in its shiny new beta test phase. It highlights many underground
places, including the Tarantino-meets-Kenobi sendup pulpphantom.com,
as well as more popular sites with superb graphics such
as MTV2.com. Web site profiles are categorized for easy
searchability and give a good and succinct overview.
Lovin' the Net
Brunching Shuttlecocks (www.brunching.com)
With an Alanis song generator, C.Y.B.O.R.G. name dispenser,
and numerous satirical articles, this is a humor site
that's latte-out-your-nose funny. Not the same trite parodies,
Brunching Shuttlecock's humor is silly and biting enough
to make the summer-camp badminton team's cut.
Cinematic Smorgasbord
My Movies (www.mymovies.net)
My Movies has the regular dosage of movie reviews, interviews
with celebs, and fun tidbits to whet your summer-blockbuster
palate. But, wait, that's not all. At this flicky site
you can use a database to search for obscure films and
the most up-to-date information about video and DVD releases.
You can also find movie trailers to kill time while you
sweat it out this summer at your desk. Hey, word to the
wise, job-keeper: Just be sure to use the headphones.
(JE, AH)
act
like a tourist
Get
a Buck for Your Buck
sNot every steaming, steel livestock trailer on the road
is heading for the slaughterhouse. Some are actually taking
a brief detour to your favorite rodeo.
The Growney Brothers Rodeo Company of Red Bluff, Calif.,
is the stock contractor of choice for the nation's rodeos,
and America's roads are crammed with their rigs freighting
the horses, bulls, goats and calves needed for our summer
fun.
The rodeo may very well be the quintessential American
sport. Born at the end of the glorious Wild West, the
rodeo honors the work of the cowboy, who risked life and
limb to drive millions of animals to slaughter. These
were men's men who knew how to bring a calf down, burn
flesh with brands, and, if need be, break a horse of its
nature. But unlike whalers, the skills of the cowboy didn't
vanish with the industry that employed him, and so today
we can enjoy pig greasings, bronco bustings and even rougher
stock events as in simpler days.
As with other entertainments that involve animals, the
rodeo has come in for some criticism lately. The stodgy
Eastern politicos of Rhode Island have actually outlawed
rodeos, denying its citizens the pleasure of chasing week-old
calves with ropes; and though it's not banned the sport
outright, Pittsburgh has made it difficult for rodeo organizers
by outlawing the important electric prod and the use of
flank straps (the leather bands that pinch the horses
and bulls to make them buck). But in reality, the Rodeo
Association's rules are very strict when it comes to treatment
of animals. For instance, if a calf-roping athlete should
mortally wound or kill a calf during a performance, he
must forfeit his right to rope for the rest of the day.
Such severity insures the well-being of all event stock.
But Oregon is still rodeo country, and there are plenty
of events that offer the finest examples of man's dominance
over the Earth. Next to the Pendleton Round-Up, the rodeo
of choice is the St. Paul Rodeo. Now in its 65th year--and
with an impressive line-up of sponsors from Bi-Mart to
Pepsi--the St. Paul Rodeo offers it all, from calf scrambles
to chute dogging (where the round-up athletes wrestle
steers by putting them into hammerlocks and forcing them
to their knees). The fun starts with the rodeo's court
coronation dance, where the beautiful new Queen of the
Rodeo is crowned. June 3 sees the annual Pee Wee Rodeo,
where kids from 3 to 13 get a chance to learn the ropes.
Kids learn quick that this ain't no petting zoo, and this
is a perfect opportunity for them to practice on goats
before they teach a calf or colt who's boss. Following
the giant outdoor barbecue on June 30, the real action
begins at the St. Paul Grandstands, ending with a fireworks
display in honor of our nation's independence.
So next time you see a rig packed with animals on the
road, follow it. You may be in for some summer fun.
The 65th Annual St. Paul Rodeo, (800) 237-5920. Call
for schedule and ticket prices.
(SS)
Meet
Your Friendly Neighborhood Sculptures
The new sculpture garden at the Portland Art Museum is
director John Buchanan's latest museum makeover, and damn
if the result isn't just as minty-fresh as could be. What
was once a sunken and unadorned section of the museum
grounds--except for one large iron sculpture that went
gong when you hit it--has undergone a major facelift.
Once the temperature rises and the construction noise
abates, the sculpture garden will make an ideal retreat
on a summer's afternoon. On a recent cool day, a woman
sat reading a book on the patio, and a little girl sat
next to William Lehmbruck's sculpture, Standing Woman,
reading the funny pages. Tell your friend to meet you
by the sculpture called Head of a Figure Called Eloquence.
Evan H. Roberts Memorial Sculpture Mall, Portland
Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave.
Near the tennis courts in Northeast Portland's Grant
Park sits a charming trio of sculptures dedicated to native
children's book author Beverly Cleary. The three figures,
known to readers as Ramona Quimby, Henry Huggins and Ribsy
the dog, are frozen in mid-play. They depict a time when
kids actually had newspaper routes and carried apples
in their jacket pockets. A nearby map shows the characters'
fictional world and the real world places where the stories'
events take place: Klickitat Street, Knott Street, Lloyd
Center. Individual plaques are arranged along the ground,
one for each of Cleary's books. Unfortunately for Ramona,
Henry and Ribsy, the sculptures and the grounds around
them have fallen into a sorry state of neglect. But if
you push away the grass and the weeds, you can still read
the words etched in stone.
Beverly Cleary Children's Sculpture Park in Grant
Park, Northeast 33rd Avenue between Broadway and Knott
Street.
Another world exists just behind the Imba gallery on
Northwest 23rd Avenue, beyond the manic energy and the
wall of plus-size vehicles clogging the streets. The sculpture
garden can be reached by walking through the gallery itself
or through the gates on the sidewalk level. Here you'll
find a pebbled path that winds past a variety of stone
sculpture, most of which comes from Zimbabwe. The pieces
are set on top of simple tree stumps.
Imba Gallery, 818 NW 23rd Ave., 295-2973.
The green stretch of Tom McCall Waterfront Park used
to peter out once you passed beneath the Hawthorne Bridge,
and the mood shifted to a decidedly tourist one. But lately,
the park has been changing in the section bounded by the
RiverPlace Hotel and the Marquam Bridge. A new plaza has
been created by a garden design of Oriental grasses, flowers
and water--good for those who prefer the feel of warm
concrete to sand beneath their feet. Mathieu Gregoire's
nearby public art piece, River Shift, incorporates
the original concrete piers and reinforcements from the
old waterfront. Portions of the original wood pier are
forever embedded in the river rock aggregate; dark and
rusted steel enforcements protrude at different angles.
The chunks of basalt stone are arranged in a staggered
progression along the river and up the grassy, rolling
hill. There are benches in places for sitting and viewing
the river. At other points, the work all but disappears
and seems to burrow itself back down into the ground.
(ML)
Grab
Your Fair Share
State and county fairs--those phantasmagorias of shorn
sheep, sleazy carnies, rickety rides, deafening demolition
derbies and saccharine sno-cones--connote summer. But
for me, they've always marked the end of summer. Somehow,
my pissant town of a couple thousand in New Hampshire
was awarded the Hopkinton State Fair, which was erected
in the extensive fairgrounds behind the high school every
Labor Day weekend. The fair was hands-down the most exciting
thing that ever happened in Hopkinton, save the scandal
that ensued when a classmate's dad, a commercial pilot,
abandoned his family to get a sex change.
Yep, in the twilight of each August, sitting on my porch
swing, I'd watch the big rigs carry the dismantled Tilt-a-Whirl
and Flying Bobs through town. Then came a steady stream
of crawling cars, which would finance the senior class
yearbook by paying to park close to the fair. Every household
within a half-mile radius of the grounds switched into
entrepreneurial mode and propped up cardboard signs and
waved flags to reap a handy annual bonus from the hordes
of visitors. It always amazed me that so many people would
come to my tiny town to create a huge festival, but I've
realized that such affairs are better left to the country,
where they don't have to compete with the cool gloss of
urbanity.
My fair had it all: 4-H livestock up the ying-yang, tractor
pulls, hog racing, miniature ponies, exhibits on New Age
water filtration systems, Husqvarna's latest chainsaw
model, a fantastic midway filled with dime-toss and balloon-darts
stands, whiplash rides, every gross concession imaginable,
and craft contests where my mom won blue ribbons for her
dried-flower arrangements. It totally rocked.
I saw Willie Nelson play at the Clark County Fair last
year, and it brought me back to my hometown. There was
a ferris wheel, cotton candy, a shed full of cows and
straw laid down to squelch the muddy ground. But the fair
was so anonymous. Plunked in a field on the side of I-5,
it lacked the character of my high school's wooded backyard,
and most of the visitors hailed from nearby cities, not
other small towns.
And the Oregon State Fair? It's located in Salem, which,
backwards as it may be in some regards, hardly qualifies
as rural. As Barbara Sue Seal would tell us, location
is everything--even in the sticks. For fairs, a hayseed
pedigree is important, but not just any patch of grass
will do.
For an authentic fair tinged with Our Town (the
play, not the local rag), you might want to look beyond
the biggies. Between Oregon and Washington, there are
hundreds of fairs of every stripe. The Washington Jr.
Lamb Carcass Show in Ellensburg, Wash., for example,
features all kinds of lambs (market and feeder), a sheep
and wool judging contest and a Skill-A-Thon--about which
your guess is as good as mine. (July 9-10, call 509-962-7507)
Walla Walla Frontier Days gets my vote, because
I have a hunch its demo derby just rips. It also boasts
a PRCA rodeo, horse racing and an attendance of 100,000.
(Sept. 1-6, call 509-527-3247)
In Oregon, we've got the Washington County Fair &
Rodeo, which gets points for a truck pull, a verdant
setting and clown-and-animal acts. But it's hard to endorse,
for these reasons: a big, fat Bi-Mart sponsorship and
the theme "Mooving Toward the Millennium." Get it? (Hillsboro,
Aug. 1-6.)
I'm not sure whether the Oregon Country Fair qualifies
as a state or county fair, unless wood nymphs pass for
livestock, but it's probably the most intriguing fair
around. Sure, it's a hive of hippie sensitivity, populated
by jesters and mimes, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't
like it. (July 7-9, Veneta, 541-343-4298,
www.oregoncountryfair.org)
For info on the Clark County Fair in Ridgefield,
Wash., Aug. 6-15, call (360) 397-6180 or visit www.clarkcofair.com.
Check www.fairsnet.org/usa-or.html
for a complete list of Oregon fairs and festivals; www.travel-in-wa.com/DISTINCTLY/fairs.html
or www.wastatefairs.org/fairdates.htm
for Washington listings.
(CM)
Eat
Cotton Candy Until You Puke
Whether it's the Rose Festival's Waterfront Village or
one of those makeshift carnivals that temporarily occupy
the Mall 205 parking lot, summer just hasn't arrived until
the kaleidoscope world of the carnival comes to town.
In a society that gave us Jerry Springer, what could be
more fun than unsafe rides that throw your back out, junk
food that will send your colon into spasms and drunken
slobs looking to kick some ass? Carnivals bring in people
from all over the state who normally don't leave their
trailers; and while most people over the legal voting
age claim to hate carnivals, these cultural time warps
are packed every year. Because you know you'll be headed
to one before the summer is over, here's a handy checklist
of things you will need.
Designated driver--Kids go to the carnival to
go on the rides and throw up, but adults go for the flat
beer, so make sure you have someone sober to drive everyone
home.
Meeting spot--Inevitably you get separated from
your friends. Pick a spot away from the insanity to meet
up after you've wandered away in an alcohol-induced stupor.
Cash--Bring plenty of moolah for all the dumb
trinkets you could buy at Newberry's for less than you
wind up spending trying to win at one of those couldn't-possibly-be-rigged
game booths.
Antacid--Cotton candy, hot dogs and curly fries:
They all seemed like a good idea at the time.
Escape plan--Keep an eye open for the nearest
exit and/or a good hiding place in case those unruly hooligans
start to open fire while you're in line to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl.
Patience--Carnivals attract stupid people like
Porta Pottis attract flies, but don't let them ruin your
good time. Take everything with a grain of salt--and enjoy
yourself.
(DW)
get
moving
Take
a Nice Spin in the Country
No one knows Oregon's back roads the way Arthur Atsma
does. Atsma is one-of-a-kind in a dying breed: a young
vaudevillian. A traveling magician with a solo variety
show who drives from corporate meetings to Boy Scout banquets,
from Dallas to Lebanon, performing his trademark multiplying-billiard-balls-between-the-fingers
act. He may eat the occasional flaming torch, but being
a family man (he and his lovely wife have five children
under age 6!) Atsma has strong opinions about how to spend
quality time.
His choice: covered bridges.
"We used to swim underneath covered bridges when I was
a kid," Atsma said. "They have a smell like an old railroad
track. They have that aura of 'this is nothing that somebody
would build today.'"
Sometimes what's remarkable isn't the bridge itself but
where it's located. Of the hundreds built in Oregon since
the mid-1800s, only about 50 remain, and those lost souls
are on the loneliest of back roads, far from your nearest
Home Base mini-mall. These bridges are the perfect place
to play pretend Tour de France in your full techo-weenie
cycling gear, or just take the little ones out for a Sunday
drive. "It's totally green farmland, unspoiled, and there's
no one else out there," Atsma said.
PICKS
* Gallon House on Abiqua Creek in Silverton, Marion County
* In Linn County, any of a half dozen off Highway 226
near Scio
* McKee Bridge, the southernmost span, off Highway 238
near Ruch, in Jackson County.
For exact directions to and color pictures of Oregon's
publicly accessible covered bridges:
www.viser.net/~draft/bridges/bridges.shtml
(LSL)
Get
Your Ass Hiking
"If people was meant to walk around naked, they'da
been born dat way."
--Archie Bunker
You know you want to do it. You know you have to do it.
But you've never done it. No, we're not talking about
sex, but we are talking about getting naked.
As in hiking naked.
It may be hard to believe, but it is not against the
law to hike naked. Nor is it unpopular; check out the
testimonials on a Web site called "Nude Hiking in the
Northwest," at http://wanr.earthbiz.net/NWminiguide.html.
According to one bare-assed, slap-happy, nature-lover
known only as "Dick," naked hiking is next to nirvana.
"I felt that I must be doing something illegal, as well
as immoral," Dick says, "but I so enjoyed the freedom
and naturalness that I've been hooked ever since."
Dick has been hooked since 1966. And, lo and behold,
he hasn't been arrested or attacked á la Deliverance
yet.
And Dick is not alone. The hiking experiences of a guy
named "Seattle Steve" (with photos) also appear on the
Web site.
This site is all about specific spots in Washington for
nudie newbies and longtime lovers of the open air. The
basic message: Find a lonely mountain anywhere
and let your freak flag fly. Dick and Steve say people
on the trail either laugh, chat politely or say nothing--forest
rangers included. Still scared? Try testing your comfort
level at a hot spring in the woods.
*Bagby Hot Springs (about 15 miles outside
Estacada; for directions see www.soak.net)
always had a bad rep for biker dudes, drugs, vandalism
and so forth. What a crock. Our gang had a fun time there
just weeks ago. A gorgeous one-mile hike through old-growth
forest, it's an easily accessible outdoor complex built
of rough-hewn logs, and it's packed, packed, packed. Here,
people save their birthday suits for the water. On the
plus side, there are lots of tubs including four big public
ones and a handful of smaller, private ones made from
hollowed-out old-growth logs. It's free (there's a donation
box), and there are toilets and drinking water, but nothing
else. So go at odd hours, keep lying about Bagby's rundown
condition (to keep the suburbanites at bay), and don't
leave anything in your car--we counted 12 piles of broken
glass in the parking lot.
*Breitenbush Hot Springs Resort and Conference Center
(Detroit, (503) 854-3314). This is probably the
best place to launch your first naked hike, in the Mount
Hood National Forest. A cooperative health spa, Breitenbush
offers fabulous vegetarian food and relatively inexpensive
rates. In the best 1960s tradition, the many soaking pools
and the sauna here are clothing-optional (read: varied
levels of tasteful outdoor nudity are always tolerated).
This past winter we wet-toasted, in the snow, with a high-ranking
state official who will remain nameless because he wasn't
wearing a stitch and he's running for reelection against
one of Archie Bunker's spiritual children.
*On our summer must-do list is Newberry National Volcanic
Monument and Paulina Lake Hot Springs (about 10
miles south of Bend, (541) 593-2421) in the Deschutes
National Forest, just south of Bend. We've never been,
but Paulina Lake is right in the old volcano's crater--a
4-mile hike, and you bring a shovel to scoop out your
soaking spot on the gravelly shore. Naked.
(LSL)
Become
Chairman of the Boards
Surf and turf are the two main ingredients that make
up summer's most happening outdoor activities: stuff to
do on a stick. Windsurfing, skiing, skating and plain
old bodysurfing are four reasons many of us live in the
Puddle State. Not only are these activities good for the
mind and body, but they can also be great for your social
life. Many of these sports' participants are hottiesworthy
of pages in the Abercrombie & Fitch Quarterly or a
flattering spread in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit
issue. Best of all, the local custom of being nice to
the earth (and each other) guarantees good vibes and great
vistas.
The following is a list of places where you can get your
groove on.
Windsurf
Cascade Locks Marine Park: Cascade Locks, (503) 374-8619
Columbia Gorge Sailpark: Port Marina Park, Hood River,
(503) 386-2000
Jones Beach: Clatskanie, (503) 397-2888
Ski
One of the few sites in the entire United States for
real summertime snow skiing is Timberline. Besides, it
has a great snowbunny lodge. Interstate 84 eastbound
to Exit 16, follow the signs to the Mount Hood Loop, Timberline
Lodge, (503) 272-3311.
Skate
For rebels it's all about skating under the east end
of the Burnside Bridge.
Tualatin Skate Park, 158th Avenue and Waller Road,
645-6433
Beaverton Skate Park, 258th and Canyon Road
Vancouver Skate Park, Fourth Plain Boulevard and Fort
Vancouver Way in Waterworks Park
Surf
Cape Kiwanda, just outside Pacific City, Highway 101
Oswald State Park, south of Cannon Beach, Highway
101
Rockaway Beach, Nehalem Bay, Highway 101
(BB)
Fall
Prey to Hoop Dreams
Come on, all the cool kids are doing it! The Hula Hoop
(you know, for kids) is making a big comeback, and it
just might be time to try twirling one of those goddamn
plastic rings around your waist again. Cameron Elder and
Jen Hansen, two hottie pros often seen hooping around
downtown and onstage at recent rock shows, certainly make
it look easy. (Elder even displayed his newfound talent
in a Dandy Warhols video filmed at swanky Dante's in April
and hooped in his underwear at the screening there a few
weeks later.)
Finnegan's has basic hoops (Loopy Loops, $7.50) as well
as portable hoops made of plastic pieces connected with
rope that you simply fit together (Go-go Hoops, $18).
The price has gone up since Wham-O Manufacturing introduced
the toy in 1958 for $1.98, but it's still darn cheap fun.
For cheaters, there's the new Wave Hoop by Maui Toys ($5.99
at Toys 'R' Us, various locations). It has a liquid center
that purportedly creates a centrifugal force, allowing
it to stay in motion five times longer than traditional
hoops. (More than two million have already been sold.)
See how much of The Hudsucker Proxy you can make
it through without letting the blasted thing fall to the
ground around your ankles. And consider these facts: 1)
Soviet Union leaders decried the Hula Hoop as an example
of the "emptiness of American culture," and Japan even
banned the toy; 2) The plastic tubing used in all of the
Hula Hoops ever made would stretch around the Earth more
than five times, according to the Hula Hoop Web site (www.hula-hoops.com).
Check out the site for more history, as well as games,
instructions and a calendar of Hula Hoop events. You can
also learn about expert hooper Lori Lynn Lomeli, who spun
82 Hula Hoops simultaneously to make it into the Guinness
Book of World Records.
(LB)
Hit
'Play' and 'Record'
Summer is usually a time to ditch the quotidian grind
of current events and tune into a deeper archetypal cycle
of cocktail-influenced dream time, but some headlines
scream too loudly to ignore. JAMES BROWN HIT WITH SEX
HARASSMENT SUIT, for example.
It seems the Godfather's onetime "personal assistant"--now
there's a job custom-built for gold-digging 10-percenters--felt
a little "pressured" during her employ. She was, she says,
ordered to "wear zebra-print underwear while Brown rubbed
her with hot oil." Well, now--if that doesn't say SUMMER
FUN! to you, I don't know what does. Just a timely
reminder that Sir James must take figurative center stage
in any "summer party music mix" worthy of the name.
The mix tape--it's an art and a science. It's hard enough
to put these calculating sonic collages together when
all you're trying to do is get laid. But capturing the
essence of a season? Tread carefully and plan well. If
you've got a proper amount of social lubricant on ice
and some flesh on the grill, you're ready to begin.
You can keep the James Brown simple. "Papa's Got a Brand
New Bag," "Sex Machine," "I Feel Good"...there's really
no need to search the rarities and B-sides. Get that rolling,
throw some Curtis Mayfield and Sly Stone on as a chaser,
and you won't know if you should make sweet love or riot
in the streets. To keep the peace, try Chuck Berry's new
Anthology II (MCA) and EMD's forthcoming reissues
of classic Beach Boys singles, all due at the end of June.
Berry could trade notes with James Brown on impressing
the ladies, and those lovable hallucinogen-rattled blond
beachcombers sure knew how to party before they became
talentless and/or autistic!
Of course, when a good mix goes to work, thoughts turn
to love. Patsy Cline is a good bet for downtuning early
evening adrenalin into something you can work with,
if you catch what I'm saying. Cue up "Crazy" as the moon
rises over sultry, stirring winds and watch the frantic
shrugging inspired by the Beach Boys and Berry become
a languorous sashay. Top the concoction with Kind of
Blue-era Miles, and you'll have a most potent, efficient
summer mix
(ZD)
Deck
Yourself Out
Patio dancing ain't what it used to be.
Doc's, a topless bar in Southeast Portland, is the
place to go for patio dances with showers! Well, really,
it's a single shower and a slab of astroturf on a small
stage (think of it as a Southeast version of Flashdance).
But if taking a shower outside, in the buff, with a lot
of sweaty guys staring at you is not your scene, perhaps
you should try one of these venues, which offer outside
dancing of a different sort.
Bar 71
In the summer the top comes off of the patio (and
some of the patrons) at this notorious meat market. 71
SW 2nd Ave., 241-0938.
Produce Row Cafe
The perfect hideout for a lazy day of drinking and
catching rays (and eating huge sandwiches). 204
SE Oak St., 232-8355.
Ash Street Saloon
Go through the bar of this recently expanded club
and past the poker machines straight to an outside space
that's within spitting distance of Bar 71. Outfitted with
picnic tables and a few ferny plants, this is the place
to chill out between sets. 225 SW Ash St., 226-0430
Bar of the Gods/The Green Room
Although neither plays dance music on the patio, these
are two of the most happening
(and cozy) outside playgrounds in town--if you don't count
your own backyard. Bar of the Gods, 4801 SE Hawthorne
Blvd., 232-2037. The Green Room, 2280 NW Thurman St.,
228-6178.
(BB)
get
out
Sure it rains a lot in Portland--tell us something we
don't know. But even with an average annual rainfall of
37 inches per year--which is less than Atlanta--there
is no excuse for endless hours of being cooped up inside,
surfing the Internet. From rodeos to bare-ass hiking with
friends, there's no reason not to bask in the occasional
sunshine or frolic in our homegrown rain. Put that SUV
to good use and make a trek out to the mountains. Get
your money's worth from that mountain bike you're still
paying off and explore the trails of the Columbia River
Gorge. Portland's a great city, Oregon's a beautiful state,
and there's a ton of cool things to do in the great outdoors--even
if it means you might get a little wet. (DW)
Root,
Root, Root for the Home Team
Next year our hometown favorites will be in Vancouver
or Lethbridge or some other two-bit port-of-call on the
great baseball pilgrim's path. The Portland Rockies, our
endearingly down-market entry in something called the
Northwest League, will be uprooted next year by a AAA
franchise. Stolen fair and square, we might add, from
the fair city of Albuquerque, N.M. (Attention, stucco-loving
Taos-heads: You'll watch Rookie League and like it...just
say "ooooh-mmm!") While next summer's rebirth of Pacific
Coast League action will bring quasi big-league thrills
and higher ticket prices to Glickman's own Civic Stadium,
the Rockies afford less glitzy but no less diverting fare.
And they're cheap. Dirt cheap. A season ticket for the
best seat in the house runs just $225, while 12-game packages
sell for $84. Single seats for single games can be had
for $7 per adult and $5 per kid, making single-A ball
one of the last bastions of working-class-friendly ticket
pricing in sports. Games themselves are leisurely affairs,
as young players ranging from corn-fed all-Americans to
hopeful Dominicans work the kinks out of their nascent
professional games. It's ball on the ground floor, and
it doesn't get much more true-blue than that.
The Rockies open their home season June 22 against
the Boise Hawks.
See www.portlandrockies.com
or call 223-2837 for more information.
(ZD)
Stay
"Not Out"
To those uninitiated in its mysteries, cricket is one
of the most baffling sports. The nomenclature--filled
with "sillies," "off-sillies," "leg before wickets" and
"creases"--sounds to Yankee ears like the work of a clever
nonsense rhymer. In fact, with the whole Indian subcontinent
obsessed with this ancestor of baseball, it's a safe bet
that more people care about cricket than have ever seen
an NFL game. Don't fear the wicketkeeper--familiarize
yourself with the game at the Bombay Cricket Club. This
bastion of Indian cuisine relies on tapes shipped in from
the UK for its cricketing needs, so there's no hard-and-fast
schedule. Still, with the Asia Cup (featuring mega-rivals
India and Pakistan) wrapping up in early June and Pakistan
facing West Indies in an international match, our local
Bombay outpost should have no shortage of hot pitch action.
Bombay Cricket Club, 1925 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 231-0740.
Call for times
(ZD)
Get
Johnny and Janey Muscled Up!
Yes, you're heavily involved in slamming cuba libres
and mapping out a hot affair with that svelte steamboat
from Accounting. But don't you want your kids to feel
summer's joy as well? The little rugrats love nothing
more than some organized fun during their months off from
all things scholastic--and yet, last year's decision to
buy them cans of spray paint and black ski masks didn't
work out so well. What better, then, than some athletic
endeavors? The Multnomah Athletic Club, to pluck
just one example from the flotilla of organizations offering
sports camps for the pre-voting age set, hosts a number
of bracing boot camps for budding jocks and jockettes.
What separates MAC from the pack? Raw star power.
Sure, there are other soccer camps--but who else has World
Cup winners Tiffany Milbrett and Shannon MacMillan dispensing
orange wedges and tactical advice? Who else pulls in ex-Laker/
Blazers stud Mychal Thompson or onetime PSU QB gun Neil
Lomax? Training with primo athleticos like these will
keep Junior off the streets and out of jail--at least
until all the practice pays off in the form of an NFL
career. At which point, all bets are off.
Dates and prices vary. Call 223-6251 ext. 326 for
details.
(ZD)
Push
the Edge of the Envelope
Drag races, tractor pulls and diesel-engine blows are
all well and good, but if you want a display of raw
machine terror that clenches steel fingers around
the pit of your stomach (or for the manliest men, just
slightly lower), look up. Rattling sonic booms! The growl
of low-flying military aircraft! Unless you live in the
'burgs of Belgrade or Baghdad, it doesn't get much better.
Lucky us: The US West Rose Festival Airshow draws
a top-notch selection of aerial talent, including the
U.S. Navy's vaunted Blue Angels. The Angels began back
in '45, when Adm. Chester W. Nimitz himself decided the
Navy needed to showcase its fliers' skills. These days,
the Angels wield their F/A-18 Hornets primarily as a recruiting
tool, but during the Korean War, they formed the nucleus
of a squadron called Satan's Kittens--and if that doesn't
kick major wads of Third World pinko ass, what does? Still
quite piquant (though no longer packing heat), the Angels
are joined by a mishmash of other high-fliers. Russian
Thunder, for example, is one of only five active Yak 54s,
the world's most elite aerobatic craft. This Siberian
bad dog can pull maneuvers that subject it to nine
times the normal force of gravity. So hear its yowl.
Hillsboro Airport, 224-4400 or ticketmaster.com. 9
am-4 pm Friday-Sunday, July 21-23. $10-$15 per day, $5
children ages 5-12, children 4 and under free.
(ZD)
Love
That Dirty Water
Just because you don't own a Bayliner or Wave Rider doesn't
mean you have to surrender the gleaming, toxic wate | 
