There will be many things to be grateful for in the year 2000.
The death of millennial hype is one; the upcoming complete
and utter demise of Martha Stewart is another.
Yes, you heard it here first: The year 2000 will mark the
end of the Martha era and usher in a newfound back-to-schleppiness
movement sold to us by hypnotic dot.coms who offer laziness
at their points of purchase. Let us utilize this cusp-hugging
stage to take stock of our Martha moment (as predicted by
marketing futurist Faith Popcorn, who coined the term "pleasure
revenge" in the early '90s and kicked off the rush of scented
candles and steak shops in strip malls) and show what your
life will be like come 2000 when you're infused with the
power of schlepability.
What is schlepability exactly? Let's first look at what
it's not. Under the Stewart regime, we were expected to
understand the easy way to do something and then do it the
laborious way just to make us feel better about ourselves
and allow us to brag to our friends. Under schlepian rule,
we get bonus points among our peers by how little time and
effort it takes to do anything. The Stewart way is to do
everything within your power to make everyone else's life
more beautiful, more elegant, more tasteful and more gracious,
all as a way to lift your own wilted ego. The schlepian
mantra is: If you don't care, why should I?
What follows is a comparison of how your holidays will
differ as you hop from Stewart to schlep.
|
|
MARTHA
1999 |
|
SCHLEP
2000 |
| COOKIES |
|
Bake
a variety of bar cookies to serve and give away: Caramel
Pecan Shortbread, Apricot Lattice Cookies, Rugelach
Fingers, Congo Bars, Brownies topped with Mascarpone
Cheesecake, and Peanut Butter and Jelly Bars filled
with jam. Make clever cookie boxes in which to package
them. |
|
Pillsbury
slice-and-bake; try not to eat all the dough before
baking. |
| ORNAMENTS |
|
Create shiny
tinsel ornaments from lametta and glass beads salvaged
from vintage garlands. |
|
String up last
year's colorful Pokémon cards. |
| WREATHS |
|
Make
your own wreath using glass balls; embossed velvet leaves;
spices such as pine cones, poppy pods, star anise and
agava pods; sugared fruit; ribbon poinsettias; white
tallow berries or red seam binding. |
|
Buy an evergreen wreath from the homeless kids on the
bus mall. |
| GIFT
WRAPPING |
|
Interweave a
variety of ribbons to dress up a present. Make egg gift
boxes trimmed with ribbon and beads. Turn oatmeal boxes
into whimsical gift box drums. |
|
Print out colorful
Web pages from your late-night Internet shopping spree.
|
| GREETING
CARDS |
|
Create
beautiful pop-up cards with fine colored and textured
paper, decorate with glitter and glue, rubber stamping
or sequins. |
|
Email. |
| OUTDOOR
DECORATIONS |
|
Gussie up the
yard with pinecone topiaries, ice sculptures containing
flora or holiday window boxes trimmed with greenery
and lights. |
|
Stare at the
red, green and gold traffic lights on the corner. |
| HOMEMADE
CRAFTS |
|
Velvet covered
acorns, lovebird place cards, frosted pears, glittered
ornaments, handmade snow globes, a memory scroll, a
five-tiered wishes chandelier and a perpetual calendar. |
|
Oh, please!
|
| RECYCLING |
|
Cut
old Christmas cards into gift tags. Turn vintage aluminum
baking pans into wall sconces for candles. |
|
Those beer bottles sure pile up during the holidays.
Trade them in for enough money to buy another case.
|
| CULTURE |
|
Create
a warm Southern-style Christmas with ideas and food
from central Tennessee (think ham). |
|
Borrow
some meaningful traditions from the television sitcom
that best suits your family's values: Friends,
That 70's Show, Will & Grace, etc. |
| HOLIDAY
DINNER |
|
Iceberg
lettuce hearts with blue cheese vinaigrette, halibut
à la barigoule, smashed red potatoes, oranges
with caramel sauce. |
|
Take-out
from Huber's. |
| NEW
YEAR'S DAY |
|
Bond
with the family by taking a sunrise hike. Make a "first
day" book in which everyone can record their wishes
for the new year.
Whip up a healthy brunch. |
|
Alka Seltzer and football on three split screens. |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published December 15,
1999
|
