It's Desperate Hunky Man Week!
Dear Suey,
This is the first time that I've ever actually written to
an advice column, looking for some way out of this "love
doldrum" that I've created for myself.
I'm 26 years old. I have a wonderful job, good friends
and a family that is beyond extraordinary. They have accepted
the fact that I came out as gay when I was 16 and have wanted
me to have the best when it came to a loving and supportive
relationship. I've dated men from the bars, and they all
turn out to be boys with issues. I've tried meeting men
out at coffee shops like the ones on Northwest 23rd, as
well as others around town, and for some reason they all
seem to know one another and have no interest in talking
to me. My friends say I should be a model for one of those
Calvin Klein ads, and Mom and Dad wanted me to be one for
the Ralph Lauren ads. So it can't be the looks department.
As for the attitude part, I think I'm charming, and most
of those around me tend to agree--except on those few occasions
where life just gets the better of me and I start bitching.
I have very few hangups, I don't drink, I'm quitting smoking
for my little sister, and I have maybe two cups of regular
coffee a day. I figure the only vices I have now are my
Sony PlayStation and working out at home on my personal
gym.
I'm a little lost as to what to do next in the way of meeting
new people; the prospect of being set up on another blind
date is enough for me to consider becoming a monk. I'm looking
to you for some down-to-earth remedies as to my heartache,
and I hope that there are some sure-fire ways to attract
reasonably intelligent--and hopefully good-looking--individuals.
Thanks for whatever help you can give.
--Waiting
Dear Waiting,
I'm not sure why you're working out in a personal gym; can
you find a public one? There's no better place to find half-dressed
humans bound in spandex, hellbent on self-improvement and
yet desperate for an excuse to get off the exercise bike.
Easy pickings, I say.
But read on...
Oh Suey, Suey, Suey,
Why is it I can't meet anyone who has their act together
and doesn't have any major issues?! In the past six months,
I've been on more "first dates" than I care to admit to;
we're talking close to 15. I meet women all the time, and
not in bars--I just meet them in my normal-day living
activities. They're cute, seem to think I'm cute (laugh
at all my stupid jokes and comments), seem to be intelligent,
seem able to carry on a conversation. We go out, nothing
too terribly extravagant, just spend some time together
and get to know each other better, but --and I'm not kidding--they
all have some serious issues about past exes, are just flakes,
have other "drama" in their life (one chick left me with
just "wow" running through my head after she shared a little
too much, way too soon) or are disturbed by the fact that
my ex is still my best friend.
I'm not fat; I have a career, own (and use daily) a $100
iron, own (and use regularly) a steam cleaner, have nice
teeth, don't have extra crap on my car, shower at least
once a day, know how to use a comb and am very artistic
(I have a photo-essay coffeetable book being published).
My wardrobe runs the gamut from Levi's to an Armani suit,
my exes would probably credit my ability to make them smile
as my most endearing quality (although I like to think it
was the hot monkey sex--I mean, I am a guy), and I'm not
looking for a sperm receptacle.
Please help my noble cause. Surely there must be at least
one nice, attractive, eligible woman who even perhaps feels
the same way I do?
--Together But Alone
Dear Desperate Hunky Men,
I'm not sure why everyone gets so interested in trading
one set of circumstances for another. Why do the unattached
think it's better to spend the rest of their time with a
moody, messy roommate who expects you to pick up their dry
cleaning, praise their parents' cooking, and clear all home-stereo
purchases with them? Why do the partnered fantasize about
a carefree youth, hiking trips through Europe and the thrill
of meeting sexy new people in youth-hostel dormitories?
From a purely rational point of view, there's no reason
to get hitched to a Siamese twin who insists on Thai when
you would rather eat pizza and then blames you for ignoring
his or her needs. Still, most partnered types will ultimately
choose their loved ones over a few mildewy nights of sex
in sleeping bags with Spaniards, accent or no. But this
is not because they have found emotionally stable mates
for their long-term relationships. In my experience, the
so-called "well-adjusted" individual is a myth.
So if you're waiting for that perfectly issue-free someone,
it's no wonder you feel frustrated. Take a break from that
impossible quest. Join a dragon boat crew, attend gallery
openings, enjoy the company of married friends who listen
to your romantic woes with envy. And be on the lookout for
someone with a relatively charming set of foibles to get
under your skin. It won't matter what their issues are then;
your better judgment will be fogged by love.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
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Willamette Week | originally
published February 2,
2000
|
