Dear Suey,
I am quite confused at the moment and would really appreciate
some advice. It might seem like a trivial problem but it is
really bothering me and I can't stop thinking about it. Anyway,
for a bit of background, I am 19 and I live in England.
I have a friend we'll call "Nick." whom I met two years
ago in college. He is quite shy, but we got on really well
and I was his best female friend. A year ago, I realized
that I liked him more than as a friend. My friend Babs thought
that Nick fancied me too.
I didn't tell Nick how I felt as I wasn't sure how he would
react to it all, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship.
A couple of weeks later, we were out at a pub with friends
and Nick and I kissed (or "made out," as the Americans say).
It was a bit awkward the following week, but I knew that
I really liked him.
It has gone on like that ever since, really. Several times
since, kissing, etc. has gone on. It's like we are having
a little fling. The only thing is, Nick has always been
drunk (or drinking) when this happens. It's true what they
say, that you don't lie when you're drunk. I think alcohol
gives Nick courage, but he can also be really loud and stupid.
It is a strange situation, not like a proper relationship,
and sometimes I am happy with it, but other times I am not.
He said that he likes me but doesn't want to go out with
me. Which makes sense as he has moved away for university.
He is the kind of person who wouldn't want to be committed
or tied down, and I couldn't really imagine myself going
out with him anyway. But our friendship is not the same
as it used to be, and I don't want to lose him. I just like
him so much. Please tell me your thoughts.
--Miss Hot Lips
Dear Miss,
I can't quite fathom what subtle effects the time-zone differences
have wrought on our interconnected economic histories so
that Elastica, Trainspotting and Jane Austen novels
are my only exposure to English dating habits; still, I'll
do my best to advise.
To a university student, a trip back home is going to feel
like a William Burroughs cut-up. It all seems vaguely familiar,
but the scenes are coming out of order and the pieces don't
fit. Mom's new haircut makes her head look like an insect's;
visiting old hangouts feels like a trip through the wax
museum; none of it makes sense thrown up next to a world
of professors and deans. Since leaving the old stomping
grounds, his sense of himself has mutated in unexpected
ways; even his jokes will have evolved into a distinct and
competing species from the ones he used to tell.
Yet home is very comforting, in its own way, a fine respite
from the pressures and challenges of academia. It can be
difficult to refuse such a friendly and reassuring double
life. If you want to hang on to your guy, you could probably
do it. It would help if you were planning to attend university
yourself; he'd be more convinced that you would eventually
understand his world, plus you'd have plenty of new recruits
to choose from, in case your current guy turns into a dud.
But you're 19 and just beginning to explore adulthood yourself.
Are you sure you need to hang onto this human security blanket?
Talk to your guy, acknowledge your attraction, give yourselves
a chance to get comfortable in your new circumstances. You
can decide what to do about "the relationship" later.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's Desperate Hunky
Man Week! |
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Willamette Week | originally
published February 9,
2000
|
