Dear Suey,
A few months ago, I met a sweet and funny guy at my local
gym. We hit it off and started hanging out after work, getting
together for a run or a cup of coffee on the weekends. It's
all been fairly innocent, except that he's married and in
couples counseling, and somehow, these meetings feel like
cheating. I have never met his wife or family, and he seems
to have no intention of introducing me. I know I could be
attracted to him, but I have someone waiting for me on the
East Coast and the idea of becoming a homewrecker is a major
turn-off.
Although everything seems friendly, I feel increasingly uncomfortable
hanging out with him. He's never lied about being married.
In fact, he talks about his wife and his marriage a lot. Maybe
too much. I feel like I know more about their relationship
than I should. And it bothers me that we only see each other
one on one, that I might be taking time away from his family.
So what do you think? Should I stop seeing him? I would like
to be friends, but is it already more than that?
--Gal Pal
Dear GP, First of all, you're not doing anything wrong.
You're chugalugging energy shakes, you're passing time with
his numbered jersey, and if you happen to get a buzz from
all the extra protein and the sight of his tightly spandexed
buns, well, you're only human. This is nothing to be ashamed
of.
You know where your priorities (and your affections) lie,
plus you're getting exercise. As far as you're concerned,
this should all be working out to produce optimum performance
and improved muscle tone--nothing more, nothing less.
However, the emotional terrain may not be so straightforward
for your buddy. Of course parents and married people are not
monks; once in a while, they are allowed out of the monastery
and set free on jogging trails without escort or three-wheeled
perambulators. Just like single people, they can have ambiguous
opposite-sex friends and gym memberships too. They can have
problems at home, they can see therapists, they can cry in
their non-alcoholic beer over the impossibility of love with
Winona Ryder or Ethan Hawke. Marriage doesn't change our dating
behaviors all that much.
But when married people carry on like wannabe singles, it
can be difficult for gal pals to know what constitutes blowing
off steam and what crosses the line. To be perfectly honest,
I'm not getting a clear sense of what your boy-buddy wants
either. So get clarification from him. Ask how he works it
out so that he can spend so much time away from home, why
he doesn't socialize more often with his wife, if he's really
serious about getting back together with her. Listen to his
answers. If you still feel squeamish, if the terms of this
friendship are still muddier than your jogging shoes, then
cool your heels on this friendship. He's playing coy with
you.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
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-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
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-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry her
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| 8/4/99 |
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| 8/11/99 |
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| 8/18/99 |
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| 8/25/99 |
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| 9/1/99 |
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| 9/8/99 |
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| 9/29/99 |
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| 10/6/99 |
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| 10/13/99 |
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| 10/20/99 |
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| 11/03/99 |
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| 11/10/99 |
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| 11/17/99 |
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| 12/08/99 |
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| 1/5/00 |
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| 1/12/00 |
|
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| 1/19/00 |
|
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|
| 1/26/00 |
|
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| 2/2/00 |
|
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| 2/9/00 |
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| 2/16/00 |
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| 2/23/00 |
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|
| 3/01/00 |
|
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| 3/08/00 |
|
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| 3/15/00 |
|
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| 3/22/00 |
|
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| 4/12/00 |
|
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| 4/19/00 |
|
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| 4/26/00 |
|
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| 5/03/00 |
|
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-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
|
