Dear Suey,
I don't know what love means anymore. I've been out for several
years now, and have been in three long-term relationships. I loved each of my
ex-girlfriends, and they told me they were in love with me. But when it was
all over, each fell "in love with" and started seeing other people within a
month of the breakup. I don't understand this. I need more time to grieve the
end of a relationship and the things that were lost. I have a hard time trusting
anyone now. How do I mend my heart? And what is love, anyway?
--Stuck Without an Answer
Dear Stuck,
I suppose it depends on your mood. Love is hope, love is
tragedy, love is kicking and screaming until somebody else does the dishes.
In springtime, it spreads indiscriminately. In hot weather, it feels like a
nuisance. Love has a way of spilling out of its pantsuit, onto yours and then
into somebody else's lap. It calls in the middle of the night, borrows your
credit cards, then forgets your birthday.
Frankly, it's easier to understand breakups: For some, the end of a relationship
feels like liberation, while for others, it feels like a death in the family.
Though seemingly contradictory, they're both valid responses. Don't try to read
too much into how a person behaves right after getting dumped. Is a person a
joyless wonder just because she decides to cry in her ice cream, wear dark glasses
and burn all her love letters? Is a person superficial and crass just because
she decides to toss a few relics, start a new gym class and make passes at all
the girls with Jennifer Aniston hairdos? These actions are a quirk of upbringing
or genetics, or maybe just a dogged attempt to put into practice the latest
advice column's suggestions; they don't say much at all about our capacity for
love or pain.
SWA, if you need time to grieve, then go to it. Leave the sheets on the bed
(the sheets she slept in), eat lots of cookies (her favorite kind), write lots
of sad letters (you don't have to send them). Then remind yourself that even
if she's over you, she still cares for you, more than either party would like
to admit. When you feel good and ready (or even if you don't), take a step outside
and get your hands dirty in the rest of your life. You don't need a lover to
experience love.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem to be my specialty. My
crowning achievement was to fall for a bisexual in a committed relationship,
living in Jakarta at the time and available only via online chat. It could not
have been more perfect unless he were also in the priesthood. I seem to have
a radar for the unavailable; if I'm interested, he's committed to someone or
something else Is it always going to be this way?
--Ought To Be Committed
Dear Committed,
You're doing fine. Although there is a certain pleasure
in ritualistically parading your latest trophy into the bedroom every night,
there are some who enjoy the chase more than the actual capture. Nothing wrong
with that.
For years, you have honed a sixth sense for men who can run, who know how to
scatter before your burning lust. Pursuit is an art form, and sometimes failure
is the perfect ending. It has to be that way--just imagine what might happen
if you caught up with one of the unavailables.
You know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, despite the intensity of your
longing, you must have noticed a certain lack of emotional connectedness, a
certain lack of satisfying sex in your interactions with the desired one. That
would make sense, since this general lack of who knows what is exactly what
makes your boy such excellent quarry. But the people we pursue are not necessarily
the ones we stay with. That's why GQ keeps changing its front cover.
You sound like you're looking for something else these days, so give yourself
a chance to recalibrate your radar to an unfamiliar frequency. Cultivate those
friendships that provide what you've been missing--companionship, sympathy,
the sense of knowing and being known intimately. Give yourself a chance to appreciate
the sensuality of nearness. Don't worry, you won't have to give up the chase.
Committed types flirt outrageously, and nobody takes them seriously either.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
| |
