Dear Suey,
My best friend is a handsome, sexy, intelligent, interesting,
witty, fun guy. Last summer we went on an overnight business
trip and got very drunk at our hotel and broke a cardinal
friendship rule: We ended up having a sloppy, mutually unfulfilling
sexual encounter.
The problem? I'm a gay man in a long term relationship
(with a rarely used non-monogamy option), he's a straight
man. We're both in our thirties. We did some heavy talking
after the event and vowed not to let it interfere in our
friendship. Well, it has. We used to do everything together;
now we only see each other at work. I really miss what we
used to have, and yet at the same time I long to have another
(preferably sober) encounter with him.
Even though he actually initiated what happened, he says
it was all a drunken mistake, that he's not bi or gay and
it won't ever happen again. Now he tells me--in lurid detail--about
his frequent sexual exploits with various women. Some days
I am so angry with him because I think he is a hypocrite;
other days I fantasize about riding off into the sunset
with him. My partner knows all about it and has been very
good about this mess.
How can I get over this and move on? What kind of relationship
should I be aiming for ?
--Feeling Thirtyteen
Dear FT,
All "straight" men live in the shadow of gay men. Why? Because
straight men secretly know that gay men are hipper than
they. They suspect that gay men also know this, and that
gay men know that straight men know; and yet, they don't
know if gay men know that straight men don't know for sure
that they know. You see how disorienting this can be?
Gay men have great clothing catalogs, gay men have women
friends and gay men have intimate knowledge of the male
psyche. Most straight men don't even know themselves that
well (just look at the clueless way they behave). Sure,
they can try to compensate in subpar areas of expertise
such as machismo, beer ads, Elvis trivia and guns, but it's
not much comfort. This is the straight man's burden, and
no wonder it's not working out.
I don't know if your best buddy is secretly gay, bi, curious
or straight. But for whatever reason, he's clearly not interested
in you right now and it would be unfair of you, with your
superior knowledge of sunsets and romance, to pressure him
one way or the other. If you intend to be his friend, try
to accept him. Take pity on his flatulent comments on everyone's
breast size.
Your task will be easier if you can accept the fact that
he might have slept with you for no better reason than idle
curiosity (it happens--just ask any straight woman). But
keep in mind also that, even if he is in the closet, he
might need a friend right now more than a lover. Your friendship
won't be the same again, but you can give it a chance to
relax and mature.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers and
all that? My new roommate's kind of a slut, which would
be fine with me if she'd go home with the guys instead of
bringing them back to our place. I hate slobbing around
half-awake in the morning and suddenly, oh, there's some
perky stranger wandering through the apartment.
--Uptight Roomie
Dear UR,
I find that if I hide in my room under a mountain of unwashed
bedsheets and half-eaten cans of soup, I can avoid most
unwanted social contact until about 4 pm. I'm not much of
a morning person, so this strategy works pretty well for
me. You might leave a few unpaired tube socks and lubricant
spills around the cracks of your door--cotton absorbs sound,
and people tend to walk more gingerly around slippery spots
on the floor.
Grumpiness, bolt locks, bad hair: These are signs that
you do not wish to communicate. However, if you are willing
to demonstrate a few symptoms of life, your roommates will
worry less. Try spinning up a Merzbow CD or practicing scales
on your accordion; then ignore the thumping on your shared
wall.
But maybe you don't own soup cans or industrial-noise CDs.
In this case, you may have to negotiate an agreement with
your roommate. Decide on certain nights of the week for
sleepovers, a certain max number of nights per month, secret
flashlight signals that will let you know when an unexpected
guest is in the house. And if you absolutely need the place
to yourself for a while, send the guy du jour out for milk
or a newspaper. Let him work in your service too, and you
may find yourself feeling less cranky.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
|
