Dear Suey, My wife, the love of my life, is driving
me nuts. She wants an open marriage, and I'm just not into
that. She married me when she was very young, before she had
much of a chance to explore, but I'm done with exploring.
I know how confusing it can be. I've already decided that
if I agree, I'm not going on dates myself. The problem is
that I'm afraid I'll lose her no matter what I do. I feel
really confused. I did not think marriage was going to be
like this.
--Willing to Try Anything
Dear Willing, I think it ironic when people start
feeling coerced into "free love." You already know this,
but open marriage probably isn't going to work for you.
Even when both partners sincerely want to try, people tend
to goof it up anyway.
If you're looking to save your marriage, try talking through
some of her issues before deciding what to do about them.
What does she mean by exploring? Is she curious about physical
experimentation only? With men or women? Is she feeling
an emotional need? Is she simply bored? Exactly how do you
fit into all of this? You might want to see a counselor
to help you sort through this stuff. Don't be afraid to
hear the answers--you don't have to do anything about them
just yet.
It could be that after you've had some time to absorb the
news and develop some sympathy for each other, you'll be
able to reach a compromise you both feel comfortable with--she
plans a one-time date with somebody else or maybe she just
spends more time with friends. It's cheating if you violate
your agreement, just as if you let thousands of years of
marital law and your ex-girlfriends set the rules for you.
However, while she could be devoted to you despite her
interest in other people, her feelings could also be a sign
that she's losing interest in your relationship. If so,
you need to find this out. --Suey
Dear Suey, I'm deeply involved with the man of my
dreams. There's only one problem: His relatives are Southerners.
They're the worst cooks, and they're total idiots (but that's
another story). I gag when I eat their freezer-burned pot
roasts and apple pie out of the can; I think they suspect
I'm anorexic because I can't admit that the problem is that
their food sucks. We took them out for Indian food once,
and they nearly died from the horror. There seems to be
no culinary middle ground. These relatives are very big
on having a close-knit family, so I can't simply avoid them.
Do I bring a lunch sack to family get-togethers, pretend
I'm on a hunger strike or...?
--Hungry in Portland's Hundred Block
Dear Hungry, Ah yes, Suey Chow is flashing back
to the day when she brought home a Japanese-American vegetarian
date to a family dinner. It was a simple day, a happy day,
a day when pork was served. My guest politely refused my
mother's delicious main dish and ate rice. Father slowly
turned from red to purple; then Mom began to twitch. Suddenly,
all hell broke loose! Without anyone meaning for it to happen,
it became a hectic night of remembering the Rape of Nanking,
bombing raids and children who were forced to live in caves.
Rare stories about broken transistor radios were dragged
into the debate. The family was in crisis, and all we could
talk about was the shoddy quality of Japan's consumer goods
in the 1950s.
My mom muttered something about how those wonderfully polite
Japanese monks, the most notorious vegetarians of all,eat
whatever is given when they're the guests. And perhaps the
monks have a point: that, more so than a devotion to free
speech or a decent living wage, a culture (and family) identifies
with its food. To reject someone's eating traditions is
to reject the validity of their entire way of being.
I applaud your decision not to communicate the suckiness
of your Southern relatives' food to them; this would bring
disaster. Instead, take your cue from foreign policy makers.
Every head of state will cheerfully sample maple syrup or
put on a Stetson when touring the United States; do you
think these leaders would put up with that if there was
any way around it?
It's not your job to like the food, but it is your job
to hide your displeasure. If the family absolutely insists
that you explain your light eating habits, you say it's
just that you were born finicky/ have medical problems/
are cursed with a very small stomach. Choose an excuse and
stick with it. Then move off this topic. It's important
to save your strength for battles that really matter.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend feels like a
pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos can reaffirm your
humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man seeks advice for
courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
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Willamette Week | originally
published June 23, 1999
|
