Dear Suey,
Here's my dilemma. I've met this wonderful girl. We
share much in common; she's fun, spontaneous, smart, beautiful,
everything I'm hoping for in a significant other. There
are two major roadblocks: 1) she lives 1,000 miles away,
and 2) she has a boyfriend. She tells me she's not really
into him--they've been together more than five years, but
there are no marriage plans and they don't live together.
Still, she says she's not ready for it to end. And yet,
she also told me in confidence that she's waiting for something
better to come along! (Was this a not-so-subtle hint to
me?) But, at the same time, she also tells me how she hates
it when guys hit on her or make advances toward her when
they know she has a boyfriend.
So what's a guy to do? I like her enough to just maintain
a friendship, yet I would love it to be something more.
Should I tell her how I feel? Or should I just be mellow
and let things come as they may (risking that she might
think I'm uninterested)? At this point, any advice would
be helpful.
--Driving in Circles on the 39th Street Rotary
Dear Circles,
I'm cautious by nature. Don't like
to make the first move unless I'm feeling manic, slightly
woozy, with lots of stomach problems. Tend to hold off on
grand declarations of love until the prospect of communal
living in a geodesic dome with insufficient plumbing on
the outskirts of Wasco in the care of an out-of-work penguin
researcher and a cadre of bickering Y2K enthusiasts seems
not tragic, but rather the best, most beautiful thing I
could be doing with my life. When the songs on the radio
start to sound really good and I find myself staring wistfully
at u-joints because that's what my South Pole sweetie just
replaced in his pickup, that's my cue to act. Without really
meaning to be a nuisance, I compulsively call or "stop by"
until the chosen one gets the hint (it helps if he's bright).
If that doesn't work, I get embarrassed and stop.
It's understandable, however, that some would like to take
a more considered, introspective approach to courtship.
They want to know what criteria, beyond derangement, should
be met before making declarations of love, attraction, fascination,
etc. Frankly, it is very helpful if your would-be sweetie
is single, close-in, a decent provider of income and in-laws,
with her own admission of undying love already on the table.
But it's more important to know that your own feelings are
sincere and well-grounded. For example, what happens if
she likes you back? Are you delighted to move a thousand
miles into Portland's countryside just to be with her? Are
you eager to dump your disposable income into phone bills,
just to hear her voice at night? Even when circumstances
are not ideal, love is the only absolute requirement for
making a fool of yourself.
Of course, nobody wants to look like an idiot, either;
you want to let her know you're interested without acting
like one of those guys who hit on her. It's mostly in the
phrasing. You say (or write or blurt out) something mellow
like, "I know you're committed to someone else right now,
but if that should ever change...well, let me know. You're
pretty special to me." And leave it at that. Let her mull
it over. See if she has any good comebacks or if she hangs
up the phone. Your doorbell rings, it's the pizza guy; whisper
into your speakerphone that you'll call her back later.
Next time you chat, you'll discuss the weather, Bill Murray's
genius, the high price of crampons; you'll avoid asking
her for important personal commitments. It'll probably feel
goofy and strange to you both. But there's not a lot more
you can do at this point--she's either going to stay with
her current guy or not, she's either going to return the
feelings or not. There's no use in pressuring her.
And yeah, the friendship is probably going to feel a little
different, too. For a while, she might feel awkward about
discussing her current (or future) relationships with you.
She might even dump you as a friend for "hitting on her"
(in which case, her company wasn't worth having). But in
most cases, you can still be buddies. It doesn't matter
if she likes you back or not--these little confessions eventually
turn into the private jokes and secret attachments that
strengthen your affection.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
|
