Dear Suey,
I'm a guy who doesn't like sex. I've been with a few different
partners, tried a few "experiments" too, but when it's all
said and done, I prefer masturbation. Lots of guys joke
about that, but for me it's really true.
I'm starting to feel like a bad joke, like one of those
guys who gets off with blowup dolls. How do I make an honest
sexual connection with someone? The women I date either
think it's their fault, or my fault, or that I'm gay, or
just not interested in them. I am interested in them as
people, but after so many disappointing experiences, sometimes
I want a little quality time with Mr. Hand.
This is a serious question, Suey. I've always imagined
a family someday and someone to grow old with. At this rate,
it'll never happen. None of my relationships have lasted
more than a couple months and it's probably because I avoid
sex after the first few tries.
--Han Solo
Dear Han, Just about anyone you ask, male or female,
will tell you that sex with yourself feels more intense
than sex with someone else, at least the first few times
and then off and on for the rest of your life. When you're
flying solo, there's not much social pressure, is there?
No backseat driver, no second opinion. In these days and
times, when the corporate junta is tracking your every Internet
fruitbasket purchase and Big Brother has become a new TV
show on VHF, it's understandable if you appreciate your
moments of solitude.
Still, most people do get used to partnered sex, and even
sort of like it. The sexual revelations, the wordless silences,
the laughter, the tears, the dizziness from holding your
positions too long--communal sex (even if it's just between
two) has its attractions. But sex isn't much good as a performance;
your well-socialized water cooler personae might thrill
in most group situations, but it's out of place in the sack.
Somehow, you need to bring the feeling of solitude with
you, to share it with your lover. Next time you're with
someone you want to impress, find the courage to drop the
act. Give yourself over to your experiences and imagination;
let her see what that looks like.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
A few months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three
years to visit Hawaii and pursue someone I met there the
previous summer. As soon as I got off the plane, I realized
how much I missed my ex, and how badly I must have hurt
him.
Hawaii didn't work out, and I flew back to Portland early
so I could try to come home to rebuild things for us. I've
done so many awful and painful things to this man, like
cheating and lying. I would love and need the chance to
see him once more, to be able to explain myself. And maybe
see if we could work something out.
So my question is, do I have the right to contact him,
or am I stuck with this pain? It's eating me alive.
--I'm Sorry
Dear IS,
After several months, it's hard to say how your guy will
react. The best time to throw yourself on someone else's
mercy is right away, when he's still too stunned by a sense
of loss and confusion to have decided on a coping strategy.
At this point, it's quite possible that he's come around
to the position that he's ready to move on, that you were
right to leave him, and that his new girl has a better CD
collection. Of course, apologies from ex-girlfriends are
always welcome; however, to a guy on the mend, they can
sound more like closure than a second chance.
Then again, I don't know how strongly you bonded with each
other. Three years--that starts to suggest something like
long-term intimacy. And in any case, he didn't tell you
not to contact him (did he?). So maybe you could write a
letter to your guy. Letters are relatively non-intrusive
(he can leave it unopened for a few days) and non-confrontational
(he can't argue your feelings, nor can you dispute his reactions);
letters can be more truthful than nervous phone calls or
territory-neutral coffee dates.
I don't know if you can repair the relationship this way.
But unless you've been issued a restraining order, it can't
hurt to talk. Eventually, you might decide you need to move
on too. But give yourself a chance to understand yourself
and him a little better, and be willing to back off if he
says he's had enough.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
- I met this wonderful girl... |
|
