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Dear Suey, A while ago I started seeing this guy. We both go to the same school. Things were great! But I began to notice that whenever things got emotional between us, he'd cut it off. One day, after not being able to get a hold of him for three weeks, we got together, had sex and just had a great time together. I called him two days later, and he hung up the phone. It really shocked me because he is a very straightforward, upfront type of guy. I decided not to talk to him again, until the day my father passed away. I called and told him about my father's death and the service. He never called back. He didn't even show up for the service. I want to confront him. I've developed strong feelings for him. I'm very angry and hurt. Should I confront him? Should I express my feelings? I'm 22, and he's 31. --Flying Solo Dear Solo, Unfortunately, most of the people at school probably don't know what it's like; when you try to explain, they'll stare blankly before turning back to their protractors and spiral notebooks and frozen yogurt in a Styrofoam cup. It will feel very lonely. In particular, this guy you mention will be of no help. He's made it quite clear that he's available for fun and good times, not for anything else. You have an emotional-support dud on your hands. History is full of junk that doesn't do what it's supposed to do: the Ford Granada, Microsoft Word and Spam musubi among others. And yet we are hopeful people; we put our trust in things that we shouldn't. Will this lipliner match my skin tone? Will this plumbing last through Y2K? Failure and disappointment are inescapable in this life, but we can certainly avoid mistakes once we've spotted them. It's too bad you've already slept with this guy. Without sex, you probably would have recognized his shortcomings early on. But sex will forge a physical bond that's hard to shake. It offers rapture, comfort, heat and breath; it sidesteps our better judgment and directly attacks our bodies. Sex reminds us of a secret intimacy between souls and what it means to feel alive, and it will make promises that we don't always want to keep. If you want to confront your sexual partner about this, go ahead, especially if it helps you to close shop with this guy. But another conversation won't necessarily change anything--not his emotional coldness, not your feelings for him. You have not been duped. Sex is not a lie, but it's not a relationship either. --Suey Dear Suey, Dear 50-plus,
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