Dear Suey,
I haven't been attracted to anyone lately or felt very sexual
at all. I wonder why. Maybe I'm not meeting enough people?
Maybe I'm tired of romantic comedies and the gender debate?
I'm still a little curious about sex as a cultural phenomenon--I
just don't feel like having any myself. I'm not old (36),
I'm not ill, I'm not depressed. I'm just not interested.
I looked into a recent survey in the Journal of the
American Medical Association; it says a whopping 43
percent of American women and 31 percent of men experience
some form of "sexual dysfunction"--lack of desire, difficulties
with arousal, problems with climax, performance anxieties...yadda,
yadda, yadda--I'm sure we've all heard it before. Lately,
I can't get that study off my mind. What do you think? Have
I been stricken with the latest new social disease? Or is
this "normal"?
--The Usual Nons
Dear Nons,
You don't say whether or not you're busy, getting out of
a sticky relationship or stressed out, or whether you have
a history of unpleasant sexual experiences, so I will assume
these are not a problem for you. Even so, we all have our
refractory periods, and if you don't feel like having sex
right now, then don't bother.
In the meantime...have I mentioned that sports are really
good exercise, too?
The main problem with sitting around reading thick studies
about America's sexual dysfunction is that you lose out
on the profoundly physical experience of your own intelligence.
Join a hiking club, learn tai chi, figure out how to do
the mambo. Rediscover sunburns and learn about sex again
through your skin. Look, it's summer outside. --Suey
Dear Suey,
I recently returned from a two-week trip to Cuba. When I
left, my girlfriend of 14 months left a note in my luggage:
"I love you and can't wait for your return. You are not
alone anymore." When I got back, she picked me up at the
airport late on a Sunday night; the next morning, at 7 am,
she called and told me she couldn't see me anymore. I've
been shocked, angry and depressed for two weeks. What should
I do?
--David
Dear David,
What can you do? Perhaps you can start by feeling shocked,
angry and depressed for at least a few more weeks. Don't
fall for the callow American habit of viewing human despair
as unproductive, a sign of moral degeneracy. Instead, take
your cue from the French, who have cultivated the habit
of misery. They have a way of making depression seem smug
and cultured. Or imitate the Germans, who like to drive
themselves slowly, analytically mad with it. Or the Chinese,
who view it as a form of brave honesty. Or the Brazilians,
who like to create ballroom dances about it.
I think you should slouch at an outdoor cafe table with
your legs in the sidewalk, glaring at Portland tourists
from behind dark sunglasses. Harass the help for being so
slow with your french fries and flick your lighter distractedly
at the edges of their misleading paper menus that advertise
so-called food service until somebody on the so-called payroll
throws you out. Drag yourself home and sit in the dark watching
new-wave cinema on the ugly American VCR, repeatedly dialing
up the woman who ruined your life (or at least, the most
recent two weeks of it) until her answering machine tape
runs out or she picks up the phone. Did she break up with
you because she met someone else? Because she has a terminal
illness? Because she has borderline personality disorder?
Because she's indecisive? If she has a hard time making
up her mind, perhaps you can use that to your advantage.
But at some point, it might occur to you that this is just
the way it's going to be. And then you will have stumbled
upon one of life's great truths, which is that we, as a
race, are doomed to a life of unexpected happenstance. We
will be betrayed by our ideals, undermined by our hopes,
blind-sided by the unpredictable people who love us. And
yet, through it all, there is always a chance for fulfillment.
Sometimes it doesn't come in the form of dependable relationships
with the people who leave notes in our luggage. Sometimes
it comes as romantic despair, a trip to the library to read
Beat poets, or howling pain. And then, it'll change again.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend feels like a
pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos can reaffirm your
humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man seeks advice for
courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19, but I only like older
women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published August 18,
1999
|
