Dear Suey,
A year ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years with
another woman. To make matters worse, I told him about it.
Suey, how can I fix this? My boyfriend is freaking out. The
"affair" (that's what he likes to call it) was strictly a
one time thing (technically, we hooked up three times). It's
definitely over now and although she's still one of my closest
friends, I'm totally committed to my boyfriend. I explained
this to him, but he is unconvinced. Whenever I spend time
with any of my female friends, he asks a million paranoid
questions. He requested that I stop seeing my "ex", which
I agreed to do for the time being. He asked me to stop seeing
my lesbian friends, which I absolutely refused to do. And
yet I feel like I'm cheating on him whenever I see or speak
to anybody when he's not around, even if it's just over drinks.
So, OK, maybe I am more bisexual than I first thought, but
I really want the relationship back the way it was and I'm
beginning to think that may never be. I love my boyfriend
and it breaks my heart to see him like this. At the same time,
he's making my life a living hell, with no end in sight.I
told him he could have sex with someone else to even up the
score, but this idea only seems to annoy him. Is my only option
to break up with him?
--Bi-Girl Loves Boy
Dear BLB,
Look at it this way: the fact that your boyfriend hasn't dumped
you yet is a pretty good indication that he's also trying
to make things work. I think he's searching for ways (lamely,
perhaps) to reestablish his trust and to forgive you. So why
not make the first move? Summer is almost over: Did you two
get your yearly Ashland sunburn yet? Plan a weekend to get
your kites tangled, leave love notes on his voice mail, express
your irrational attachment to him in every starry-eyed way
you know how.
Your boyfriend does need to hear over and over and in excruciating
detail just how important he is to you. Back off of heavy
conversations about the affair, avoid throwing him into the
arms of another lover (you might think it generous but he
probably sees it as another rejection, or at least kinda creepy
in that Glenn Close way). Instead, throw flower petals on
his breakfast cereal and start behaving like his crazy-in-love
girlfriend again. If you can show him that he makes you happy,
his confidence in the relationship is likely to improve.
--Suey
Dear Ms. Chow,
I was passing through Portland during the week of August 2nd
and I read your WW column in which you state that "The hoary
old 50-percent failure rate [of marriages] is a miscalculation.
Back in the dark ages of sociology (the '70s), someone divided
the number of divorces by the number of marriages in the same
year and then assumed that 50 percent of all marriages would
end in divorce."
As an economic demographer I might agree that sociology was
--and maybe still is--in the dark ages, but in this case you're
wrong. Many sophisticated studies, including some in the last
few years, using sample survey data and rather complicated
projection figures, confirm that the failure rate of first
marriages in the United States is over 50 percent.
There may have been a small recent decline, but people who
study this generally agree that the failure rate of first
marriages is at least 50 percent. The data show that second
and higher marriages have an even higher failure rate, confirming
your quote of Dr. Johnson that second marriages are "the triumph
of hope over experience."
--A Demographer from Chapel Hill
Dear Demographer, Well, OK, but I still can't find those
papers. As far as I can see, the 50 percenters have failed
to deliver an actual web link or on-line Entertainment
Weekly article that would conclusively prove their claims
to the rest of us. I still find marriage to be an excellent
institution, and the fact that you can now get divorced, once
it becomes boring/sexless/life-threatening/irritating, can
only improve the tradition. So there!
--Ms. Chow
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
- I met this wonderful girl... |
| 7/12/00 |
|
-I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
|
| 7/19/00 |
|
- Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches? |
| 7/26/00 |
|
-I think
I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for
over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next
level. |
| 8/2/00 |
|
- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25.
Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are
naive. I'll help you set them straight.
|
| 8/9/00 |
|
-Just when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself? |
| 8/16/00 |
|
-My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when he's out with
his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.
-The world's biggest ass
|
|
