Dear Suey,
I feel compelled to warn you: I'm an Asian and a female.
I was born and raised in a country where Confucius claims
dominion over every human settlement, from the bustling metropolis
to the isolated fishing village. Naturally, I have been instilled
from birth with all the usual bloodcurdling maxims against
premarital sex.
So far, the traditional wisdom has been enough to keep
my instincts in check. But, alas, not for much longer. Two
weeks ago, I met a guy. I'm crazy about him. He's handsome,
affectionate, funny, considerate, cute and tall, with a
beautiful body. He tells me that he wants to sleep
with me. And, most amazing of all, for the first time in
my life, I want to sleep with him.
So far, so good. But there's a catch. In fact, there's
a whole chain of intricately concatenating catches:
1) Since the sovereign powers dictate that women keep their
virginity intact until their wedding night, deciding to
defy their edict automatically subjects me to sovereign
edict No. 2: The man I defy it for must be either someone
I'm about to marry, or someone who is "truly worthy." Ix-nay
on the former. But the latter?
2) I am leaving the country in one month, and I'll be gone
for at least five years. We both knew this when we started
seeing each other; we also knew that we came from far too
different backgrounds and ambitions ever to consider a serious,
long-term relationship.
3) He tells me, quite openly, that he has gone out with
some 70 women so far and has slept with a substantial number
of them. So to him, sex is a natural, rather commonplace
thing. Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
There's no question that I am head over heels in love with
this guy. And I'll probably regret it for the rest of my
life if I don't sleep with him. But with all the aforesaid
considerations, I might regret it for the rest of my life
if I do. I guess the question is: Which will I regret
more?
--In Bed with Confucius and Casanova
Dear CC,
Remember, I'm Chinese-American. I know only the stories
and legends about the old country. My mother tried to instill
Confucian values in me, but, let's face it, I was raised
among hippies. Once you learn how to tie-dye in summer camp,
there's no going back. Still, I'll do my best to extrapolate
from my experiences as a corrupt Western devil.
As you well know, the worst thing about Confucianism is
the Confucian parents. Disappointed ancestors have no shame:
They'll complain to the neighbors about you, they'll refuse
to speak to you, they'll burst into tears because you brought
home a B in P.E. If they find out about the tryst with the
hairy foreigner, your parents will make damned certain you
spend the rest of your days regretting it.
But if a woman loses her virginity and her parents never
hear of it, is there any disgrace? The aunties will ask
their nosy questions; it'll be difficult to hide your secrets
but not impossible. By practicing safe sex, not getting
pregnant, deleting love e-mail and focusing family debate
on your decadent economic views, you should be able to sidestep
the edicts.
So what's the verdict? The good news is that you'll be
much more forgiving of your first-time awkwardness than
of your 71st. But it wouldn't hurt to wait, either; someday,
you'll feel cataclysmically inclined about someone else.
Of course, "you'll know when you're ready" and "don't get
pressured into anything" and "love is special, with or without
sex," which is all true. But in the end, I'll throw my imperialist
flag in with your beautiful boy because 1) I'm partial to
tragedy, 2) by the time this goes to print, you'll doubtless
have bedded the guy. So have your fling. Just remember to
study hard, read the warning labels and buy American (condoms).
--Suey
Dear Suey,
Is this your real name? I believe it is a pen-name, but
my boyfriend swears that it must be real and that it's crazy
for me to even consider that it isn't. Please settle this
little tiff for us.
--China Berry Justice
Dear China,
Luckily, my parents are not cruel people. But what is a
"real" name anyway? Some paper-shuffling immigration ape
managed to misspell my dad's family name, miscalculate his
birth date (I guess that Chinese-to-Western calendar conversion
can be a real bitch) and leave off his first name altogether.
My mom got her name from Catholic nuns. Kobe Bryant got
his from a Japanese menu. As it turns out, my nickname was
coined, with minimal sadism, by my sister, "Bill."
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published September 1,
1999
|
