Dear Suey,
I'm in a happy marriage. My wife and I, in our twenties, have
been together for several years. The problem is--or my
problem is--that she never wants to have sex. She did at first,
and we enjoyed it. Since the first year, we make love once
every three or four months (I see it as 90 to 120 nights!).
I have not changed in appearance or attitude, and we are happy
together. She loves cuddling with me and is affectionate,
but she does not get the least bit sexual--not even passionate
kissing. Any explanations or advice?
--121 and Counting
Dear 121,
The problem with marriage is that it feels a lot like family
life. She might tell you it's cute and romantic that you don't
know how to make spaghetti without burning the Prego, but
deep in her subconscious, she sees her dad. Your racquetball
skills might have elicited sighs and a sexual thrill in your
dating years, but now the sweaty headband reminds her of a
slovenly "sporty" brother. And since she's coming back home
exhausted after a busy day of middle-management tasks, she
naturally feels herself turning into her mom.
They say women hit their sexual peak in their thirties, and
maybe you could try her again then. Certainly, any memory
of youth and childhood should be fading by then. However,
if you're looking for more immediate gratification, you could
try taking her out of familiar (and familial) situations.
Maybe plan a vacation, clean the house, ask personal questions
without assuming you'll know the answer. Take her out into
public and flirt in front of the staring otter sculptures.
If she says she's tired, let her sleep on a picnic blanket,
and then see what she's up for after her nap.
Then again, tiredness often has less to do with exercise
fatigue than a certain treadmill-like attitude toward life.
The possibility of engaging the unknown attracts us to each
other, and when we're innocent, we often imagine that the
new unknown is somehow better than the one we came from. But
then time passes, we learn a few things, and the unknown seemingly
fails to meet our expectation, or at least it looks too much
like some other thing we knew about all along.
Giving up on the whole sex project is a reasonable decision.
But if that doesn't work for you, if it's really true that
you're doing everything right, if you're reading sex manuals,
doing dishes, showering regularly, making adequately desperate
romantic gestures and asking attentively about her day, yet
she's still uninterested and you're still bothered by it,
then try having sex after all. Ask if she'd be willing to
do it as an ordinary, quotidian gesture. The everyday world
is more mysterious than we give it credit for, and it's worth
experiencing that way too.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I'm engaged to be married to a man I love
very deeply. He is the most decent and generous person in
my life, and he's very open-minded. Still, I haven't told
him everything about my past. In particular, some of the other
men I "dated" when I met him were actually my clients. I am
no longer in the business (I've since finished grad school),
and I seriously doubt the truth will ever come out--my ex-clients
have as much reason to be discreet as I do. Still, I can't
help thinking that I should tell my fiancé.
What is my obligation to come clean, even if I'm 99 percent
sure it won't be an issue in the future? I didn't mean to
keep it from him for so long, but there never seemed to be
a good time to tell him.
--Liar and a Whore
Dear LAW,
A lot of moral theorists have debated the nature of truth,
but I don't know of any advice columnists who have contributed
substantively to the dialogue. They'll usually tell you to
lie about your affair/bad house-keeping skills/electrolysis
addiction/brie fetish for as long as you can, if only to save
the feelings of your one and only. On the other hand, if you're
looking for a way to test his love, or simply hoping to record
his reaction for your webcam, tell him now--who knows, it
could be a bonding experience.
For you, LAW, perhaps the key is to prevent this info from
coming out before you're ready to dish it yourself. In this
case, tell him that you can't marry someone who ever intends
to run for office, appear on reality shows, raise a child
actor or become a celebrity axe murderer. Hopefully, he'll
get the hint that some aspects of your life are simply not
intended for public scrutiny.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
- I met this wonderful girl... |
| 7/12/00 |
|
-I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
|
| 7/19/00 |
|
- Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches? |
| 7/26/00 |
|
-I think
I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for
over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next
level. |
| 8/2/00 |
|
- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25.
Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are
naive. I'll help you set them straight.
|
| 8/9/00 |
|
-Just when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself? |
| 8/16/00 |
|
-My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when he's out with
his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.
-The world's biggest ass
|
| 8/23/00 |
|
-A year
ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years with another
woman. How can I fix this? He is freaking out.
-Oh Ms. Chow, in this case you're wrong |
| 8/30/00 |
|
-When do you tell someone you're dating that you have
hepatitis?
|
| 9/6/00 |
|
-Clueless
fellow in deeply sordid situation
-I'm beginning to suspect a connection between chemical
dependency and emotional dependency, or maybe between
fitness and emotional independence.
-Is there any way to turn down a bridesmaid offer without
offending? |
|
