Dear Suey,
I'm pretty sure I've never had an orgasm. Do you have any
suggestions for me? I feel so frustrated. I almost feel like
giving up on having one, but it seems so crucial. Besides,
I just want to be one of the girls. And don't tell me to ask
my friends about it--it would be too humiliating, we don't
talk about that kind of thing, and they would never understand!
--O-less
Dear O,
Having your first orgasm is almost an accident. Some amount
of planning helps, and I assume you've tried long showers,
vibrators, the erotica section and plenty of self-massage
all through the day--if you haven't, then get back in bed!
When the pressure is on, giving up is actually a good instinct.
It gives you a chance to get back to the things that really
matter, like the curve of your favorite love object's elbow
and your skankiest fantasies involving Kevin Spacey. The
smell of clean sheets and the brush of your hands against
the small of your back. These moment-to-moment experiences
are important because--I'll let you in on a secret--orgasms
aren't all they're said to be. Yes, I know the big O is
a badge of feminist power, a way to get closer to the Goddess.
An orgasm can annihilate the mind and take you out of time,
but it can also feel like a squirmy, uncontrollable tic.
In many cases, orgasms also put an end to the sex, which
can be a very sad thing indeed.
In the meantime, when you're done fooling around with yourself,
I think you should talk to your friends about it. I think
you'll be surprised by how willingly your friends share
their own secrets and embarrassments. And while you're collecting
stories, you might find one that particularly inspires and
arouses you.
In fact, I'll get you started: Ladies and gentlemen, please
send me your stories about your first orgasm; I'll get them
posted to WW's Web site. How did it happen? Where?
What were you fantasizing about?
Details, please.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
My boyfriend is a good person, but he loves to argue
with me, especially in front of other people. I think he's
trying to gain their sympathy or prove some kind of point
by doing this. Last week, we loudly discussed how many credit
cards I own, even though my officemates were in the next
cubicle, and two days ago we argued about the reliability
of my memory for movie trivia while standing in a public
parking lot. This kind of bickering embarrasses me, and
I think our friends are beginning to avoid us. I try to
stop him, but he just says (to everyone in earshot) that
I'm being moody and that he has no secrets. What should
I do?
--Ms. Furious
Dear Ms. Furious,
Arguing isn't always a public nuisance. For example, at
my parents' parties, you're supposed to denounce the injustice
of baboon-to-human heart transplants as you slam your fist
into the dining room table (especially if you're my dad).
As a guest, you're supposed to stand bolt upright and shout
at the top of your lungs that baboons are dumb animals and
that my dad is a contemptible, bleeding-heart leftie. It's
all part of an intricate social dance necessary to maintain
amicability.
Arguers have it all over the non-arguers. Arguers don't
see anything wrong with waving their fists in public. Arguers
will knock over a few drinks and a waiter to make a point;
arguers shout, "This is the news!" and, "You've got your
head up your butt!", always certain you will be won over
by their sincerity and common sense. Passive-aggressive
types can try to provoke with tattoos and latex, but arguers
wear sequins and loud rayon floral prints without meaning
anything by it.
In general, arguing doesn't cause arguers to feel self-concious
or lacking in emotional self-control. They're always surprised
when the people around them burst into tears and run screaming
down the street--arguing just doesn't do that for them.
For arguers, debate is not a breakdown in social order,
but rather an important form of communication and street
theater. Why should they give up a community-building lifestyle?
But you're upset by it, and that--not arguing--is the real
problem. Even if you're able to wrangle a concession out
of your hothead, a statement like, "Of course I respect
your opinions. Isn't it obvious, ya panty-waist?" could
inflame your emotional need to kill him. Don't do it. If
you want to stay in a relationship with your loudmouth,
you'll investigate your assumptions instead. What exactly
does he mean by "panty-waist"? Does it mean your opinions
aren't worth anything to him after all, or is he just into
retro-swearing today? Surprisingly, it's often the latter.
We're talking about reprogramming your emotional responses.
It could take years, and it might not be worth it. But if
you can relax around your boyfriend, your friends probably
will too. Once you learn to interpret his public ravings
more accurately, you'll be able to see if there are real
problems in the relationship. Just keep in mind that sometimes
a remark can be cruel, kind or irrelevant, depending on
how you react to it.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published October 20,
1999
|
