Dear Suey,
I'm fascinated and infatuated with the parking valet boys
at Bluehour. I love everything about them--their cute T-shirts,
their adorable haircuts and the sweet, innocent way they stand
on a street corner. Happiness could be mine, if only I knew
how to start a conversation with them, but I find them unapproachable.
What do you say to a beautiful stranger, much less a whole
group of them? And don't tell me to start with horsepower
banter. I don't own a car, much less an SUV, and would be
embarrassed to ask them to park my bike.
--Mr. Blueballs
Dear Blue,
Keep your goddamned hippie hands to yourself. The vestal virgins
of Portland's uber-yuppie set are not for you. Perhaps you
may offer sidelong glances and adoration from afar, but do
not address them by name. No wonder you feel unworthy; your
clownish bike-riding and your greedy chattering thoughts could
only pollute their perfect hipster state of grace. The parking
valets have been appointed to perform a crucial service to
humanity.
However, if you are absolutely determined to make meaningless
small talk, please first perform the necessary ablutions and
get a shave. Attire yourself in black leather and a hair shirt,
so that you blend in with the crowd. Invite a friend to meet
you for drinks, then arrive a few minutes early. While you
wait outside for your dinner date, you are allowed a few inane
questions and comments, such as "Where do you guys stand when
it rains?" Allow their vacuous responses to comfort and purify
your soul. But here comes your friend--that's all the time
you get! Now go inside, and don't stare out the window.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I've thought of writing you for a while, and I am finally
going to break down and do it. This letter is about being
single and the trouble I am having being comfortable with
that. I am in my early 30s, male, straight, single, never
married, attractive, college-educated, etc. I think I am basically
a decent guy. But, it seems that lately I am taking my "singleness"
personally. For some time, I have been wanting to meet someone
to settle down with. Someone else to think about, to be with,
to live for. When I see couples together or with a small child
I feel like, "Damn, what's wrong with me--how come I'm not
with someone?"
I do realize that it's better to be single than in a bad
relationship. But I am wondering why I am finding it so difficult
to meet that special person. I think part of it may be my
approach. I treat it more like a job than an opportunity,
i.e., trying too hard.
Is it true that a person who is not looking to meet someone
is more likely to meet someone? How should I approach this
"goal" of finding my soulmate? I've done a lot of thinking
about this, and here's what I have come up with: I should
try to put myself in places or opportunities to meet people
and relax about it--accept it. Beyond that, there's nothing
else I can do. Do you have any ideas for gaining the right
frame of mind that will give me some peace and also move me
in the right direction?
--Tired of It
Dear Tired,
No wonder you're exhausted. Trying not to want what you want,
or to think what you think, or to imagine what is too good
to be true, will sound like useful advice in theory, but in
real life, such paradoxes are not in the least amusing. Rather,
they are irritating mental plagues, and when we are lectured
to try not to try by New Agers, relationship gurus, married
friends and other sadists, we naturally feel the urge to tear
out their scant, Yoda-like hair and gag them with it. Now,
some ladies admire neurotic and aggressive behavior, so this
approach might work for you. However, if you're looking for
a sense of emotional relief, you might try something else.
The goal of finding someone to think about and take care
of is admirable and instantly qualifies you as a worthy mate.
But if the love of your life has yet to appear for her dinner
date and hot-oil massage, then try pouring your nurturing
energies into someone or something else. Surely you've got
room in your apartment for a cat, house plants or a few loserly
friends who need tending? Housemates are an option, and cleaner
than a live-in girlfriend would be. If you need to take care
of something bigger than yourself, try zoo work, land management,
a career in teaching or spiritual devotion. Or you could get
a cat--did I mention that before?
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I
choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos can
reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover is
a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19, but
I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like my
artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex with
another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes for
a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants
to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get back
together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out
with a drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I
love performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I
would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My
guy's so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm
an ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking,
only fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've
recently started paling around (and more) with a married
guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without
a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I
want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained, what's
a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
-
There's this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm
involved in a relationship that I'm afraid might shock
and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
-
I met this wonderful girl... |
| 7/12/00 |
|
-I'm
a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
|
| 7/19/00 |
|
-
Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches? |
| 7/26/00 |
|
-I
think I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for
over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next
level. |
| 8/2/00 |
|
- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25.
Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are
naive. I'll help you set them straight.
|
| 8/9/00 |
|
-Just
when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing
guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself? |
| 8/16/00 |
|
-My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when he's out with
his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.
-The world's biggest ass
|
| 8/23/00 |
|
-A year ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years
with another woman. How can I fix this? He is freaking
out.
-Oh Ms. Chow, in this case you're wrong |
| 8/30/00 |
|
-When do you tell someone you're dating that you have
hepatitis?
|
| 9/6/00 |
|
-Clueless fellow in deeply sordid situation
-I'm beginning to suspect a connection between chemical
dependency and emotional dependency, or maybe between
fitness and emotional independence.
-Is there any way to turn down a bridesmaid offer without
offending? |
| 9/13/00 |
|
-My wife doesn't want to have sex anymore
-I used to be in the sex service profession, should I tell the man I'm about to marry?
|
| 9/20/00 |
|
-I started playing out some of my fantasies with my lover
in the last year. Things have gotten complex.
- I explained that nail polish is only for girls, to which
my son insisted, "I'm a girl too!" |
| 9/27/00 |
|
-I'm dating my close friend's ex-husband
-Even though he is gonna dump me after having sex, I still
want go out with him. |
| 10/04/00 |
|
-Three straight guys agree: Hey, what's with the ladies? |
| 10/11/00 |
|
-Are there side-effects to jerking off?
-I'm married, he's married, we're deeply in love with
each other and having an affair. And now he's asking me
to marry him. |
| 10/18/00 |
|
-I have recently gotten out of a yearlong relationship with
someone I considered my best friend...now, heartbroken. |
|
