Dear Suey,
I've been very happily married to my high-school sweetheart
for 17 years now and we were each other's firsts. My wife
tells me she wants to have sex with another man, just once,
to know what it's like. What am I to make of this?
--Curious
Dear Curious,
You know, it probably doesn't mean what you think. When
our wives start asking permission for one-night stands,
it's easy to jump to extreme conclusions: Is she bored with
the sex? Does she want out of the marriage? Has she been
reading those anti-monogamy tracts on the Internet again?
You've had 17 years to learn your wife's idiosyncracies,
so you would know better than I whether to take her words
at face value. Personally, I suspect your wife may simply
be curious, just as she says, and feeling guilty enough
to want to share the burden with you. Talk with your sweetheart
again and explain your worries. Listen to her thoughts,
strategize with her, ask how she plans to deal with potential
emotional entanglements. When you're ready, take the plunge.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
Impotence. That's the problem. I'm intelligent,
well-intentioned and vibrant, and despite my slightly advanced
age, I don't have any trouble getting a date. It's the second
date that's rare. Whether she's young or old, emotionally
secure or not, as soon as I explain my limitation, she's
gone. What do you suggest? Viagra doesn't work for me. I'm
willing to do what it takes to please a woman sexually,
short of implants, but so far I haven't been given much
chance!
--Ready and Willing
Dear R&W,
While I admire your brutal candor as an act of political
and artistic confrontation, I can't quite condone it as
first-date technique. Of course honesty is the best policy,
but there is a certain rhythm to our human relationships.
We can tell a dear friend about our career disasters, sexual
mismanagement and house lockouts to get sympathy in return,
but start rambling to a stranger on a bus and that stranger
will probably get off at the next stop and apply for a concealed-weapons
permit. We can't really depend on the kindness of strangers
as we used to.
It takes a bit longer (and lacks the instant gratification
you get from baring all), but perhaps you'll take the time
to cultivate friendship first. Start with charm and good
restaurant recommendations; share your yoga experiences
and travel adventures next. If, after a few months, you're
still interested in each other, you might try her out on
a couple of household-disaster stories. My guess is your
impotence won't seem so bizarre after she's laughed and
cried with you over your nutty washing-machine hoses.
And by the way, if you haven't discussed other treatment
options with your doctor yet, you should. From what I can
tell, doctors know more about the kinky stuff than anyone
out there. They get to think, talk and write papers about
our bodies without fear of censorship or condemnation; they're
paid to listen to you do it too. It's not fair, but those
medical Web sites are the best.
--Suey
CORRECTION: A few readers (including my significant
other and my neighbor) pointed out that my comments on herpes
may have been misleading. To clarify, there are several
kinds of herpes: In particular, cold sores, or herpes simplex
virus type I, usually appears in the mouth (although it
can be passed to the genitals), while HSV type II usually
appears in the genitals (although it can be passed to the
mouth). Both can be painful and embarrassing; both permanently
attach to the DNA in your nerve cells; and both can be transmitted
via mouth or genitals whether an outbreak is occurring or
not (although an open sore is more contagious).
The difference is that for some women, the first outbreak
in the genital area causes high fever and blisters so huge
they interfere with the ability to pee. Pregnant women should
also discuss the (avoidable) risk for newborns with their
doctors.
But for most, herpes truly is the cold sore of sexually
transmitted diseases. Some won't notice symptoms, especially
if the sores are hidden. Of course, anyone with new, unfamiliar
rashes and spots should consult medical professionals, and
full disclosure is good intimacy-building behavior for everyone.
Yes, herpes is a nuisance, but it's a thoroughly manageable
one.
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published October 27,
1999
|
