Dear Suey,
Does the size of my penis matter to women? This is a serious
question.
--Mr. Cox
Dear Mr. Cox,
Hmm...how to explain in a way that doesn't insult your viability
as a datable male, complete with a mind, emotions and an
inner life, but at the same time avoids framing women as
gluttonous yet finicky sexual shoppers?
It's complicated, of course: Size matters, but probably
not in the way that you think it does. I mean, yes, some
women become erotically obsessed with meaty cocks. A dreamlike
sensual connection is established between a big, throbbing
package and a big, throbbing arousal--these women are provoked
by powerful sensations and genitalia, by the desire to control
and be controlled by a massive physical-emotional complex.
But then again, some women feel a similar genetic imperative
to mate with men who stare heavily at their poetry, study
cosmological principles with powerful telescopes, or have
really big hands and feet.
There's no accounting for taste. Women who like big hands
and feet are often perplexed and a little grossed out by
women who relish big packages, and vice versa. And yet,
no matter what their fetish, most women can still agree
that a small penis is a nuisance--if only because an undersized
member often has an undersized ego attached to it. Femalekind
has grown weary of providing nurture, reassurance and interesting
manipulations of the truth every time someone asks, "Is
mine too small?"
Admittedly, women are not good at dodging the question.
If you decide to confront a special someone about the inadequacies
of your pee-pee (say, just before, during or after sex),
you can expect long silences, misleading statements and
outright denials to issue forth as if at a presidential
address; then the mood will quickly die. This kind of experience
can only add to your sense of uncertainty about the future.
Instead, try to deal with your insecurities on your own.
Perfect your oral skills, acquaint yourself with a dildo,
build a support network at your local gym (you know who
to invite). Then, find a gal who makes you feel charming
but also a little nervous. When you catch her in a particularly
good mood (not right before, during or after sex), try an
exchange of views and smart-alecky remarks on the subject,
and give whatever advance warning about your equipment you
think she merits. If this doesn't work, well, what can I
tell you? It's probably your breath.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
My marriage is falling apart. We stopped having sex because
neither of us wants to. And not a day goes by when my husband
and I don't say something extremely cruel and vindictive
to each other. Everything is a veiled or outright attack--constant
criticism, constant abuse. He complains that I don't know
how to take helpful feedback, but everytime I point out
something he's done wrong, he claims I'm changing the subject
(which is always about something I've done wrong).
What's going on? When I'm alone with my thoughts, I can
see that I still love and admire the bastard. I want to
be good to him; I even think some of his criticisms are
valid. But when we're interacting, I can't control the ugly
words that come out of my mouth, and suddenly I'm a screaming
harpie. I hate that about myself.
What can I do? And by the way, couples counseling is a
no go--he refuses to attend.
--No Way Out
Dear NWO,
Counseling, together or alone, probably would help. So would
exercise, a healthy diet, Buddhism (Pema Chodron's books
might be particularly appropriate), candles, mudbaths, magazine
subscriptions, vacations to Italy, recycling programs, volunteer
work, and so on. Entire industries have grown up and become
profitable, attempting to address the problem you describe.
It's at the root of our modern society's difficulties, our
greatest challenge. I'm talking about the personal struggle
to behave in a civilized manner and live a full life, of
course.
Nobody really knows how to do it--we have very few role
models. In the old days, we were too busy enslaving the
masses, instigating race wars, dying of freezing cold and
smearing our faces with chocolate candy to give much thought
to the possibility of responsible and ethical behavior.
It's not so different now, but we do hope for something
better.
You're courageous to take this on; the quest for self-knowledge
and appropriate conduct is a lifelong project full of humiliating
discoveries and embarrassing communal-living experiments.
Unfortunately, it's mostly for you to explore on your own,
but at times there will also be people who can help with
decent advice, banana-bread recipes, and contrary points
of view against which you can check your own. Perhaps you'll
let your husband be one of those dissenting voices, or perhaps
not. But the only way out of your situation is to follow
it through, no matter where it takes you.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published November 23,
1999
|
