It's a strange thing. We live in a world of searchers who
actually want to get lost. I am one of them. On a mission
to find the best corn maze in the state, one that offers tranquil
beauty while still scaring the shit out of you, I climbed,
crawled and ran through the best of 'em with a deep desire
to get dazed and confused. And guess what? I did it each and
every damn time (well, maybe the corn fuel helped).
Corn mazes were originally brought to this country by odd-thinking
British artist/designer Adrian Fisher, who designed a maze
in Pennsylvania in 1993. In the past four years, more than
200 of these "agri-tainment" labyrinths have popped up in
the United States, with Oregon and Washington sporting at
least 20 mazes between them.
Twenty minutes outside of Portland, in Canby, was where
my first amazing maze experience began.
"Let's have a race," my girlfriend said, half-cocked on
a bottle of champagne. Oh yeah, great idea--it's almost
dark and she's drunk, so why the hell not! Let's get lost!
We both gave up our paper maps and plunged in. In less
than an hour, the chase scene from The Shining was
running through my head. Slightly panicked, I started to
imagine small children with large (and very sharp) farming
tools behind every corn patch, waiting to pounce on me and
convert me to some strange cult.
Drenched in sweat, I passed by kids screaming directions,
adults dumbfounded at intersections and, to my chagrin,
lovers fumbling in the hedgerows. So, once again (well,
actually for the eighth time), I tried to trace my steps
from checkpoint No. 1. Dizzy, dehydrated and without a real
sense of direction, on the verge of giving up hope, I followed
other people until I felt another sneakily placed map in
my pocket.
The real rush of a maze is the unknown, the confusion,
the drunken stumble-bumble through a field like a test mouse.
My original excitement and fear yielded to a sense of accomplishment
and rush of the senses.
Mazing is work, and getting lost is just part of the
fun. Try these:
The City MAiZE
Although I was never lost in this maze, it does seem to
be the pick for kids, thanks to its agri-trivia and well-manicured
corn paths. Having packed in a whopping 30,000 folks last
year, the commercialized MAiZE is swell for off-road wheelchairs
but unchallenging for the hardcore mazer who really wants
to get lost. Neatly placed smack-dab in the middle of the
Pumpkin Patch on Sauvie Island, the two miles of twists
and turns contain an inner-maze water lounge and a cleanliness
found only at the zoo. At one point, my drunken roommate
was so bored he pushed me through an orange-taped barrier
into the brush and we began to wrestle in the dirt. After
that, we leisurely found the exit. All in all, this was
the Multnomah Falls of corn patches--good for Grandma to
run, while those pesky drunk engineering majors slurp sherry
at its clean corny center.
Rating: Places in the Heart, for Sally Field
sterility, but still good, clean family fun.
The Pumpkin Patch, Highway 30 west to Sauvie Island,
left off bridge, follow signs, 621-3874. 10 am-6 pm Monday-Thursday,
10 am-10 pm Friday-Saturday. Ends Oct. 31. $4-$6. (www.
thepumpkinpatch.com)
The Smoochin' Salmon Run
Also on Sauvie Island is the Kruger farm's own vegetable
system of horror, two mazes shaped like kissing salmon.
As a newer maze on the isle, the Salmon Run isn't as smooth
as the MAiZE, but for serious maze runners it offers more
of a challenge. At its apex, it converges on a well-placed
"watchtower," enabling mazers to survey their travels through
the spanking 9.5 acres. Mostly challenging (and slightly
disorganized), the haphazard scatter of corn is beautiful
as pathways break down into rougher areas and everything
starts to look the same. Owner Don Kruger walked me through
the maze (slightly lost himself), pointing out wild flowers
and mentioning that when they built the maze, the workers
lost the rototiller inside.
Rating: Nightmare on Elm Street (since it
is Kruger's maze), for its wild, devilish delight and expansive,
eerie feel.
Kruger Farms, 17100 NW Sauvie Island Road, 621-3489.
10 am-9 pm Monday-Thursday, 10 am-11 pm Friday-Saturday,
10 am-6 pm Sunday. Ends Oct. 31. $3-$5, Monday half-price.
Corny Canby Camel
By far the best corn maze in Oregon, Hoffman's Dairy Garden
in Canby not only sports an 8-acre maze traced from 350,000
corn stalks but has a genuine Blair Witch hick flair.
In the shape of the Hoffmans' star animal, a Brahma bull
named Camel, the two pathways (color-coded red and blue
on the silly map) never cross except at a ladder/platform
known as Barfly Bridge, somewhere near the center, where
cocktails are mixed with glee. No luxury, no catered niceties,
just pure claustrophobia. The maze is a lax, friendly and
attainable jaunt through the country and has a real mazer's
flair: Get lost and get lost good. This is a sleazy corn
motel for would-be lovers (I did a little smooching in the
rough myself) and also an established drinking hole for
corn-whiskey wannabes who are a little hazy on the idea
of a good field crawl.
Rating: Blair Witch Deluxe--scary, dark,
some markers never found (don't worry, the sequel will reveal
everything).
Hoffman's Dairy Garden, 6815 S Knights Bridge Road,
Canby, 266-4703, or www.hoffmanfamilyfarms.com.
$3-$6.
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