QUEER WINDOW

GAY FOR PAY: The New New Economy

by BYRON BECK
bbeck@wweek.com

Heterosexuals: Need extra cash--but don't want to work too hard for it?

How 'bout becoming gay for a day, or at least for a few hours per week? That's right! There's money
to be made in them thar DINK-filled queer hills, and you'd be a fool not
to cash in on what amounts to a gayland gold rush.

Don't believe me? Just ask local freelance photographer Ben Guzman. When he isn't shooting breaking news stories, he's serving shots of the good stuff at the much-more-than-gay-friendly Three Friends Coffeehouse in Southeast Portland. A few months back, straight boy Ben walked into this gay establishment and basically came out with a job.

"Coffee schleps ho themselves in the name of money," says Guzman. "We are social whores. We give people what they want so they'll give us a dollar. On Saturdays I become a sex object for the price of a latte."

But don't get greedy. It's not that easy. There are a few rules you'll need to follow in order to glean a gay dollar.

First step: Open your eyes. We are absolutely everywhere! And open your mind. We are not stupid people. We can spot an insincere fag lover from 50 paces.

Second step: Smile hard. Queer folk love a cheery face (it replaces all those ugly earlier memories of lying face-first in a mound of dirt behind the baseball diamond).

Third step: Find a job that gets you up close to queer folk--especially their pocketbooks.

Now that you've mastered these easy steps, it's time to find you an occupation that best suits your new tradesmanship and will get you the biggest bang for a queer buck.

Here are a few jobs where you can be gay for pay:

Actor/Actress: Porn might be the obvious choice for those of you who want to make money off a homolicious bubble butt. But, for those of you who'd prefer to stay off the Jefferson Theater's XXX silver screen, we suggest you try a more direct route to your audience: Audition for a local queer-flavored theater company. These folks would love nothing better than to see you baring your presumedly gay ass-ets in the name of "art." Just make sure you don't leave your best "work" on the casting couch.

Barista: Caffeine tends to breed complex--and extremely loyal--relationships between coffee pimps and their java junkies. As a fey barista, you will end up with more intimate information about the g/l/b/t's in your neighborhood than the average hairdresser, priest or gynecologist. This comes in handy when the tip jar runs dry (and blackmail becomes a viable option). And word is that the tips are very, very good--especially if you pull your shots in a pair of tight-fitting Levi's short-shorts.

Bartender: Same as above. Replace coffee beans and scones with alcohol and smoke. Replace tight shorts with a loose halter top (for girls) or tight tank top (for boys).

Exotic Dancer: Love to dance? Love to get naked? Pair your love of movement with a pair of thong panties and you too can shake your groove thing at any number of local dives. But a word of warning: If you dance in a queer joint, at least pretend that you get off by being touched by a gay guy. Nothing hurts a homo more than slipping a few dollars in the g-string of a "gay" go-go boy only to see it plopped down in front of a group of giggling gals.

Shrink: Gay people have lots and lots of issues. If you think you are up to the challenge, and you have the appropriate amount of training, your counseling service will end up with more patients than Dr. Laura at an ex-gay summer camp.

Now get to work!