Feed QW: Send savory bits of information to Byron Beck at bbeck@
wweek.com at least 10 days prior to publication.

Poison Waters' Church of the Poison Mind continues this Sunday afternoon at the Silverado. With a free buffet and beer bust, it's also an opportunity to worship at the altar of some hot nekkid men.

recent queer window columns:

1/24
A victim of a hate crime 1/17
The Gay 90's 1/10
Coupling Up
1/3
Word Up: "heteroflexible"
12/27
2001 PreDICKtions

QUEER WINDOW

Men Behaving BADLY

by BYRON BECK
bbeck@wweek.com

Last weekend, I saw you straighties at the holiest of glory holes: the Embers. You know that place, right? Well, let me tell you something: I was there first. I know that place like I know my own monkey spanker. I can tell you the best place to cool off (under the fan near the dance floor), why Harriett was the best bouncer (she let me sneak in for free when I was a scrawny little twerp). And I could share stories with you that would straighten your pubic hair.

This is my place, not yours. So step off.

That goes especially for all you straight dudes. You're cute, but you're not that cute. How could you be? After watching the way you've been behaving lately, I've come to care less how you hit it in the sack. I'm too busy feeling sorry for you.

I mean, what friggin' planet do you think you live on? Wasn't it enough to try to dress, cut your locks and shave your nuts like us? Then you had to go and try to strut like a fag, too. You even try to dance like us (best het giveaway: straight boys can't dance). And for over a decade, you've been soupin' up your sorry-ass weekends by taking over our queer clubs (Embers, the Brig). Why? Is it some faint hope you'll have some titillating tale of how you (almost) got hit on by a drag queen?

Well, enough already!

But, hey, if you insist on going to my queer joint (it is a free country, for now), let's get a few things, um, straight.

10 Rules for Straight Guys in Gay Clubs:

1. Don't act like a fag: We're here. We're queer. You're not!

2. Don't pick fights: You boys have enough sporting rituals (wrestling, football) that allow you to touch the skin of other men, so get your fuckin' hands off me!

3. Masturbate more: Will alleviate the need to do #2.

4. Treat her like a lady: If you come here with a woman, be with your woman. Isn't the whole reason you're here to hang out with a chick--not act like a dick?

5. Not every gal here is a lesbian stripper: Save that fantasy for the men's room at Mary's Club.

6. Don't be surprised if someone grabs your ass: You may have the most homo-licious ass in town, but the reality is most people are just trying to get to the dance floor.

7. Don't act like a dawg: Dry-humping doesn't look attractive on anybody, so quit the Ricky Martin bon-bon shaking bullshit.

8. Quit taking up the dance floor: Leave all the hand gestures, head bobs and leg work to the professionals (i.e. nelly queens).

9. Drag queens are not all looking for dick: Well, maybe they are, come to think of it.

10. All the dudes here are straight: Fags don't hang out at the big queer clubs on the weekend. So quit gawking at the boys--someone might think you're gay.