QUEER WINDOW

Master Bateman!

by BYRON BECK
bbeck@wweek.com

Today's topic: the state of queer television.

More precisely, Holly-wired's attempt to capture the non-homo viewing audience with its latest homoffering (stupidly) called Some of My Best Friends.

Never heard of it? Neither had I. And, for this tube whore, this comes as a total shock. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined (say just a few Ellen-ish seasons ago) that the networks would haul out the next big gay show and not let us homos in on the secret.

How rude!

You can't really blame gay folk for not noticing this ripoff of the 1997 queer indie Kiss Me, Guido. Lately we've been busy with the fabu Judy Garland bio-flick and the fatuous Queer As Folk. And when we're not watching the clearly queer stuff, we've had our hands full with the homolicious honeys on Survivor. Or we've been laughing our asses off at whippet quick Will & Grace.

And there's the rub. Just as Millionaire and Survivor have made it hard for like-minded shows to remain in the rough-and-tumble ratings world, the glorious W&G makes other gay schtick-coms seem like pale reflections of an original. I mean, really, how can you out-Jack Jack? It would be stupid even to try. But oh, how the networks do try, in the belief that imitation is the highest form of television.

On Some of My Best Friends, pale imitation comes in the form of its leads. Justine's lil' bro, Jason Bateman (remember him as James on Little House on the Prairie?), takes a twirl as the Will-like Warren. As best friend Vern, Alec Mapa makes Sean Hayes look like The Rock. And instead of Grace, we get Danny Nucci as Frankie (Remember him? He's the Italian dude who's smooshed by a smokestack in Titanic). Here he plays a big salami who mistakes a roommate ad titled GWM as "Guy With Money." Along for the ride are family members who have little value, except to perpetuate stereotypes about Italians and sisters.

Although knockout Nucci struts around in nothing more than a towel for most of the first show, it's about as titillating as an old episode of Green Acres. Still, this show does have potential, courtesy of Master Bateman. Freed from the shackles of Nellie Oleson, Jason seems to relish swishin' it up in his apartment full of Barbra memorabilia--including an oddly scene-stealing poster of Yentl. He's also cute as a puppy. But no matter how cute Jason might be, unless this show gets a healthy dose of chemistry--real quick--it too will go the way of Michael Landon.

And that might be a good thing.

Because the last thing I want to hear out of a straight person's mouth is "Who knew being gay could be so boring?"