Does anyone else get depressed watching the Olympics? I mean
please! All those clean-shaven chests, million-dollar
smiles and bubble butts that could crack walnuts...it's enough
to drive an old queen to the verge of suicideor right
back to the gym.
It's become so bad that even my boyfriend/lover/life partner
has taken up the search for a firm set of six-pack abs via
his newly purchased home torso trainer, a.k.a. "The Terminator."
But for many male members of the ab crowd, only the gym
will do. It seems they prefer sweating it out in the company
of other sweaty men (and women). Besides the obvious benefits
of a basic workout, these muscle-packin' dudes have the
sanctioned opportunity to participate in an intricate ritual
of touching the skin of other men.
For all you boys-who-like-boys, though, a note of caution:
Straight men are on to your game.
Just ask my friend Aaron. On the verge of getting hitched
(to a female, natch), the A-man asks me the same question
after each of his morning constitutionals: "Why do more
men than women pay attention to me at the gym?"
My response is always the same: "Because they can!"
Since the days of the first Olympic Greek gods, gorgeous
guys have bonded through the art of physical activities.
Somehow competition breeds contentment, and there is nothing
sweeter than beefcake after the burn.
Not that Aaron minds the attention. Secretly, he's thrilled
by it. And of course, all this staring from the StairMaster
has led Aaron to ask me that "other" age-old question: "Do
I look gay?"
No, Aaron. You don't look gay.
It's just hard fact that no one--man, woman or bi transgendered
amputee--is safe from homogling at the gym. I guess it's
all the testosterone that's being thrown around.
Come on! It has to go somewhere! And it might as well be
flung at the cool-looking dude with the black nail polish,
full-body tattoos and punky hair.
Alongside humpy hormones, an acutely developed psychic
phenom called "gaydar" also goes into high gear every time
a gay boy ventures too close to a gym. It keeps him from
making a total ass out of himself.
But for some reason gaydar shuts down every time one of
these homos catches sight of a stiff straight dude doing
the clean and jerk. Hey, it's not their fault they want
to go for the gold.
Gay men are just playing by the rules that govern the overall
goodwill of any gym--and make it super easy to stare at
the backside of backstroke king Lenny Krayzelburg.
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