How well do you
know the texture and feel of your snooze button? Is it permanently
indented with the shape of your weak, pathetic, groggy morning
fingers? Perhaps it's time to wake up to something new, something
different, something...less alarming.
1. RUDE AWAKENING ALARM CLOCK AND RADIO
$24.99
at Spencer Gifts, various locations
"Get out of bed or you'll be flippin' burgers for the rest
of your life!" shouts an amazingly annoying male voice in
lieu of a standard ringer. Why in the world would anyone
want to hear that first thing in the morning? Masochism?
Self-loathing? Tough love? The voice continues to assault
with fresh insults (i.e., "C'mon, I said get your lazy ass
out of bed, right NOW!" or "Listen, lazy bones...it's time
to get your butt to work, NOW!") for 60 seconds, and then
repeats itself. Strangely, the voice never suggests you
take yourself on a long stroll down the Self Help aisle
at Powell's.
2. SOUND SPA TRAVELER BY HOMEDICS BODY BASICS
$26.99
at GNC, various locations
Have you ever been lifted out of sleep by the sound of
ocean waves or light spring rain? It's high time you tried.
The makers of this sleek alarm clock claim you can both
fall asleep and wake to the seven different soothing sounds
it provides, including ocean waves, white noise, wind and
a mountain spring. The sounds are relaxing and subtle--maybe
too subtle to pull you out of your REM cycle for that 6
am business flight. But rest assured, you can always revert
back to the standard buzzer option included on the clock.
3. OPTIMUS AM/FM KIDS CLOCK RADIO
$19.95
at Radio Shack, various locations
Really, there shouldn't be such a thing as a children's
alarm clock. Why do kids need to get up at any given hour?
They're kids, for Chrissake; days of toil that demand one
to be ripped from a cozy cocoon of bedding must be staved
off as long as possible. But if you grown-ups feel that
regression is the key to survival in this helter-skelter
world, bring this burst of saccharine sunshine into your
den. Reveille choices include "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"
or (groan) "Mambo #5". The red-blue-and-yellow plastic mechanism
has big buttons with both words and pictures on them. This
is an especially apt gift choice for fresh college grads
who will soon find out what the "real world" is all about.
4. AFFIRMATION STATION BY NOW AND ZEN
$79 on sale
at The Clock Works, 2306 NE Glisan St., 238-1995
"I am the fairest of them all. I am the fairest of them
all. I am the fairest of them all." Wake up more refreshed
than Sleeping Beauty herself with this feel-good alarm clock.
You get to record whatever fawning, invigorating mantra
you wish. Let's contemplate some probable celebrity affirmations.
Tommy Lee: "I fucking rock!"; Madonna: "My body is a (Buddhist)
temple"; President Clinton: "I'm a frisky son-of-a-gun,
sure am." Now and Zen maintains that personal affirmations
are most effective when they are heard on the cusp of consciousness,
repeated several times in your own voice. But aren't we
all grossed out by the sound of our own voices? Don't you
just cringe when you listen to your voicemail's outgoing
message? Another problem with the gadget: Imagine it in
the hands of a little brother. "Sis, you suck and this New
Age junk isn't making you any prettier, so give it up."
5. ZEN ALARM CLOCK BY NOW AND ZEN
$109 at New Renaissance Bookshop,1338 NW 23rd
Ave., 224-4929
Your world is inevitably filled with the noise of traffic
jams, advertising jingles, incoming faxes and choppy cellular
calls. Do you really want to start the day with a screeching
buzzer more aggravating than an 18-decibel siren? Would
you believe that lush chimes could slowly and softly coax
you out of slumber, instead? Provided the car alarm next
door doesn't get to you first, the Zen Alarm Clock rouses
with a series of soft, E-note chimes. The first snooze period
lasts four minutes; chimes continue to sound off in shorter
intervals, eventually ringing every four seconds until disabled.
The clock's lovely wake-up call matches its handsome, hand-polished
wood casing. Bonus: The Zen clock is purported to aid dream
recall, the theory being that you're less likely to have
your reverie shocked right out of memory if you awake less
abruptly.
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Willamette Week | originally
published December 8,
1999
|
