Election Night. Rain. I was out of money but determined to
mark our great feast of democracy the same way I always do.
Like any sane American, I would get cross-eyed. Hunkered at
home in front of the television, I choked down the vodka and
gin left over from my last party. Both bottles were plastic;
one even had tin-foil wrapped around its mouth as a makeshift
cap, a superb example of Skid Row engineering. Lucky for me,
I had an open bottle of tonic to throw in as a mixer. Too
bad there was no fizz left. I had to sit there on my couch,
grin and bear it.
[Please note: The above paragraph contained an election
metaphor.]
On TV, there they were. Our two possible future leaders,
battling it out for the world to see, neither caring if
they needed to show a little skin or kiss a little ass to
win. No, they didn't care. But I cared. You have to understand
the basic, underlying need of all Americans. We need our
buzz. Whether it be alcohol, tobacco, Mary Jane, pornography,
the ponies, the talk shows, whatever. We need it. And if
we don't have it, we lose it. Thanks to this unique peepshow
of an election, the world knows it. How will the Other Powers
take advantage of this hole in our soul? More importantly,
how will it affect me, Max T. Malt, and the issues I care
about?
The superbly creepy ex-spook V. Putin could pull his nation's
No. 1 export off the market. You would cry, cry cry: $20
bloody Marys, $15 greyhounds, $30 for a double screwdriver.
The possibilities are so horrific, I'm stocking my bomb
shelter with as much Kettle One as I can. I will survive.
The Italians, finally hip to the fact that our political
system is nearly as cancerous as theirs, may freeze us with
a ban on the export of sweet vermouth. No Martinis with
a splash. Whoever becomes Prez (and at deadline time, they
still hadn't sorted it out), he'll have a national crisis
on his hands immediately.
OPEC will continue to screw with oil-production levels.
This makes American rednecks work harder to earn more money
to pay their heating and gasoline bills. As a result, these
same Citizens of our brave nation will have an even sharper
desire to relax after a longer day, drinking even more cheap
beer than they usually do. According to the laws of supply
and demand, beer prices will skyrocket, causing the economy
to suffer.
So my advice? Sink your cash into rum futures, stay away
from suspiciously cheap vodka (blindness, y'know), and learn
to love the taste of tequila. Because when the Mexicans
finally figure out that the Lights Are On But No One's Home
up here, it'll be time for their revenge for 1848. They
don't like to drink alone, and they can get mighty thirsty.
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