BY SUEY CHOW

If you have a question, write to me at:
Suey Chow
Willamette Week
822 SW 10th Ave.
Portland, OR 97205
e-mail:sueychow@pobox.com


Read previous Dinner Palace of Love columns.


Dear Suey,
I've had constant problems with orgasms, ever since I lost my virginity about 11 years ago. I am 29 years old, female, and I do not understand why it is so difficult for me to orgasm but I just cannot orgasm from penetration (intercourse). I wonder, is this common for a lot of women my age, or am I just frigid? I am a little too "mature" to have these problems.

--Hopelessly in Need of an Orgasmatron

Dear Orgasmatron,
In this century, these devices are called vibrators, and I do recommend experimenting with them. Many healthily orgasmic women are helped over the hump with a little hand- or battery-powered stimulation, and most partners of HOWs are only too glad to help, once you tell them that's what you want. Don't worry, this is all perfectly normal; in fact, modern books on women's health have downgraded the vaginal orgasm from "the only way to gratify his sexual ego" all the way down to "fine if you have one, but who cares if you don't." If you're absolutely determined to ride with no hands, you could read more books and fuss with hip angles, but many women find this a distraction from having more orgasms.

--Suey

Dear Suey,
I am a 30-year-old straight, single male who is about to relocate to Portland from a large East Coast city. Other than the co-workers I will meet at my new job, who by and large are older and married, I don't know a soul in Portland. My impression of Portland is that it's an older crowd that's mostly married. Is my impression correct? Where are the places I can go to meet available women?

--New in Town

Dear New,
Ahem. Median age in Portland is ever so slightly higher than the national average. However, I was raised in a gated retirement community (San Diego), and to my mind, this place seems as good as any other for scoping out mating material. For one thing, the relative number of waitpeople obsessed with karaoke of the '80s and '90s is quite strong in this part of the country. For another, lack of sunlight plus plenty of yoga ensures youthful-looking skin.

Still, dating in Portland has its quirks. For example, it might be helpful to live downtown, not in the suburbs. I'm not saying it's required for a social life, just relatively obligatory. Too many Portlanders think freeways are for getting to Seattle; too many think the MAX is for reaching the edges of the known universe. That means, unless they can get to your place by walking, biking, skateboard or Vespa, they might be reluctant to come home with you.

You might also consider becoming extremely involved in something, anything. Whether the result of caffeine overdosing or a remnant of the pioneering spirit, a DIY aesthetic still grips this city. It's not enough for everyone to stand around in mules and get drunk--you must do so while learning to rock climb, salsa, play euchre, trim bonsai trees and/or produce video from discarded hubs. Don't worry, you can join a club or film society (the basic unit of Portland's social scene). But without such distractions to bind them together, your friends (and potential life partners) will get fidgety and wander off to mix house paint or thrift-shop.

The other stuff you probably know about: getting out of the house, friends of coworkers, personal ads, kink-based mailing lists, living with roommates to stave off loneliness and bankruptcy. Is dating more difficult in Portland than in other cities? Yes and no. It rains a lot around here; heroin use and free time have slipped from their all-time high; nobody pays enough to buy your books. As in other cities, it depends on what you make of it.

--Suey


Previous Columns:

5/5/99

  -Crushed out on movie stars
5/12/99  

-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid she's a stalker!

5/19/99   -How to buy a dildo
5/26/99   -Do you think it's OK to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a gay man.
6/2/99   -Should I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just her money?
6/9/99   -My boyfriend feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my ex?
6/16/99   -dildos can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men?
6/23/99  

-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking

6/30/99   -black man seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer
  -My lover is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do
7/14/99   -Buying porn
7/21/99  

-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married

7/28/99

-My girlfriend is obsessed with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend

8/4/99  

-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love and sex.

8/11/99   -I'm 19, but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal?
8/18/99  

-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for two weeks.

8/25/99  

-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight, and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance any more.

9/1/99  

-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?

9/8/99  

-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my life?

9/15/99

-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.

9/22/99   -My boyfriend doesn't like my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac.
9/29/99 -I can't reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies.
10/6/99   -How to date with the teenage children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush.
10/13/99 -I've never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend?
10/20/99   -How should I discuss my spanking fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'?
10/27/99   -My wife wants to have sex with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem.
11/03/99   -Why does every woman of quality have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men.
11/10/99   -A friend of mine has eyes for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends
11/17/99   -I'm a frustrated 16-year-old male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an ex-boyfriend.
11/24/99   -Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart
12/01/99   -I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless?
12/08/99   -My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic
12/15/99   -I love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's millenium-worthy
12/22/99   -What's your opinion on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me
12/28/99   -Should I get back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats?
1/5/00   -My phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's fiancée
1/12/00   -I think I'm addicted to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser
1/19/00  

-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible

1/26/00   -Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness
2/2/00   -It's Desperate Hunky Man Week!
2/9/00   -Is making out with a drunk friend a bad idea?
2/16/00  

-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.

2/23/00  

-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the personals?

3/01/00   -My boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day?
3/08/00   -What should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages?
3/15/00   -I love performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler.
3/22/00   -My girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want another right now?
4/12/00   -I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love.
4/19/00   -My ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling. I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time?
4/26/00   -My guy's so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair with an older man
5/03/00   -I'm an ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend.
5/10/00   -Suey hears from the virgins
5/17/00   -What do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to get women in bed?
5/24/00   -I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird.
5/31/00   -Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
6/7/00   -"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative, religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem to be my specialty.
6/14/00   -My best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained, what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers and all that?
6/21/00   - There's this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually date or have casual sex?
6/28/00   -I'm involved in a relationship that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed?
7/04/00   - I met this wonderful girl...
7/12/00   -I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
7/19/00   - Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches?
7/26/00   -I think I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next level.
8/2/00  

- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25. Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are naive. I'll help you set them straight.

8/9/00   -Just when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself?
8/16/00  

-My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when he's out with his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.

-The world's biggest ass

8/23/00   -A year ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years with another woman. How can I fix this? He is freaking out.
-Oh Ms. Chow, in this case you're wrong
8/30/00  

-When do you tell someone you're dating that you have hepatitis?

9/6/00   -Clueless fellow in deeply sordid situation
-I'm beginning to suspect a connection between chemical dependency and emotional dependency, or maybe between fitness and emotional independence.
-Is there any way to turn down a bridesmaid offer without offending?
9/13/00   -My wife doesn't want to have sex anymore
-I used to be in the sex service profession, should I tell the man I'm about to marry?
9/20/00   -I started playing out some of my fantasies with my lover in the last year. Things have gotten complex.
- I explained that nail polish is only for girls, to which my son insisted, "I'm a girl too!"
9/27/00   -I'm dating my close friend's ex-husband
-Even though he is gonna dump me after having sex, I still want go out with him.
10/04/00   -Three straight guys agree: Hey, what's with the ladies?
10/11/00   -Are there side-effects to jerking off?
-I'm married, he's married, we're deeply in love with each other and having an affair. And now he's asking me to marry him.
10/18/00   -I have recently gotten out of a yearlong relationship with someone I considered my best friend...now, heartbroken.
10/25/00   - I'm fascinated and infatuated with the parking valet boys at Bluehour.
- I am wondering why I am finding it so difficult to meet that special person.
11/1/00   - I am unable to make my girlfriend orgasm through intercourse or oral sex.
- The chronically ill have to realize that their life-and-death medical tragedies aren't the only problems in the world! What about the mental discomfort of the physically healthy?
11/8/00   - This asshole stripper is giving me the run around
- I love my husband, but in the last few months, every little thing about him drives me crazy.
11/14/00   -I am in love with a man who wants all the benefits of a long-term, committed relationship without the commitment.
- I'm a 30-year-old gay man who has yet to be in a significant relationship.
11/21/00   - My prom date and I encountered each other at a party after not seeing each other for 14 years, one week after I suffered a near-fatal accident.
-There aren't any men out there willing to settle down with a simple country girl. I live and breathe country.
11/28/00   - Can you explain to me why women hate shy men?
- Why do men hate women?
12/05/00   - I accidentally came across a cache of porn on her computer, mostly of nude women. Is my mother a lesbian?
-My father keeps a huge stash of porn on his computer.


 

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