Don't Miss (Dish) the action photos
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GENTLE READERS,
Miss Dish has long been intrigued by the idea of submerging
a turkey in a vat of oil and frying it up in 45 minutes.
This is a style of cooking perfected in Louisiana, where
playing with fire outdoors is a civic duty, and the more
grease, the better. By all accounts, frying creates a bird
that's moist on the inside and crispy on the outside, and
it takes a third as long as oven-cooking. Miss Dish and
her posse of poultry lovers gathered on a recent evening
to make a mess of mistakes so you don't have to.
1) The turkey. A proud 13 1/2 pounder.
Miss Dish got it free at Freddy's with a coupon. It was
one of those Norbest numbers. Miss Dish defrosted it in
the fridge for 24 hours and the damn bird was still frozen
inside (hint: try defrosting for 48 hours). Emergency measures
were taken; the bird was submerged in hot water to loosen
it up. In all the hubbub, the bag of giblets was left inside.
DON'T DO THIS VERY STUPID THING.
Some of the recipes Miss Dish checked out recommended injecting
the turkey with Cajun seasonings. This sounded alluring,
but since we really wanted to taste the bird at face value,
we only rubbed some spices onto it.
2) The equipment.
All of your needs can be met at G.I. Joe's (Eastport Plaza).
The all-in-one kit ($79.99) includes a stand to put the
26-quart pot on, a hose to hook up the propane tank, a thermometer,
a basket to lower the bird into the pot and a metal thingy
to lift the basket out of the oil. For $44.99, Miss Dish
hauled away a filled propane tank; $19.99 got her 2.5 gallons
of peanut oil. Total tally, bird excluded: $144.97. It's
steep, but remember, you'll be set for life.
Sage advice: You must fry outside. You must fry
away from your house. You must fry with no children or pets
around.
3) The preparation.
It takes a good 30 minutes to heat the oil. Always check
the thermometer; when it hits 350 degrees, it's ready to
receive. Make sure the turkey is dry. Wear a lot of goofy
protective garb, because you never know what will happen
when you're playing with hot oil. Make sure the bird is
cooking at 350 degrees. NEVER LET THE OIL GET HOTTER THAN
THAT OR THE WHOLE THING MIGHT EXPLODE AND THAT WOULD SUCK.
When the bird has bathed for about 3 minutes per pound,
lift the basket and let all the excess oil drip. Swaddle
the gobbler with paper towels to remove excess drippings.
Let it cool, then cut it up and serve.
4) The reality of our situation.
The bird was slightly frozen; this affected our ability
to cook on time. We complete idiots left the giblet packet
in the bird; this left a weird pink patch inside. A propane
line came loose at one point and we couldn't get the temp
up to the required 350 degrees for about a half-hour. So,
it took us over an hour to cook the thing, and though we
stuck a thermometer inside the bird and it seemed the right
temp, there were still some sushi-ish spots. This experiment
proved challenging but not impossible. So far, none of our
highly trained eaters has gotten sick.
5) The verdict.
Problems aside, many believed this bird's skin was one
of the best they'd ever had. It had that nice, crispy brown
coating many people fantasize about. Some lamented the loss
of that "oven-roasted taste," but all agreed the meat was
moist. Some parts were rubbery (mostly in the dark meat),
and without a marinade, some found the flavor rather dull.
Many said that if we didn't screw up, this genre of cooking
turkey could kick ass.
 Don't
be a jive turkey: Make sure you give your bird plenty of
time to chill out. We had to give
ours a hot bath at the last minute. And don't forget to
take the giblets out; we did, and boy was it gross!
 We
seasoned our bird lightly with pepper (black and cayenne)
and Old Bay, which was kind of boring, but we wanted to
taste the bird at its word. Some people like to inject the
turkey with Cajun seasonings or other tantalizing spice
combinations.
 Even
though you risk looking like a developmentally disabled
hockey player, wearing saftey gear is SMART!
 Voila!
The skin was a perfect crispy brown. Too bad about those
pink spots inside!
 We
ate it anyway. And nobody got sick...at least not yet. Comments
ranged from "This is the best skin ever!" to "I miss the
oven-roasted taste." In the end, the bird was decimated
by the hungry crew.
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