Satan Visits Bluehour
Swan Island Becomes Fabulousand Other Peeks into the Future

by CARYN B. BROOKS
cbrooks@wweek.com

GENTLE READERS,

Isn't the end of the year just plain spooky? All that nostalgia runs rampant, and somehow, even though the year may not have been at all momentous, you find yourself wading through the swamps of yesterday with a magnifying glass taped to your eye. Miss Dish says stop. Look forward. If you squint hard enough, you can see things that haven't even happened yet. Such as...

* The Devil comes a-lookin' for Bruce Carey's soul at Bluehour.

Bruce is smart. Bruce is suave. Bruce can't make a bad restaurant if he tries. Sorry, no one's that lucky. In 2001, Lucifer will come to redeem the account that's payable to him. Bluehour will morph into a hellmouth and the Wieden & Kennedy kids will be forced
to bring sack lunches to work. Saucebox becomes Satan's playground, where Lucifer wines and dines the souls he's courting.

* The Greek Cusina will be listed as the No. 1 greatest Portland restaurant EVER in next year's Zagat.

The people will demand a hand count.

* Chickpeas replace beets as the championed underappreciated vegetable of the moment.

* Lamb chops kick beef steak out of the running as the favorite choice cut.

* Food critics are sent to the electric chair.

An Internet poll will reveal that most people believe restaurant critics are worthless individuals who eat for free and can never be satisfied. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia will uphold a lower court decision in Texas vs. Restaurant Critics, Especially Those Jews at The New York Times. The critics will be rounded up and fried until golden brown, almost tempura-like but with shades of chicken Southern-style.

* Portland will give up on the Great Krispy Kreme Hope and decide that Tastykakes are just as good, if not better.

* After a quick clean-up campaign, Swan Island is deemed the new Restaurant Row.

West Hillers crow about the gritty realism, the blue-collar adventurism, the wafting scent of fresh pollution.

* Following in his father's footsteps, but
not to be outdone, Dubya declares broccoli yummy and spinach yucky.