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QUEER WINDOW
THE WEDDING
PARTY
by
BYRON BECK
bbeck@wweek.com
Tony
N' Tina's Wedding
Ceremony
commences at the First Unitarian Church,
1011 SW 12th Ave., 790-2787. 7 pm Wednesday-Friday, 5
pm Saturday-Sunday, 8:30 pm Saturday through March 18.
$46.50-$65.50.
Girls have infiltrated
the last bastion for boys who like nasty boys, and not everyone is
pleased. These aren't just any girls. We're talking about desperate
women who are at the end of the rope--bachelorettes.
Yes, it's true.
Brides-to-be have discovered the erotic appeal of the men-only clubhouse
called Three Sisters Tavern. This homo haunt, a.k.a. Six Tits, a.k.a.
Trois Soeur, is home to the most notorious male strip show
in the city. It's the only manhole I know where fags can watch naked
men (dubbed The Powerboys) cover their penises in whipped cream
and--no joke--stick matches in them and set them on fire! Women
are not fools. They know all they need to do is follow the gay guys
to get close to the best of God's creations.
I recently contributed
to this cross-cultural phenomenon by escorting Tina and her bridesmaids
from the theatrical experience Tony N' Tina's Wedding to
Three Sisters to see what might happen. Well, the truth is,
I always wanted in on a bachelorette party, and this was one way
to cross it off my list of things to do.
Tina Vitale
was supposed to have her "bachelorette party" prior to her "wedding."
But somehow her bridesmaids screwed the whole thing up. To make
amends, they talked Tina into having the bachelorette party after
the wedding. That's why these ladies rolled up to Three Sisters
in a sleek Rolls Royce Phantom V with me in tow. Watching these
women in full wedding drag sashaying their way to the lip of the
stage was like when Laverne & Shirley show up on Happy Days--almost
too good to be true.
The ladies seemed
a bit apprehensive at first (women have to pay twice as much cover
charge as men on Friday and Saturday so they don't overrun the place),
but they quickly warmed up to the show. With a few bucks tucked
neatly in her ample bosom, the recently betrothed Tina left no ball
unturned in her efforts to have one last fling.
Here's some
expert analysis of the show from a female perspective:
Tina on Tarzan
(longhaired stud muffin): "I've always had a fantasy of hanging
from the ceiling during sex so I like that this guy is gymnastic.
His hair is good for pulling, too."
Donna (bridesmaid)
on Mateo (a Latin lover): "He's not as talented as the others
are, but everybody's got to put food on their table. He deserves
a break today."
Connie on
Ice (a Muscles from Brussels look-alike): "Oh. My. God. Oh!
My! God! OH! MY! GOD!"
Tina on Tre
(of fire-breathing-penis fame): "As I blew out his penis I made
a wish for true love for me and Tony. Isn't that romantic?"
Marina (bridesmaid)
on Envy (a green-thonged buck): "Who knew a balding, naked man
could be so beautiful?"
Tina on Paperboy
(a charmer with a really big snake): "That's the first time--and
the last time--I will ever let a man sit on my face."
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