A friend of mine named Mitzi has a problem with work. She
doesn't like it.
She's a cute ,straight girl with a trucker's mouth, and
she has problems with ladies too. Mitzi thinks her gal pals
either hate her or want to "do" her. That's why you'll always
find Miss Where's-the-Party with a cocktail in one hand
and a gay boy in the other. Over the years this unabashed
fag hag (she's been to five circuit parties!) has made several
attempts to secure a position in the local service industry:
shop girl, serving wench and, as of late, sales representative
for a large carpet company.
For that particular job, Miss Thing lugged a huge satchel
of nubby fibers to flooring clients all over the Northwest.
Recently, though, Miss Can't-Keep-a-Job ditched her gig;
she was plain tired of peddling small patches of fur in
places like Pocatello and Tukwila. But that doesn't mean
she wasn't proud of what she did. On the contrary. Mitzi
loves to tell, to anyone who'll listen, that she once sold
the "Armani" of floor covering, what she calls "cum-proof"
carpet.
Created by a major manufacturer (Mitzi refuses to divulge
her resources due to some hush-hush agreement), "cum-proof"
carpeting is most often used (where else?) in bushwhacking,
homo-fantasy haunts such as military barracks and college
dorms. Both colorfast and soil-resistant, according to Mitzi,
the secret to this magic carpet's yarn system is something
known as the colloidal emulsive process. Or, in lay carpet
terms, it's the same thing that dry cleaners do for clothing--it
protects.
And us gay men just love protection, don't we?
For those gay men (and not-so-gay men) who have problems
with aim, this foolproof solution is nothing short of a
miracle. Just think. No more awkward explanations to friends
or 'rents regarding just exactly what that spot is.
Just a quick wipe and--voilá!--your carpet
is no longer caught with its pants down.
This new process is so hot that when Mitzi retrieved her
recently stolen car from Beaver Towing, all her carpet samples
had been snatched.
But how does the average Joe Blow get this miracle carpet?
Despite the fact that we walk all over their products every
day, carpet stores are dignified home-furnishing ateliers
that demand respectful patrons. One doesn't go barreling
into a rug store and politely ask for "cum-proof" carpet.
To avoid embarrassment when purchasing this unique process,
please ask for the type of floor covering with the heavy-duty,
Dupont-made stain protector.
They'll know what you mean.
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