Angelina Jolie: some lips!

Like the new fall television line-up or the holiday movie season, the New Year always holds surprises. Gazing deep into the crystal ball, I see some exciting--and scary--things happening in the entertainment business in 2001.

* With George W. Bush taking office, stand-up comedy surges in popularity, as everything the new president says and does is a joke. Having more material to work with than ever before, Saturday Night Live becomes more popular--and
a better source of information--than CNN. After vacationing at
the Betty Ford Clinic, President Bush returns to the White House upset about all the jokes cracked
at his expense and declares comedy illegal and punishable by death.

* Based on the bestselling video game, Tomb Raider becomes the most financially successful film of all time, grossing in excess of $2 billion. Star Angelina Jolie (pictured) becomes drunk with power and orders the execution of any actresses thinner than her, including Claire Danes and Gwyneth Paltrow. Growing more obsessed with her fat, duck-like lips, Jolie has more and more collagen implants until her lips explode, killing her and her plastic surgeon.

* Following his Y2K stint in Oregon filming lottery commercials for Food Chain Films, Mr. T decides to move to Portland permanently. Mr. T quickly becomes a local celebrity, and when Mayor Katz finally sees fit to fire Mark Kroeker, she turns to the co-star of Rocky III. Mr. T's first official act as Portland's new chief of police is to disband the police department and replace it with the A-Team. Mr. T turns to Tom Peterson (and Gloria too) to round out his crime-fighting team of local celebrities, which includes Sally Struthers and Marc "The Beastmaster" Singer.

* The long-impending strikes of the Writers Guild of America and the Screen Actors Guild finally go down, and the production of traditional Hollywood films grinds to
a halt by the middle of 2001. With nowhere to turn for scripts or talent, the film industry seeks inspiration from reality-based television shows that don't need writers
or actors. The results are such successful films as Big Screen Survivor, The Real World: The Movie and America's Funniest Home Videos: The Motion Picture. The three highest-grossing films are the big-screen versions of America's Most Wanted, Cops and America's Scariest Police Chases, all of which feature Robert Downey Jr.

* After Mike Rich and Gus Van Sant win Oscars for Finding Forrester, aspiring screenwriters and directors move to Portland, theorizing that "there's something in the water." Local filmmakers grow increasingly agitated with the number of California transplants and initiate not-so-random acts of violence, leading to an all-out "gang war." The bloody battle, sparked at the Clinton Street Theatre during a Fellini retrospective, lasts for five days and is captured on video, PixelCam and Super-8 film by local experimental filmmakers Matt McCormick, Miranda July and Vanessa Renwick. They cobble together a film and release it through Peripheral Produce, screening it only in coffee shops, art galleries and someone's basement. Miraculously, the film, called Get the F#%K Out!, earns over $5 million in revenues, leading to
a three-picture deal with Jerry Bruckheimer and a big-budget remake starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Gary Coleman.