Why do the same old songs keep sucking up all the Xmas oxygen? I want something zippy, fun, hip and different. Where is the new music? —Annette

Well, excuse me, Your Highness—maybe you're not aware that the Christmas song canon did get updated, a scant 38 years ago, with the addition of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." You're welcome.

The unofficial Christmas top 40 actually does change—it just does it so slowly you'll probably die before you notice.

Stays on these charts aren't measured in weeks but decades—even centuries. "Jingle Bells," from 1857, isn't going anywhere. "O Come, All Ye Faithful" (1743) is holding steady. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is from the 1600s.

Moreover, people want the carols they grew up with. Your new song may be great, but is Grandma willing to give it the slot previously occupied by "The Little Drummer Boy"?

And now, as a holiday treat, I'd like to pass along this news clipping that I totally didn't make up, probably:

Triumphant Moore Declares Victory

Roy Moore, the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate who has refused to concede defeat despite his opponent's apparent 20,000-vote lead, today announced he has won Alabama's Dec. 12 special election.

"The fake news media tried to claim we were outvoted, but thanks to your overwhelming support, we are victorious," said the unshaven, bathrobe-clad Moore.

"We mustn't be taken in by the liberal media's twisted version of reality," the candidate continued, appearing to address his comments to small group of pigeons congregating around a half-eaten bagel. "Some of these liars would even have you believe that I'm standing in a Waffle House parking lot right now and not riding a horse to my new office in the U.S. Capitol."

"Giddyup, Sassy," Moore added, making holding-the-reins motions with his hands.