IMAGE: Matt Wong

The upside of the Jan. 1 ban on smoking in Oregon bars is that we are all going to live forever.

The downside is that without smoky bars, there is no reason to live.

Congratulations, you busybody neo-Puritan health-crusade fuckwads: You win again. You have assured that the people who make a living distributing poison to addicts will not have to breathe the poison of other addicts. And the only collateral damage is the neighborhood dive: the hole-in-the-wall joint where beautiful people never congregated anyway. So one of life’s little consolations—a beer and a cigarette—is now illegal in Portland. Good work, team. But before the stench of Pall Malls fades into the bright new year, let’s pause to remember five barrooms that will never be the same.

Dots Cafe

2521 SE Clinton St,, 235-0203.
Technically, half of Dots was nonsmoking, but the clouds of nicotine always drifted into the jalapeño-cheddar fries anyway. It should take until at least 2010 for the smell to lift from the Naugahyde booths.

The Egyptian Room

3701 SE Division St., 236-8689.
And another beautiful stereotype—the angry, tattooed dyke smoking a fag—bites the dust. I spent one night here, listening to the bartender tell me about her injured dog. We were both smoking, of course.

George’s Corner Tavern

5501 N Interstate Ave., 289-0307.
The bartender will no longer mix your drink with a Virginia Slim 100 dangling from her lip. The drink will not taste as good.

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639.
Actually, no one will miss Holocene’s smoking room, but it is some kind of legend: An annex so foul and rancid it was an advertisement for quitting. It felt like the inside of my lungs.

Joe’s Cellar

1332 NW 21st Ave., 223-2851.
The perfect dive bar: quality service, cheap swill, no ambience whatsoever, jukebox songs carefully policed by the staff, smoke that could choke an engine. Now less perfect.

Nicolai Street Clubhouse

2460 NW 24th Ave., 227-5384.
None of PDX’s strip clubs will be as diminished by the ban as this swing-shift, one-pole titty joint, walking distance from the railyards. The stevedores will have to settle for nudity, Bud Light and SportsCenter. It’s not a fair trade.

Headout

WEDNESDAY DEC. 24

[HOLIDAY] PEACOCK LANE
Let there be lights—gazillions of lights festooned along one holiday-fevered block in Southeast Portland. Peacock Lane, from Southeast Stark Street to Belmont Street one block east of 39th Avenue, peacocklane.net. 6 pm-midnight Dec. 24-31. Free.

THURSDAY DEC. 25

[DISH] POTLUCK IN THE PARK
Photos with Santa for the kiddies, jazz for the adults, and free turkey with trimmings for everyone. YWCA of Greater Portland, 1111 SW 10th Ave., 255-7611. Noon-3 pm. Free. Call for transportation.

[MUSIC] XMAS HIP-HOP PARTY
Not everyone celebrates Christmas. And even for those who spend an awkward holiday with the fam, this party—featuring underrated local rapper Sleep—is a glorious way to spread the holiday cheer. Tonic Lounge, 3100 NE Sandy Blvd., 238-0543. Call for show time. Cover. 21+.

FRIDAY DEC. 26

[STAGE] CHARLES PHOENIX’S RETRO HOLIDAY SLIDE SHOW
The comedian and historian of all things mid-century presents an evening of holiday entertainment and found slides from the ’50s and ’60s. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., speedboatcoffee.com. 8 pm. $19. All ages.

[MUSIC] JOHN VECCHIARELLI
John Vecchiarelli, one of the unsung heroes of the Portland music scene, plays a solo show on one the day after Christmas, one of the most unsung days of the year. Let’s hear it for the underdog! East Burn, 1800 E Burnside St., 236-2876. 9 pm. Cover. 21+.

SATURDAY DEC. 27

[MUSIC] SCHOOL OF ROCK “THE BEST OF NORTHWEST GRUNGE”
OK, seriously, who wouldn’t want to see a bunch of kids playing Nirvana and Mudhoney covers? Berbati’s Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. 6 pm. $10 advance, $12 day of show. All ages.

TUESDAY

DEC. 30
[MUSIC] BUCKETHEAD, PORTLAND CELLO PROJECT
Buckethead—yeah, the dude who dons a white mask and a KFC bucket on his head—is playing with the Portland Cello Project. Is it too late to call this the show of the year? Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047. 8 pm. $20 advance, $25 day of show. All ages.

Due to Snowpocalypse 2008, be sure to call venues to make sure that shows have not been canceled!