You thought we'd pooh-pooh the whole Valentine's thing, didn't you? Maybe do an entire "Love is for Losers" column just dedicated to Morrissey, black roses and explicit instructions on how to make your ex uncontrollably jealous? Well, too bad. Life is grim enough in this economy. We want to be positive, dammit! Think about it: Valentine's Day is not about being painfully cheery. It's about—if you're lucky enough to have hit humankind's No. 1 mother lode—celebrating that gut-wrenching, goofy, totally inconvenient entity we call love.

Well, color our bush fuchsia! Actually, you do it: At Bali Spa, get a bikini wax and then a special V-Day dye job on your pubes for an extra $35. Why? Because in this overwaxed age of Bret Michaels and Rock of Love Bus, the good ol' landing strip doesn't cut it as a "south-of-the-border surprise" anymore. Bali hot-pink bikini dye job, $35. Bali Spa, 1022 SE 37th Ave., 351-4831, Call for bikini-wax prices.

Photo by Ashley Sturm. Six assorted vegan chocolates + 10 bucks = One happy couple rolling in guilt-free choco-goodness. Housemade vegan chocolates, $10. Black Sheep Bakery, 833 SE Main St., 473-8534, and 523 NE 19th Ave., 517-5762.

You know you'd rip your bleedin' heart straight outta your cardiothoracic cavity for him or her if you could! But that would be gross and you would be dead, which is no fun. So offer up this cuddly, anatomically correct plush heart instead. I Heart Guts Plush Heart, $20.

We've always daydreamed of starring in our own blood-sucking vampire romance novel. So we found a company in Hood River that, via the Internets, can bust out a novel starring you and your immortal beloved. Vampire Kisses, $44.90 plus shipping and handling.

Photo by Heather Zinger. This one is for bigger piggy banks: Girls like lingerie. Guys dig a good nudie picture. Our compromise? A bralet-plus-panty set from Lille, plus a boudoir photo session with La Boudoir Photography (includes hair, makeup and champagne). The result? Sex for the gift-giver, obviously. Everyone wins! The Lake Stars Wild West bralet, $118 and panty, $50. Lille Boutique, 1007 E Burnside St., 232-0333. Three-hour photo session with La Boudoir Photography, $325.