You thought we'd pooh-pooh the whole Valentine's thing, didn't you? Maybe do an entire "Love is for Losers" column just dedicated to Morrissey, black roses and explicit instructions on how to make your ex uncontrollably jealous? Well, too bad. Life is grim enough in this economy. We want to be positive, dammit! Think about it: Valentine's Day is not about being painfully cheery. It's about—if you're lucky enough to have hit humankind's No. 1 mother lode—celebrating that gut-wrenching, goofy, totally inconvenient entity we call love.
Well, color our bush fuchsia! Actually, you do it: At Bali Spa, get a bikini wax and then a special V-Day dye job on your pubes for an extra $35. Why? Because in this overwaxed age of Bret Michaels and Rock of Love Bus, the good ol' landing strip doesn't cut it as a "south-of-the-border surprise" anymore. Bali hot-pink bikini dye job, $35. Bali Spa, 1022 SE 37th Ave., 351-4831, balispaportland.com. Call for bikini-wax prices.
Photo by Heather Zinger. This one is for bigger piggy banks: Girls like lingerie. Guys dig a good nudie picture. Our compromise? A bralet-plus-panty set from Lille, plus a boudoir photo session with La Boudoir Photography (includes hair, makeup and champagne). The result? Sex for the gift-giver, obviously. Everyone wins! The Lake Stars Wild West bralet, $118 and panty, $50. Lille Boutique, 1007 E Burnside St., 232-0333. Three-hour photo session with La Boudoir Photography, $325. laboudoirphotography.com.