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April 28th, 2010 | Movie Reviews & Stories
 

Furry Vengeance

Wherein nature poops on Brendan Fraser.

     
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COME TO OREGON FOR WATERSPORTS: This raccoon will micturate in Brendan Fraser’s mouth.
IMAGE: Alan Markfield

During his inexplicably successful 20-year career, Brendan Fraser has been hit in the head more than most people have in a lifetime. In Furry Vengeance, Fraser risks concussion no fewer than 17 times, in addition to having his nuts chomped, falling off a cliff, nearly drowning and getting stung in the eyeball by bees.

But hey, it’s all for the environment in kiddie nightmare Furry Vengeance, which appears to have been written by the murderous offspring of PETA leaders who liked Hoot but thought it didn’t contain enough bodily fluids. Fraser stars as a real-estate developer who moves his wife (Brooke Shields) and smartass teenage son (Matt Prokop) to Oregon (Massachusetts) to develop a green neighborhood. But for Fraser’s boss (Ken Jeong), the only green that really matters is money. That’s when the computer-generated woodland creatures turn nasty, launching warfare against good-natured man-baby Fraser and his testicles.

It’s hard to fault a kids’ movie too much for cramming casual sadism and nonsense into a story with a moral. Kids need lessons, and conservation’s a good one. But the animals in Furry Vengeance seem particularly bloodthirsty. Perhaps the moral is, “Shit on the environment, and we’ll shit on you.” That bizarre interpretation of Hammurabi is put to epic use as Fraser, in between head injuries, is urinated and pooped on nonstop. Birds plop on him like they’re fighter jets. A raccoon takes a whiz in his mouth. A bear locks him in an outhouse and tosses him off a cliff, covering him in waste. A skunk, whose juices look suspiciously like semen, sprays him several times. It’s relentless.

It’s also remarkably unfunny, even for the kids in the theater, who seemed almost as embarrassed as their parents. After nearly 90 minutes of waiting for the inevitable change of heart from Fraser (followed by more flying poop), we’re treated to a kiddie-pop cover of Cyprus Hill’s “Insane in the Brain” sung by the animals, which previously couldn’t talk. About then, I envied Fraser’s character. Perhaps those concussions could make him forget this garbage. PG.


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SEE IT: Opens Friday at Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Eastport, Bridgeport, Cornelius, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Sandy, Sherwood, Tigard and Wilsonville.
 
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